Dreaming of meeting people to date

August 7, 2014

I’ve never been followed by legions of suitors. That’s just not who I am. I’ve seen it happen on tv. I’ve seen it happen to friends. But it’s never happened to me. And I’m ok with that.

But there was a time when I dated. Maybe I didn’t date often. Maybe I didn’t go out with a new date every week a la Sex & The City or Friends. But I dated.

But that was in the old days, when I was healthier. When I went out. These days, I stay in most evenings. Evenings are tough for me. When I do occasionally go out in the evening, it’s a real effort, and I only do things I know I can handle, like quiet evenings with friends at someone’s house. This is fun, but it doesn’t exactly lend itself to meeting new people. Sure, I’ll occasionally meet someone new, but usually my friends’ friends are already in relationships. What I need is to really go out. I need to attend meetup groups where I can meet single people. I need to get used to flirting again. I need to feel comfortable enough in my body that I’m not constantly wincing in pain.

I’ve worried in the past about meeting someone who could handle my health issues. I’ve finally come to believe that there are people out there who would not see my health problems as major obstacles. But how will I find those people? I know plenty of people who were ill before they married their current spouse, but usually they met their spouses when they were well enough to leave the house. Where would I meet someone now? At the grocery store? In a doctor’s waiting room? Sure, those are possible, but I’m not exactly counting on them.

After years of fearing any sort of commitment (for reasons completely unrelated to my health,) I’m finally ready to be in a serious relationship. I’m ready to meet that person who makes my heart flutter. If only I could leave the house enough to actually find them.

Note: I sincerely hope that one day my regular readers will see me writing about improved health, dating, a relationship, travel, a job of one sort or another, and the other things I’ve been hoping might still be possible some day. I haven’t lost that hope, even if some days I feel a bit discouraged.

13 Comments | Expectations, Fatigue, Frustration, Limitations, Pain, Rants, Relationships: Family & Friends & Dating & Sex, Symptoms | Tagged: , , | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Making the good days into great days

June 25, 2014

It’s been one hell of a week. There’s a lot I could write about, both good and bad. I choose to focus on one of the better parts of the last week.

They say old friends are the best friends. I don’t know if that’s true for everyone, but it is for me. I have a lot of wonderful friends, but the ones I’ve known since childhood are just amazing. Part of it is that we’ve known each other for so long. We’ve seen each other through sicknesses, marriages, children, graduations, job changes, big things, small things, and everything else. Part of it is that they just happen to be really wonderful human beings. And the other day we were all in the same place, at the same time.

We don’t have many reunions. It’s gotten harder as everyone has had kids. I can’t imagine how much harder it will be if more people more away, or if people move farther than driving distance. It had been over a year, and we were so excited to see each other! As my mother said when she saw the photos, “The smiles on everyone’s faces just says it all.” She’s right.

I was nervous about my health leading up to the reunion. In general I was worried about how I’d feel in the heat of late June (though everyone agreed to keep the party indoors in air conditioning if I needed it.) More specifically, as the time came, I was feeling particularly lousy. I got incredibly lucky with the weather; not only was it an unusually great June, but the days leading up to our get-together weren’t hot or humid, and the days of were good, too. That helped a lot. Still, I felt horrible for other reasons. I won’t give the full back story here (like I said, I’m focusing on the good things,) but basically there were adrenal problems that triggered all sorts of symptoms and my supplements just weren’t doing the trick.

If this had been any other gathering with friends, I would have simply cancelled. But I’d been looking forward to this for many months and I wasn’t about to miss it! So for two days I ate very little, I took extra adrenal supplements, I adjusted my sleep patterns, and I just pushed through. I felt lousy, but I hid it the best I could. Everyone knows about my health issues and they are the most supportive friends I could ask for. But just once, I wanted to have conversations that didn’t even touch on my health. So I hid how I felt. And I had a great time. I had so much fun with my friends, that I was able to ignore my aches, pains, nausea, and the rest for most of the night and the next day. I got down on the ground, I held babies, I fetched things for others, and I faked it til I made it – and it worked!

Pushing through sometimes works for me, but it’s rare. Very rare. Incredibly rare. I-can-count-it-on-my-fingers rare. But if it’s going to happen just once, I’m glad it was for those days. They were just fantastic. I couldn’t have asked for better. And I’ll be holding on to those memories as I anticipate our next reunion. Hopefully I won’t have to wait another year! And hopefully I’ll feel ok.

4 Comments | Expectations, Fatigue, Frustration, Gastrointestinal, Limitations, Medication, Pain, Raves, Relationships: Family & Friends & Dating & Sex, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

How much do your friends really know about your illness?

May 22, 2014

We’ve all had to face people who don’t believe that we’re as sick as we claim. In many cases, I blame them – especially when we’re talking about doctors and other medical professionals. However, I think that very often it’s we patients who are to blame. We don’t share the details of what we deal with because we don’t want to be seen as constantly complaining, or over-reacting, or because we’re embarrassed. Consider these two versions of a hypothetical conversation:

Version 1:

Her: Hey, what are you up to?

Me: Just cleaning the toilet.

Her: Do you want to join me to dinner tonight?

Me: I’d love to, but I already have plans.

Version 2:

Her: Hey, what are you up to?

Me: Just cleaning the toilet after last night’s IBS episode.

Her: What happened?

Me: It’s pretty gross. You probably don’t want to know.

Her: Go ahead and tell me.

Me: Well, I had some explosive diarrhea. I’m just so glad it stayed inside the toilet bowl this time! But it’s in areas that flushing won’t reach, so I have to clean it myself.

Her: I was going to invite you to dinner….

Me: Yeah, I’m probably not up for going out to a restaurant. Why don’t you come to my place and we’ll watch movies and chat?

Her: Great! See you tonight!

Do you notice something here? In the first version, I sound perfectly healthy: I’m cleaning the toilet and I have plans to go out, just like my friends. Nothing to worry about. In the second version I’m not complaining, but my friend now understands that I was recently feeling very ill, and that my day is about dealing with that. She doesn’t feel put-upon to listen to me complain, but she understands why I don’t want to go out to a restaurant. I’m not hiding anything, so I’m able to suggest a low-key evening and we can still spend time together. If I had instead said that I didn’t feel up to getting together at all, she would have understood why.

Some people will never believe what we deal with either because they’re too selfish to consider it or because they’re in denial. But most of the people close to us, the ones who love us and want us to be ok, have the capacity to believe us and understand, but when we hide things then we don’t give them that chance.

I am not suggesting that you always talk about every problem you have. That would allow for a balanced conversation. At the same time, I don’t suggest lying or hiding things, either. If someone asks how you are, what do you say? You could lie and say you’re fine, you could spend 20 minutes complaining about every symptom and the 10 different calls you made to the insurance company, or you could find the middle ground: you could state your problems matter-of-factly and then move on to talk about the other things in your life, even if they’re as mundane as cooking dinner or reading a new book.

There’s no one way to share information about an illness. You’ll have to figure out on your own what feels right. For now, start small: when someone asks what you did yesterday or who you’re feeling, try answering them honestly and see what happens. You just might find a bit more support when they know what you’re really dealing with.

How much do you share about your health problems? What do your friends really know? Please share in the comments so that others can learn about what works.

6 Comments | Educating, Isolation, Limitations, Relationships: Family & Friends & Dating & Sex, Support, Symptoms | Tagged: , , , , | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

The myth of a healthy youth myth

March 4, 2014

I can’t believe I had this conversation again today. The details vary, but it always goes something like this:

Me: I want to get healthy while I’m young enough to enjoy it.

Other person: Well, the “healthy youth” thing is really a myth. Not everyone feels good, and people get sick, and we’re busy taking care of kids so we can’t go out much anyway. And lots of older people feel great and are active, so maybe you’ll be one of those. Besides, we’ll all be feeling like you one day anyway, and then we’ll all be on the same page.

Yes, people really say this shit. Ok, let’s start with the first thing: the healthy youth myth. That myth idea is a myth itself. I’m not saying that people without chronic illnesses are healthy all the time. They might get the flu or headaches or whatever. Some days they just feel like crap. Sure, I get that. But the point is that they recover! They don’t continue to have the flu for the next 30 years.

Next, just because you use your energy-filled, pain-free days to do things other than jet off to Paris and go to fancy clubs, doesn’t mean you aren’t enjoying your youth. Do you have any idea how many of us would like to have kids but don’t have the energy to take care of them? So while you might say you can’t party because you have kids, others of us say we can’t party OR have kids. See the difference?

I’m not suggesting that every 20- and 30-something parties 7 nights a week. But I’m suggesting they can go to parties on Saturday nights. I’m suggesting they can attend a lecture on Tuesday evening. I’m suggesting they can take a shower and cook a meal without feeling like shit.

And yes, some older folks feel good and are active. But if I feel like shit at 30 and 40 and 50 and 60, do you really think I’ll be skiing and skydiving and traveling and going out with friends at 70 and 80? Do you know any of those active elderly? Maybe it’s just a coincidence (I really doubt it) but all of them were healthy active in their youth and in their middle age and then they continued to be active. You can’t expect an unhealthy body to magically get healthier as it ages. The chances that I’ll feel better at 80 than at 30 are really incredibly slim. And besides, at best I could feel good compared to a typical 80-year-old, but I’ll never get the chance to feel as good as a 30-something again!

And sure, maybe one day my friends will all be tired and in pain with arthritis. But they’ll have already had all of the experiences of youth! That’s the point! Yes, maybe one day we’ll all feel equally miserable. (Though to be honest, I think I experienced more pain and fatigue at 32 than my grandparents did when they were 80. At 80 they were still hopping on planes and traveling. Not me. They still went out with friends all the time. Not me. Just saying.) But when we stiffly sit in our chairs with our achy joints at 80, they’ll be surrounded by kids and grandkids if they chose to have them, and they’ll remember all of their fun adventures and activities from when they were younger, while I’ll remember days of my life seemingly wasted sorting through medical records and insurance forms, feeling lousy, watching tv and ready and missing out on parties and outings that I really wanted to attend. Yes, I’ll have fun times to remember, but not as many. Hopefully I’ll have let go of the anger and sadness of not being able to have children, but maybe not.

So to all of you out there who spout the myth of the healthy youth myth, I’m telling you it’s not a myth. Spend just two months pretending you have the flu. Leave your job, turn down every invitation you’re offered, don’t accept invitations. Now tell me if you feel like your old life allows you to be active or not. I’m guessing you’ll feel pretty damn healthy by comparison. If you’re tired because you stayed out at the bar too late, go to sleep earlier next time, but don’t pretend you have it so tough. At least you have a choice.

I was going to give an update today on the doctor planet orbit, but I was too upset. So please accept my rant as just that (a rant), and I’ll resume my normally unscheduled blogging tomorrow.

4 Comments | Educating, Expectations, Fatigue, Frustration, Insensitive, Isolation, Limitations, Pain, Rants, Relationships: Family & Friends & Dating & Sex, Support, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

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