The ironic luxury of time

April 28, 2012

I hate when people ask me how I’m enjoying my time off.  It’s frustrating to not be able to work.  This really isn’t like a vacation.  I feel lousy a lot, so I probably have no more “good” free hours than a person who works full time.  In fact, some days I have a lot fewer.

That said, I really do appreciate having a more open schedule.  On the days I feel lousy, I hate that I’m “losing” hours.  It feels like a waste, but since I can’t help it, I just try to remember that I will have more time tomorrow, and the next day, and next week.  I will try to make my time as meaningful as possible.  Sometimes that will work, sometimes it won’t, and I just have to accept that.

On both  the good days and the bad days, I’ve found that having a more open schedule can really reduce stress.  Yesterday was a good example.  After a quiet morning at home mostly spent reading, and then lunch, left to go to the library.  I could have driven.  It would have been faster.  I also would have felt my blood pressure rise as I dealt with red lights, bad drivers, rude pedestrians, and parking problems both at the library and later when I came home.  Instead, I took the bus.  Sure, taking the bus took a lot longer (especially since I missed a bus by only a minute on each end) but it had a lot of benefits: I didn’t have to deal with driving or parking, I got fresh air while I waited for it, and I got some exercise.  Both on the way and on the way back, I got some extra exercise by walking one stop further than I had to.  I skipped the closer stop, and went one more.  This was perfect.  If I had been in a rush, I probably would have had to deal with the stress of driving.

The evening wasn’t so great.  I came home feeling really good, and I was thrilled.  I made dinner and had a whole bunch of things I wanted to do (knowing of course that I’d probably only do a few of them, but it was still exciting.)  Almost as soon as I started eating, I felt sick.  Normally the nausea hits an hour or two after eating, so this was odd.  It felt different too.  This mostly meant that I didn’t know what to expect.  I put the food away and left the dishes for later.  After many trips to the bathroom and some Pepto, I finally snuggled under a blanket and watched a movie.  I was upset that I had had another episode of nausea after almost two weeks without one – so much for that winning streak.  But I wasn’t upset about the lost evening.  Nothing I had planned was an emergency, so I knew it could all wait until I had more free time.  That could be in a few days, or maybe next week.  It didn’t matter.  I’d find the time.

Having a more flexible schedule is making a huge difference these days.  Of course, if I was working full time it would be because I was feeling better, and if I felt well, I wouldn’t need such a flexible schedule.  Great.  (Did you notice the sarcasm there?)

There’s nothing I can do to change my situation, beyond what I’m already doing.  So as long as I’m stuck in it, I’ll try to make the most of it.  I’ll use my flexible time the best that I can.  I just hope I don’t lose too much more of it to nausea… that’s awfully unpleasant.

Leave a Comment » | Expectations, Frustration, Limitations, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Too tired for a title

April 24, 2012

Why do we underestimate the value of sleep so much?  Sleep is important, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

This will be a short post, because I’m determined to go to sleep at a reasonable hour.  It’s not as if I’m not tired at night (well, sometimes that’s the case,) but I still stay up far too late, and always for no good reason.  Tonight I sleep.

Sleep is good for so many different parts of our bodies.  There are always studies being published about how it leads to better weight management, improved blood pressure, etc.  We eat better and we exercise more when we’re rested.  We feel happier and more relaxed when our stresses work themselves out in our dreams.  That’s not even counting the improved productivity and reduced car accidents.  We’re animals, and animals need sleep.  There’s no shame in that.

The worst reason, I think, for not getting enough sleep is, “I don’t have time,” or “I’m too busy.”  What is more important than taking care of your health?  Yes, sometimes a person really must get fewer hours of sleep one night due to busyness, but not as often as most people want to think.  Generally, we can cut out some tv, skip the internet surfing, eliminate procrastination, and get to bed at an hour (or more!) earlier.

Yes, there are many legitimate reasons for not being able to sleep.  There’s pain, insomnia, loud noises outside, crying babies… but none of that should stop us from at least making the effort.  That’s what I’m talking about here: effort.

I may not get enough sleep tonight because I get woken up early by the construction outside, or because the loud neighbors come home late again and are making a lot of noise, or because I have weird pain dreams like I did the other night, but at least I’ll have made a solid effort.  And who knows… maybe I’ll actually sleep for enough hours, deeply enough, and wake up feeling good!  I sure hope so!

And on that note, I’m off to bed.  Goodnight all!

 

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If you can relate to this, please pass it along and share the camaraderie!  Let’s build the community!

Leave a Comment » | Educating, Limitations, Rants, Symptoms | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Fixing what I put in my body

April 22, 2012

For many years I had to choke down whatever I made for dinner.  It’s not that I was a bad cook, it’s just that… well ok, I was a bad cook.  I was the pathetic family member who always brought flowers as my contribution to the Thanksgiving meal.  It was not good.

A few years ago I quit a job where I was unhappy and I decided to wait for a while before I looked for work.  I had enough money saved up and I was feeling very burnt out.  It ended up being a fantastic time.  I set a few reasonable goals for myself for my unemployment.  I didn’t want to try to do too many things, so I kept it simple.  One thing was to learn to cook.  I had no grand illusions that I’d become a master chef; I just wanted to make food that I wouldn’t be embarrassed to serve to guests, and most importantly, that I wouldn’t mind eating myself.  And I succeeded!  The meals I make aren’t fancy, but they get the job done.

Since taking a leave of absence last fall, I’ve been doing a lot of reading about food.  I’ve learned more about “real” food versus “imitation” food (like the difference between the bread you make yourself at home and the bread you buy in the grocery store – have you ever read that ingredient list?)  I’ve also learned about various chemicals and other unnatural ingredients in food.  Since then, I’ve been trying to eat more “real” food.  I’ve cut down on chicken and fish (I’d already eliminated red meat, and I never ate pork.)  I switched from canned beans to dry beans.  When I do eat chicken, it’s as antibiotic-free as possible.  I eat a lot more vegetables.  I eat very few processed foods (and I’m trying to get those out of my diet altogether.)  I figure if I’m going to see doctors and take various medications, I should make sure my diet isn’t ruining all my hard work!

Putting those two things together, I’m actually eating pretty decently now!  I can’t imagine how I would have handled my new gluten-free diet if I hadn’t learned to cook.  And I feel better when I eat healthier, “real” foods.  None of this is easy.  I won’t pretend I wouldn’t love to have a frozen dinner occasionally; but then, that’s why I don’t keep that stuff in the house.  I won’t pretend my willpower is that good.  If it was here, I’d eat it.  Still, I’m going to try to focus instead on my big accomplishments: cooking tasty, healthy meals.  When I didn’t feel well the other day, I was able to put together something easy and healthy.  Today I felt decent, so I made the pretty quinoa and bean dish in the picture.  It wasn’t all that hard, but I’m sure I would have messed it up a few years ago.  It took a lot of practice and effort, but today I was able to make this dish for the first time and have a light, healthy, filling meal.

So to all of you who are working on your diets, I offer you my encouragement.  It can be a tough road, but it’s very worthwhile.  If you have a setback, just accept it and then move forward again.  It’s completely worth it.  Now I bring actual dishes to the Thanksgiving meal (and my family is all still incredibly impressed, even now.)  If I can learn to cook, you can too!

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If you can relate to this, please pass it along and share the camaraderie!  Let’s build the community!

3 Comments | Educating, Limitations, Medication, Raves | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Making medical decisions by coin toss

April 20, 2012

Doctors no longer seem to be all-knowing gods to many of us.

My grandparents always did just what the doctor told them to do.  They trusted their doctor to be honest, knowledgeable, and infallible.

Fast forward many decades and things have changed.  A lot.  For one thing, there are the studies that suggest doctors lie to their patients.  They apparently do this to protect their patients, to save their feelings, but it doesn’t help with the trust thing.  Doctors are now overworked and dealing with lawsuits, insurance, and budget cuts.  In other words, they’re human.  The mystique is gone.  Even more, we have the internet now and can do a lot of our own research.  This helps us to realize that, again, our doctors are human.  They don’t know everything.

Now, I do think that a lot of my doctors are very knowledgeable and I trust them.  That, after all, is why I continue to see them.  However, I still find it difficult when I need to make a decision, and I have no one to help me make it.  I talk to my parents for advice, but I’m getting tired of that; I’m over 30, for crying out loud!  I’m not in a relationship, so I can’t turn there.  And anyway, these all just other laypeople (though my parents are very smart and knowledgeable.)  I can talk to my doctors, of course, but they won’t tell me what to do.  Sometimes they strongly hint at their preferred course.  Sometimes they say it outright.  But many times they don’t know what the right thing to do is.  Damn, they really are human.

I am now facing a small dilemma.  Should I continue my gluten-free diet, with its good effects but also possible negative ones?  Should I quit the diet and see if the negative effects go away?  But then the good effects might go too.  Should I try an over-the-counter med to see if that helps the symptoms?  But what if my body is still adjusting to the new diet?  It could be that I improve from the diet, but if I take the meds, I won’t know which is helping.  Or I can adjust my thyroid med dosage.  I’ve already filled the prescription.  This won’t help the nausea, of course, but it could help the fatigue.  But what if the diet just needs more time to work, and adjusting the thyroid med covers that up?  And I could have negative effects from changing the med dosage, too.  And these are just my top choices – there are even more options to consider!

It would be so easy to have someone tell me what to do.  It would remove this pressure that’s sitting on my shoulders.  But I have to admit, I’m glad when my doctors admit they don’t have the answer; it’s better than pretending otherwise.  Besides, I’m sure I’ll figure it all out eventually.

Does anyone have a coin I can flip?

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If you can relate to this, please pass it along and share the camaraderie!  Let’s build the community!

2 Comments | Decisions, Educating, Expectations, Frustration, Isolation, Limitations, Medication, Rants, Support, Symptoms | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

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