Why dating isn’t happening while I’m ill

December 23, 2012

I noticed her as she walked into the room.  She wasn’t “my type” yet I found her very attractive.  I smiled at her and she smiled back.  This was the point where I would normally get shy and look away and hope that maybe she’d come talk to me.  But I’m trying to get out of my shell more, and flirt, and that’s easier to do because I’m not dating anyway.  Not dating = less pressure.  So I got up, crossed the room, almost lost my nerve, got my nerve back, and introduced myself.  And she flirted with me!

We found a quiet spot and chatted for a while.  Then we went our separate ways, and found each other later in the party.  We agreed to get together one day soon.  I wondered if I could manage to see her, but I was so attracted to her, and I hadn’t had a date in 8 months, and I hadn’t had sex in 9 months.  Something had to happen to change that.  I’ve been lonely at times and I’ve been horny at times, and often I’ve been both at once.  I figured it was worth it to try just one date.  After all, I really liked her.  But then I did something stupid.

She asked, “What are you doing tomorrow?”  Before my brain could stop it, my mouth said, “Nothing.”  My brain instantly pointed out, “Of course you’re not doing anything, you idiot, because you’re exhausted and even coming to this party was a ton of effort, and you promised yourself a day to rest.  You can’t go out with her tomorrow!”  I went home thinking that maybe I could make it work, but by morning I knew it was hopeless – I felt like crap.  I texted her that I felt lousy, but didn’t elaborate, and we made plans for later in the week.  I just hope I don’t have to cancel again.  If I cancel twice in one week, I know I’ll have to give up on her, because she’ll have given up on me.  But it would be nice if it worked out and I could have just one date with her.

By an odd coincidence, I also got a text earlier yesterday from an ex.  He was thinking of me and wanted to say hi.  I filled him in on the basics (not working, not dating, etc., because of worsening health.)  He said we should get together when I’m feeling better.  I quickly explained that I’m feeling just fine for sex.  It’s dating I can’t handle.  Once I’d assured him that my health was ok for sex, we made a date for one day this week.

That’s why this whole thing is so odd.  I can have sex with someone I already know, because I don’t have to worry about explaining the health stuff.  He already knows all about it.  It’s worse than the last time we saw each other, but it’s generally the same.  He understands and accepts it.  If I have to cancel, he’ll be ok with that.  If I have a problem while we’re together, he’ll support and comfort me.  But with someone new, I want to give a good impression.  Even if I tell her a bit about what’s going on (and I’ll probably have to,) I still don’t want her to think that it’s worse than it is, or even that it’s as bad as it is.  I want to act like I’m ok so I don’t scare her off.  And I’m just in no condition to act like I’m ok, even though a date should be physically easier than sex.

So many people don’t understand why I feel that I can’t date while I’m so ill, but it all comes down to that last part: I don’t feel up to acting like I’m ok.  It’s just not worth the effort.  Because even if I can manage to do it once, chances are, I won’t be able to do it a second time, and before the third date they’ll have to know everything.

With any luck, I’ll figure out a way to share enough of my problems with the lady from last night without scaring her off.  And in the meantime, sex with my ex may not be the smartest move ever, but a good tumble is not only great exercise, but it should also help relieve stress.  Chances are, I’ll feel better afterwards.  Now I just have to make sure I’m well enough this week, and that it happens again after this week too!  And I really, really hope that I can have a good date with that woman.  Please cross your fingers (figuratively – most of us can’t do that literally anyway) for me.

2 Comments | Educating, Expectations, Frustration, Isolation, Limitations, Pain, Rants, Relationships: Family & Friends & Dating & Sex, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

5 things I wish I could do tonight

November 28, 2012

There are so many long term things I wish I could do, but sometimes I’m just very aware of the short term stuff that I’m missing out on.  Tonight, for example, I wish I could:

  • Get tired and sleepy at a decent hour.
  • Read a book without falling asleep too early.
  • Call up friends just to chat, without feeling awkward about the “So what’s new with you?” question. [Hint: absolutely nothing good is new.]
  • Go on a date.  Or have sex.  Or both.
  • Make plans for tomorrow that involve going to a job, volunteering, or otherwise using my time to help others and be productive.

For the next few hours I will sit in front of my computer.  I will type and read and learn.  Maybe at some point I’ll move to the couch and watch tv.  I will go to sleep later than I’d like, because even with supplements I just don’t get sleepy early.  Then tomorrow I will wake up tired, wishing I could feel more rested, and I will spend the day doing random things that don’t really add up to doing anything much for my community or for society at large.  Then I will do it all again.

Don’t get me wrong.  Some days I do more of what I want.  Some days I feel more useful.  Some days I don’t feel like I’m missing out.  This just isn’t one of those days.

2 Comments | Expectations, Frustration, Isolation, Limitations, Rants, Relationships: Family & Friends & Dating & Sex, Symptoms | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Getting bullied by bureaucracy

November 25, 2012

I was never one of the cool kids in school.  That didn’t bother me at the time, and it doesn’t bother me now.  It’s just a fact.  I had friends, and they weren’t considered “cool” either.  I studied and mostly got good grades.  I wasn’t athletic.  I didn’t participate in any of the “cool” clubs.  I didn’t act, and even worse, I did stage crew.  Yeah, I was one of those kids.

On the other hand, I was never bullied or subjected to peer pressure.  I didn’t drink, and no one ever tried to get me to drink.  I didn’t smoke or do drugs, and no one ever offered them to me.  I wasn’t teased or harassed.  Well, there was the boy who used to tease me and chase me around the playground when we were 8, but in hindsight I realize he probably did that because he liked me.  And anyway, he stopped doing it after I kicked him in the groin one day.  Someone tried to cheat off my work once, but there was no pressure.  I just noticed him looking at my paper during a test, and I guess I could have hidden the paper from him.  I hated that class and did really badly in it, so I didn’t bother to hide paper, and was sort of gratified when I got a C.  I never did find out his grade, but I gather it wasn’t so good.

I got through my entire life (so far) without being bullied in any of the standard ways, but now I realize that I’m being bullied after all!  I’m being bullied by the insurance companies.  This may not be the person-to-person bullying that others have experienced, but it still feels personal.  My life is horribly disrupted.  I think about it far more than I’d like to.  I may lose my home.  I have to be public about certain parts of my life that I’d rather keep private.  I’m being told they don’t believe me (essentially) and that they won’t give me what was promised to me.  I’ve spent hours brooding over the situation, trying to come up with nonexistent solutions.  I have enlisted the help of someone else, but still the bullying continues.  Standing up for myself only seems to prolong the misery.

I’VE HAD ENOUGH!

There’s no perfect answer.  All I know is that I am sick (no pun intended) and tired (again, no pun intended) of being treated this way.  I want to get the benefits that I deserve!

My appeal was filed a week and a half ago.  By law the insurance company must respond (even if it’s only to ask for more time) within 45 days.  That puts it right at New Year’s Eve.  I don’t know what the new year will bring.  I hope, I desperately hope, I achingly hope that it does not bring more fighting.  But if I have to fight for my rights, then that’s what I’ll do.  Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.

2 Comments | Decisions, Expectations, Frustration, Healthcare, Insensitive, Isolation, Rants | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Why too much strength can be bad

November 20, 2012

When I had to leave my job last year, I expected everyone to be supportive.  The responses shocked me.

Yes, my close friends and family were very supportive.  Really, except for my sister (but there are other issues there), I couldn’t have asked for more.  It was amazing.  The shocking part was the number of people who seemed surprised when I left my job.  Many asked why I was leaving; it had never occurred to them that it could have been because of my health.

Over the years I’ve put on a brave face.  I do this partly because I don’t like to dwell on all the health crap.  I like to focus on the better parts of my life.  I do this partly so people don’t get annoyed that I complain too much.  I also do this partly because I feel like if I let my guard down and give in a little, that I’ll end up giving in a whole lot, and I won’t be able to keep things in control anymore.

I thought of that just now when I saw this on Facebook.  It’s so true.  I work hard to “keep it together,” to not dwell on the shit I deal with daily, and to appear ok.  And that means that most people have no idea what I deal with, even in the smallest way.  I’m not looking for every person I know to check in on me constantly, but I suppose I need to let them know at least a little bit about what’s happening.  After all, how can I expect to raise awareness when even the people in my life don’t realize how sick I am?  And on a much simpler note, I need to let people know so that they’ll understand that sometimes, I really just need a hug. Being strong is good, but some days, a hug makes all the difference.

8 Comments | Educating, Expectations, Isolation, Kindness, Rants, Support | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

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