When everything goes wrong

January 17, 2017

Lately I feel like I’ve been working all the time. But I don’t have a job. So what the hell is going on?

I had to sit down and think about it, but I think I’ve figured it out. It’s things like the last 24 hours:

  • I got my new laptop, opened it, started it, and found a problem. After an hour on the phone with tech support I was told the laptop needs to be replaced. But the office that handles that was closed for the holiday, so I had to call back today to arrange that. They put in the order and someone will be in touch with me within 48 hours. So I STILL don’t have a working laptop and I’m STILL spending hours doing things that should take minutes. Like the super-long message I was writing, that was almost done, and that was lost when my laptop crashed for the millionth time a few minutes ago.
  • My new apartment is still a mess. Since I can’t set up my laptop, I might as well put together some of the Ikea furniture. I opened the box last night, make sure I had all the pieces, and reviewed the instructions. Totally doable. Today while I was on hold for the SSA (I’ll get to that in a minute) I figured I might as well put it together. There were 8 steps. After 4 steps I was in pain and was going to take a break, but I was excited to be making progress. Everything else is a mess. I wanted to at least get one thing right! So I did step 5. And then steps 6 and 7. I did half of step 8 when the phone was answered. I spoke to the guy for a while, then returned to the furniture. I just had to put in 3 screws! Yay! Except the last 2 wouldn’t go in. I played around and found the problem: 2 of the holes weren’t drilled right. I can’t finish it. I need to exchange the piece. Ergh!
  • I had a simple question about my social security disability. I didn’t have the number for my new local office so I called the main number. I was on hold for 45 minutes, but at least I was able to almost put together some Ikea furniture in that time. Finally I spoke to someone who couldn’t answer my simple question. He gave me another number. They could definitely help. I was only on hold 5-10 minutes before I spoke to someone who gave me another number. This time I’d get answer. And I actually did. It took well over an hour, but I got an answer to my simple question. Why can’t the SSA’s folks at the main line answer such simple questions? Still, now I have to find a way to get the paperwork done without a reliable computer. Hmm.

No wonder I always feel so busy! I’m trying to move into a new apartment, but I can’t make progress on setting things up. I have digital files scattered everyplace. Things are a mess, and it makes my brain feel messy.

This isn’t so bad. I know it. These are pretty simple problems. A messy home is ok. A lack of computer for 6 weeks sucks, but isn’t the end of the world. Spending hours on the phone (if you include the computer stuff and SSA) to not have my problems fully resolved sucks, but it’s survivable. Still, when I add it all up, it’s no wonder I feel like I have a job, like I’m always working. If only I was getting paid for this “work”!

Now the key is to find ways to relax. To de-stress. Because stress is bad for chronic illness and I’ve been feeling it. I slept a lot last night. Too much. And I woke up tired. This is taking its toll, and I need to maintain my health. I intentionally blocked out 3 days this week as “me” days. Yesterday was the first. I didn’t get as much done as I would have liked (setting up the new laptop was on my list) but I made some progress. Today I made more (even though the furniture wasn’t fully built.) I just have to remember that it’s a process. And then I need to take time to relax.

Which means it’s now time for a hot shower, a long walk, and a good book. Then I’m off to my new mah jong group so I can use my brain in a better way.

What do you do when you feel overwhelmed and you need to relax? What are your favorite go-tos?

Leave a Comment » | Frustration, Limitations, Pain, Rants | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Please stop adding to my stress

January 7, 2017

Over the years I’ve learned to control my stress levels. In addition to the obvious emotional benefits, it does wonders for my physical health. Stress exacerbates everything, so I’m happy to avoid it. Lately, though, it just keeps piling on.

I moved to a new apartment 2 weeks ago. I absolutely love it here! The move was less stressful than I would have thought, and I unpacked very quickly. Unfortunately, while the boxes are gone, the place is a mess. There are papers in various places and clutter on the counter. To a stranger it doesn’t look like I just moved in (except for the empty walls) – it simply looks like I’m unorganized. And the clutter is getting to me. The mess makes my mind feel messy.

On top of the clutter, there are so many little things to do! I need to fill out forms for fuel assistance in my new town, get on local mailing lists and off of my old mailing lists, and a dozen other things. And of course, I need to decorate, which feels unnatural to me. It takes hours to research things I want and then, just when I make my decisions, I find out the thing is out of stock.

Those wouldn’t bother me at all, though, if it wasn’t for the rest. My laptop has been on the fritz for over a month! Even the repair guy has given up. It’s time for a new one, even though that machine was only two years old. So I need to research a new computer. I’m not sure what to get and I’m wracked with insecurity – what if I get another crappy machine, despite researching them thoroughly? And of course, that’s money I hadn’t planned to spend, too.

My Tivo is pretty new. I planned out that purchase last summer and it was a smart move. I have a cheap antenna that I bought online and now I can record all of my favorite shows on the channels I get over the airwaves – no monthly fees! But a few days ago the Tivo began to buzz. It’s a strange, annoying sound. The quiet of my new home is ruined by this constant buzzing. When nothing is set to record I unplug it, but that’s annoying and not something I want to do permanently. I need to figure out how to fix it, or else see if it can be replaced under the warranty.

It’s the end of the year, which means the federal government wants to know about my income for the last year, not just for taxes, but for my benefits. Oy! That would be easy if my laptop was working, but without it.

And because I moved, other benefits offices want information about my finances, too. How can I tell them about my utility bills when I haven’t received any yet? I just moved in!

I do little things to earn some money, but they all require the computer. Damn that laptop for breaking just as I was getting ready to move!

I was going to try online dating, actually, but I need a working laptop for that.

Because of the move I didn’t schedule any doctor appointments for the entire month of December. It was lovely. But now I’m making up for it. I had 2 yesterday (Friday.) I have another Monday. There are several more over the next few weeks, too. I need to start a medication on Monday that will make me feel like crap for about 2 weeks, but I already put it off longer than I should.

As I was telling someone today what I planned to buy for new furniture (cheap, but nice looking!) she tried to talk me out of it for no good reason. I almost lost my temper. I’m stressed out by trying to juggle way too many balls in the air. It’s just too much! I don’t need someone disagreeing with me over something so basic. Why mess up my plans? I know she didn’t mean any harm, but I just don’t have it in me to deal with anything new. I can’t handle more.

These thing are all so little, but they’re just too much. Just like 1 ball of yarn is light, but 50 weighs too much for me to carry. It too damn much.

And yet I’m super lucky. My awesome parents are buying a lot of my new apartment decorations. Several relatives gave me Amazon gift cards as housewarming gifts so I can buy more. I have enough savings to buy a laptop. I can afford all of this. I have the time available to work through it all. Ok, I don’t really have the energy for it, but I’m getting there. I’m so lucky.

But I’m still stressed.

And it’s affecting my health.

How do you handle it when you have too many balls in the air? How do you relax when 50 different things are calling for your attention? Please comment below and let’s share some ideas!

2 Comments | Fatigue, Frustration, Isolation, Limitations, Pain, Rants, Relationships: Family & Friends & Dating & Sex, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Trying to do it “all” with chronic illnesses

December 14, 2016

It feels like everything is hard with a chronic illness. Pain, fatigue, and other symptoms affect us in ways most people don’t think about.

Walking is harder. Sitting is harder. Reading is harder. Cooking is harder. Planning is a hell of a lot harder.

Last year I wrote down goals for earning money in 2016. I didn’t succeed, but they put me on a better path than I would have otherwise been on. So I did it again for 2017. And then I did something else: I wrote down my personal goals. I’ve never done that before and it was fascinating.

I wrote down everything big. And I realized how much harder it will all be than I would have thought just a few years ago.

I wrote down the book I want to write, blogging here, improving my health including doing regular physical therapy and other exercise, getting a dog (yay!), joining a dating site (well, maybe), making new single friends (most of my friends are coupled off at this point) through attending meetup groups, and some other things I’ll be telling you about soon.

It was a really great exercise and I recommend everyone do it. It puts everything into perspective. Doing this forced me to seriously consider everything I want to do, then narrow that down to what I want most. Then I broke that down into what I need to do to make it happen. For example, in order to make new friends, I need to join some meetup groups and actually attend, instead of my usual thing of joining but then staying home. (If you don’t know about meetup.com and you want to get out of the house more, check it out! I can’t do the physical activity groups like hiking or playing frisbee anymore, so I’m joining knitting and board game groups.) And I wrote down how many times a day I’ll do physical therapy, how many times a week I’ll check in on dating sites, and so on.

And then I looked at my list, added up the time required for each thing, and thought, “No wonder I’m so overwhelmed and never feel like I have enough time to get things done!” It was great! I mean, it sucked, because I have to give up something that’s important to me. But at least now I understand that it wasn’t that I was unorganized, just that I was trying to do more than my health allows. I have fewer hours, and I need to accept that. Sure, I’ve got a lot less on my list than I would if I was healthy, but it’s still too much. I can’t go right from a date to taking a walk – I need to rest in between. I can’t make new friends unless I have the energy to go out with them, and that takes energy from other activities. I still want to hang out with my current friends, knit, read, and do other things. Plus, showering, getting dressed, laundry, washing dishes, and even eating take up a lot of energy. But I don’t have to tell you that.

And of course, I can’t assume that any of my plans will stick. I could plan to do 3 hours of stuff every Monday, and some Mondays I’ll be able to do more but others I’ll have to less or maybe nothing at all. It’s completely unpredictable.

So that’s how I find myself looking at my list of personal goals for 2017, feeling keenly aware of the ways that everything is just a bit harder with chronic illnesses.

I don’t have the answers yet, but at least I can see the problem clearly. Something’s gotta give. Ok. I accept that. Now I just need to find the answers.

What about you? Do you set personal goals? How do you find ways to fit everything in or pare down?

6 Comments | Decisions, Expectations, Fatigue, Frustration, Pain, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

A little overwhelm goes a long way

November 16, 2016

I was listening to this really fantastic podcast about getting organized and it got me thinking. How much am I really trying to do?

They said that no one should have more than 7-8 projects at any given time. A project might be redesigning this web site (something I’ve thought about, but….) or knitting a scarf. That’s different than tasks, which are the small bits that make up a project, like finding a new web site theme, reading about how to transfer the site to a fancier host, finding a knitting pattern, or buying yarn.

Ok, that sounds fine. But 7-8 projects is a lot. I figured I should have less, maybe half that. April said that most people have dozens, or even hundreds, of projects on their to do lists, but most can’t handle more than 7 or 8 at a time. I knew I had a lot of projects on my to do list, but I figured wasn’t trying to do that many at once.

Or so I thought. Oh boy. I had at least a dozen. I decided to put a bunch off until later. I made a list of 8 projects, then listed out my tasks.

That was over a month ago and everything was going great. Until this week. I admit I was struggling to juggle all of those projects before, but now it just feels completely impossible. 8 is too many, but it’s hard to put any of them aside when they’re all things I either really need or really want to do.

Should I stop working on the projects that might earn me some money? That isn’t really an option. I could skip the favor that I promised I’d do for a friend. But I’m 90% done and I promised her 10 months ago. I’d really love to finish already! Or should I skip buying pants? I only have 1 pair that fits, and that might be ok in some climates, but not here in Boston.

But then I have a bigger project. I’m moving. This is a great news. I’ll be in a lovely apartment in a nice town. I’ll have all sorts of amenities and I’ll get a dog. The thing is, first I have to change my address in a million different places, sell a bunch of furniture, hire movers, get boxes, and pack! It’s overwhelming. It’s the equivalent of 3 projects.

And that’s probably why I haven’t worked on that favor I promised to help my friend with and I haven’t bought pants (though in fairness, I tried shopping for pants twice and couldn’t find anything either time, so I did try,) and I haven’t done a thing for 3 of my other projects in the last couple of weeks, either. I’m struggling to keep my head above water here.

And yet, I don’t have a full time job. My health isn’t great but it’s fairly stable right now. I don’t have a significant other or kids or even a pet to take up my time. That isn’t to say I don’t have good reason to feel a bit overwhelmed, but maybe it isn’t as difficult as it seems. Maybe I need to take a step back and reexamine things.

I have a lot going on. Appointments are taking up time and energy. But in between those, I need to find a way to fit in some of the projects I’ve prioritized. They’re on my priority list for a reason, so I need to find a way to do them. Because I know I’ll be happier when I do. And less overwhelmed and anxious.

This overwhelm and anxiety is not good for my health and I know it. It even causes me to get less done! Talk about being counterproductive.

Still, I need to be realistic. And that’s why, until I’ve moved and unpacked, I’m removing a couple of projects from my list. 8 is too many, especially if preparing to move is one of them.

But I still plan to buy pants.

What about you? Do you get overwhelmed by what seem like a reasonable number of projects and tasks? How do you handle it? How do you choose what to set aside and what to focus on? Please comment so we can give each other ideas!

Update 2 days later: After giving this more thought and considering the lovely comments by Lorna J. and Ms. Mango, I made a couple decisions. First, I’m categorizing my projects as big, medium, and small. Big is moving. Small is putting a disability-rights bumper sticker on my car. Next, I’m keeping the small ones, but I’m doing them asap and getting them off my plate. I’m moving a couple of the bigger and medium ones off my list. They’ll have to wait until later.

That leaves me with something that feels a bit more reasonable. I did one little thing today: I put the bumper sticker on my car. So little. So easy. But that sticker has been sitting on my table for months! I’m relieved to have that done! I just needed the push. Another small one is an errand that will be done tomorrow. A very large project that I’ve been working on for a while should be done by Sunday (2 more days!) at the latest. And once these things are all done, I’m not adding anything else to my list until after I move.

That will leave me with just 3 projects: moving, buying pants (unfortunately that can’t wait, but I’m going to try and do it tomorrow along with the other errand), and working on a project that I care a lot about. I’ll still have smaller things: knitting and physical therapy and cooking and other daily stuff. But the “projects” list will finally be reasonable! Thanks for the support and encouragement!

6 Comments | Decisions, Expectations, Fatigue, Frustration, Limitations, Rants | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

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