Where’s the fairness? Life and chronic illness

February 29, 2012

Life’s not fair.  We hear that all the time as children.  I think it usually goes something like:

Kid (whining): I want X!

Parent: I’m sorry, you can’t have it.

Kid (still whining): But that’s not fair!

Parent: Life isn’t fair.  Get used to it.

Sound familiar?  I don’t know when I stopped thinking about fairness in that way, but it must have been a long time ago.  I don’t really believe in karma.  I do believe that if you do good things, then good things will happen to you, but that’s because I think that if you help out the people in your life, then they will help you out in return.  It’s not because I think there’s a cosmic balance in the world.  I know many people disagree, but that’s my thinking.  So I know that fair isn’t relevant.

Maybe that’s why I was so caught off-guard today when I was emailing with a friend about how on earth I can plan a date when my pain levels are jumping all over the place, and she wrote back: Sorry to hear you’re hurting so much, it’s just not fair.

And here’s my response to her, verbatim: Nope, it’s definitely not fair.  If it was fair, this would hit murderers and rapists, and it would leave me alone.  I just want to get a nice job working at a little nonprofit, date, and go out with friends.  Nope, no fairness.  But then, that’s no surprise.

Yeah, I know I sound a bit bitter, but can you blame me?  I’m sure we all have those moments.  Because no matter who we are or how we act, we could get a bad illness.  Because there are horrible people in the world who are completely healthy, and wonderful people who are very sick.  Because there are horrible people with billions of dollars, and fantastic people who are starving to death.  Because life isn’t fair.

Most days, I know that means that I just have to make the best of it.  Some days, I wallow in the unfairness of it all.  Lately I’ve been picturing what my life would be like if I suddenly got better, and it’s a lovely life.  I would get a job at a nonprofit, helping people.  I would do volunteer work.  I would go out more and do more fun things.  I would exercise and take good care of my body.  I would work to raise awareness of chronic illness and what it means.  I would not be so scared to start a family.  And then I wake up and remember that that’s not my life.  Maybe it will be one day, but that’s unlikely.  So I’m back to making the best of it.  It’s not always easy, but it’s all I’ve got.

And tomorrow I’ll ignore all of the many things in life that are unfair, and just accept reality again.  For a while, at least.


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Pain: I’d rather be asleep

February 28, 2012

You know things are bad when the first thought you have when you wake up in pain in the middle of the night is, “Crap, now I’m going to be exhausted tomorrow.”

I guess a “healthy” person, someone who doesn’t have chronic pain, would have called 911.  But I’ve had enough pain over the years to just sigh, try to fall asleep, then give in and read a book.  I learned how to sleep through the pain when I was a teenager.  People have been amazed by that, but it’s a survival instinct.  Yes, when the pain is worse, I don’t sleep as well, but I can often sleep through the  lesser pain.  And miraculously, my pain hasn’t been too bad at night, so it hasn’t kept me awake.  That’s what made last night even more strange.

When I woke up, I first thought of the dreams I’d been having, so maybe those are what really woke me up.  But then I noticed the pain – everywhere.  Ok, it wasn’t everywhere, but it was in a lot more places than usual!  I did a quick assessment: “toes (not again!), knees (they never hurt when I’m lying down, except for weather-related pain – is it going to snow?), fingers (oh crap, that’s getting worse, and that just started a few weeks ago), shoulder (yow!  that’s a bad one, and completely new), elbows (uh oh, those never hurt before), and everything else…. seems ok so far.  Ok, some new pain, some old pain, and nothing I can do about either right now.  Better get back to sleep.”

After that highly technical assessment, I tried to ignore it all, but the pain was intense.  Around 4:30am I gave up and read a book for a while.  Luckily, later in the day I was able to fall asleep on the couch, and I took a 4 hour nap.  None of this is normal.  I never wake up for the day at 4:30am.  And I never take a 4 hour nap.  But the “healthy” person would have been worse off – I’m pretty sure they would have spent many hours in a hospital and learned nothing.

People are often amazed at the way I handle these things.  They say I’m so strong, and they admire that.  My response is, if you’d been dealing with chronic pain for 20 years, since your childhood, you’d probably react the same way.  What choice do I have?  Panicking won’t help one bit.  I’d rather roll over and go back to sleep.

 

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Painful painkiller politics: the double standards of addiction

February 23, 2012

This week’s Chronic Babe carnival is about how prescription painkillers are handled in this country.  The article The War Over Prescription Painkillers got a huge response; many people feel strongly about this issue.  I am one of them.

The pain started when I was 12.  It was sporadic and manageable.  It changed when I was 16.  It became constant and severe.  On a good day, the pain was at a 6 or 7 on the now-familiar pain scale.  If only there had been more good days.  The pain was 24/7.  I learned to eat through it, sleep through it, go to school through it, be a teenager through it.  I did not learn how to properly manage it.  No doctors sent me to a pain clinic.  There was some vague talk about painkillers, but I was scared, and no one properly explained them.  No one offered coping mechanisms.  That was back in the 1990s.  I would have expected things to have improved by now.  I wish I’d been right.

I wrote before about my feelings about medical marijuana.  I think people (meaning politicians) need to get over the stigma of it, and accept that if it can help people while imparting relatively few side effects, then it should be prescribed like any other substance that helps people.  It all comes down to the stigma.  And that’s what’s happening with the current state of painkiller prescriptions.  There’s a stigma, and that’s stopping people from getting the medications they need.

The question is simple, really: is it worth risking the well-being of the many people who could become addicted to painkillers if it means helping those who are in pain?  Well, let’s examine a few similar situations.

  1. Plenty of people like to gamble.  I’m one of them.  From time to time, I’ll buy a lottery ticket.  Sure, I know I’m probably throwing my money away, but it’s fun to dream about what I’d do with the winnings.  Some people get addicted to gambling.  This can harm those who are addicted as well as their loved ones and society in general.  Far from making it illegal, more states are making it legal now, including my own state of Massachusetts.  And it doesn’t help people with serious illnesses.
  2. Many people like to drink.  Some people go out for a drink or two, then safely go home.  Some people are addicted to alcohol.  Many people are killed by drunk drivers.  The people who drink are harmed, and so are their loved ones, strangers, and society.  Is alcohol illegal?  Well, Prohibition really didn’t work out too well in this country, and even that wasn’t a full-out ban.  These days, drinking is embraced.  Social events often involve alcohol.  Religious events often involve alcohol.  Work events often involve alcohol.  And it doesn’t help people with serious illnesses.
  3. A lot of people like to smoke.  Some smoke a lot, some smoke rarely.  Some people are addicted to cigarettes.  Smoking can kill the smokers and also the people who are exposed to their smoke.  Smoking can even detract from some workers’ productivity (add up all those cigarette breaks, and the smokers at my office spend a lot more time away from their desks than I do.)  And so now smoking is illegal.  Oh, wait, it’s not?  Really?  Hmm….  And it doesn’t help people with serious illnesses.

I could easily go on.  The point is, we do not ban items or practices because they may be abused by a minority.  if the item or activity is deemed safe overall, we allow it.  [Note: Cigarettes don’t fit this category – if they were a new invention, free of lobbying, I doubt they’d get past the FDA, but that’s just my own guess.]  So why are prescription painkillers so stigmatized?  Why are they less socially acceptable than gambling, drinking, and smoking?  I think it’s precisely because gambling, drinking, and smoking are for everyone (who  is of a certain age) whereas prescription painkillers are only for “sick people.”  The majority want to believe they will never be in need of these medications, so it is easy enough to say that their primary purpose is for use by addicts and sellers.  These people don’t want to see the real need; it’s easier to turn away from it.  But that doesn’t change it.  The need is real, and it’s here.  There are a lot of potentially dangerous substances in this world and we can’t remove them all.  Let’s not allow fear to take away something that is so beneficial to so many.

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1 Comment | Educating, Expectations, Frustration, Healthcare, Pain, Politics, Rants, Symptoms | Permalink
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Gluten-free day 1: The merry-go-round

February 20, 2012

Drugs, physical therapy, hypnosis, more drugs, diet, tai chi, acupuncture, meditation, psychotherapy, herbal medicine, yet more drugs…. I’ve tried a lot of different “treatments” over the years, and so far some have helped a bit, but none has eliminated any of my symptoms.  At best, a couple have lessened the pain, but that’s about it.

Now I’m looking at what could be the holy grail of treatments: a gluten-free diet.  According to books, web sites, doctors, and the nutritionist I met with last week, this could be the key.  Of course, the logical, weary, tired part of me knows that this could be just one more false lead.  Still, I’d like to hold out a little hope.

If the books and experts and such are right, then gluten can triggers an autoimmune response in the body, and eliminating gluten and relieve that response and therefore the symptoms.  In six months I could have less pain, less fatigue, less nausea…. it’s almost too much to hope for!

I’m realistic.  I don’t expected to be “cured” or anything close to it.  But if I could get a little energy back, that would be the best thing I could imagine right now.  So I figure it’s worth a shot.  Even if this doesn’t work, it probably won’t hurt me.  I just had two days of worse-than-usual nausea from adjusting a medication dose.  Sure, going gluten-free is inconvenient, but if it works, I’ll gladly do it for the rest of my life.

So today was day 1 of being gluten-free.  It was what could literally be the first day of the rest of my new life.  I sure hope it is.

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