Thanks a lot, hormones!

April 5, 2015

It’s easy to forget how much of an effect hormones have on our physical, mental, cognitive, and emotional health until they get all fucked up.

Now, before I continue, let me say that, yes, I will be talking about my period. Oh heavens! Some of you have already IMG_20140312_153843closed the browser screen. Others are squirming uncomfortably. Tough. This is what I talk about on this site: health issues. And that includes periods. Have questions? Read this post from last year.

As I’ve mentioned before, I have PCOS. That’s polycystic ovary syndrome. It’s not uncommon, but it affects different people in different ways, so we have to be careful not to generalize when it comes to PCOS. For me, it means I’ve never in my life had a “regular” period. I won’t bother to describe the horror that was my so-called menstrual cycle when I was a teenager. Let’s skip ahead to last year.

After many years on a few different birth control pills and other hormones, I suddenly stopped getting my period. I’d had some off months before, but this time was different. My doctor had me go off the pills to see if I’d get a period naturally. I didn’t. So he ordered an ultrasound. Now don’t get me wrong, I was thrilled to not be getting a period. It was one less thing to deal with from a body that gave me enough to deal with. And I wasn’t looking to get pregnant, so that wasn’t an issue. But there were 2 likely reasons for the lack of a period, and we needed to know which it was. Birth control pills can lean to a thinned endometrial lining, and that can mean no blood. Or maybe I wasn’t ovulating, so that’s why there was no blood. Maybe it was both. Unfortunately, the ultrasound showed that my endometrial lining was building up. It wasn’t at dangerous levels yet, but it was getting close. That’s not good.

So my doctor put me back on a birth control pill. And it’s not been good. First came the brain fog. Then the moodiness, ravenous appetite, and increased pain. Then the fatigue. I eventually realized I’d become hypothyroid again. Estrogen can bind thyroid receptors (thank goodness I’d done my own research!) My doctor ran blood tests, and while I waited for the results I went on the placebo week (many birth control pills have this: you take the pill for three weeks, then nothing or a placebo for a week.) I got my period (yay!) and felt SO. MUCH. BETTER! All those new symptoms were gone!

The blood tests came back and my doctor increased my thyroid med when I started the next birth control cycle. The symptoms all improved, but didn’t go away completely. The fatigue is still bad. I became nauseated frequently. I had occasional disturbing thoughts. The other day I was just going about my business, thinking about how lousy I felt, and suddenly thought that it might be best to die. Then I wouldn’t have to deal with the health stuff. Hmm, that’s not good. I wasn’t feeling depressed or suicidal. The thought only lasted a moment. But it was a moment too long. I’m usually a happy person, but I’d been in a bitchy mood for the past week. I’m not liking me these days.

Yesterday I’d had it. I was sick of the nausea. I worked too hard to fix my diet to be dealing with this bullshit now! And the fatigue was too much. I worked too hard to fix that, too. And don’t get me started on my mood. I just couldn’t stand it anymore.

So today I made a change. Sure, I probably should have checked with my doctors. But I didn’t. I know what I’m doing is safe in the short term. We’ll worry about the long term at my next appointment in a few weeks. So what did I do? I went off the birth control pills and I went back to my old dose of thyroid med – exactly what I was doing before this whole mess. I’m only 1 week into the cycle. I don’t know if I’ll get my period, but I do think I’ll be feeling better in another day or two, and that’s the important part.

I will need to do something to make sure I get my period at least a few times a year. There are other options. This was the option that we thought would have the fewest side effects. Back to the drawing board! Maybe I need a different estrogen pill. Maybe I need progesterone instead. Maybe I need both (which is what I had before last year.) Maybe I needed to raise my thyroid med more. That’s very possible, and I probably should have done it today, but I just felt too lousy.

Very likely, I will need to try this whole thing again in a few weeks. And I will go through this same misery when I do. But for now, I’m hoping my hormones will calm down a bit and allow me at least a few days of feeling my usual level of lousy, instead of this new level!

6 Comments | Decisions, Expectations, Fatigue, Frustration, Healthcare, Isolation, Limitations, Medication, Pain, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Tagged: , , | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

I miss my friends

March 30, 2015

The other day I wrote about my many medical appointments this month. There was a time when I’d squeeze an appointment in before work, or go during an extra-long lunch break (which I’d have to make up for after work hours.) Those days are long gone. Now I don’t have to worry about missing work, but I do have to worry about missing life.

As I’ve been feeling better lately, I’ve been spending more time with friends. What a treat that’s been! I do better during the day, so I don’t go out much on weeknights. But I see many friends on weekends, and I have a lot of new friends who also don’t work due to chronic illness, so I hang out with them on weekdays. Seeing one or two friends on weekdays each week has been wonderful! Unfortunately, with so many medical appointments, I just can’t manage it.

Today (Monday) I’m doing things around my apartment that need doing. They really need to be done, but I’m also resting. I have an appointment early tomorrow that I need energy for. And one of the things I have to do today is to prepare for tomorrow’s appointment: I need to prepare all sorts of notes so I don’t forget anything when I’m in the office. Tomorrow I doubt I’ll do anything besides that appointment. Wednesday I hope to do some clothes shopping. I don’t have any bathing suits that fit and summer is right around the corner. I’d like to see friends, but I know I won’t have the emotional energy for it after Tuesday’s appointment. Still, shopping drains my physical strength and causes extra pain, so I always need a full day to recover afterwards. That’s what Thursday will be: a recovery day. And at some point Thursday (or sooner) I need to prepare notes for Friday’s medical appointment. After Friday’s medical appointment I’m going to a Passover sedar with my family. I’m not religious, but it means a lot to them, so I go. I’ll probably have to go directly from the medical appointment. Saturday is a nephew’s birthday party, so as you can imagine, Sunday will be another day to rest. And BOOM! The week is gone!

Last week was pretty similar, and I think the following week will be, too. And of course, I know I’m lucky – a year ago I wouldn’t have been able to manage so much in a week. This is huge for me! Still, I miss hanging out with friends. I miss socializing. I like having quiet time to myself. I don’t get bored easily. I can happily spend a day reading and puttering around. But like many humans, I’m a social creature. I live alone, so on the days I don’t leave the house, I don’t see another human being. Days like yesterday, I might go out and see strangers in passing, but I don’t have any real conversations with anyone.

March is a gray month in Boston. As I write this, the skies are dark and there are some light snowflakes coming down from the sky. I have no desire to go for a walk (which I’ll have to do anyway) or to go outside. Yet, a little company would be lovely.

Like I weather, I know my current social situation is temporary. So I’m trying to make some plans with friends for a few weeks from now. At least that way I’ll have something to look forward to when this ridiculous string of medical appointments is over. And I’m just grateful everyone understands why I’ve disappeared for a bit.

Leave a Comment » | Decisions, Expectations, Fatigue, Frustration, Healthcare, Isolation, Limitations, Pain, Rants, Relationships: Family & Friends & Dating & Sex | Tagged: , , | Permalink
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Always rethinking goals

March 27, 2015

I had a plan. Then I got sick.

But then, you know what they say about the best laid plans.

This morning I was talking with a friend. Sometimes I do some budget consulting. I don’t have the energy to do much of 3-27-2015 4-01-42 PMit, but I love it, and do it when I can. I always begin with discussing the person’s/couple’s goals. These goals can be anything: buying a house, buying a smart phone, getting a dog, having children, traveling the world, starting a business, retiring young…. there are endless possibilities.

Today I happened to be working with a friend, so it was more casual than when I get paid by strangers to consult for them. After we’d gone through her goals, her spending, her debt, her income, and her savings, we talked some more about goals. And she asked me about mine.

Most people assume my goal is to get healthy, but it’s actually not. I know I’ll never be completely healthy, and I also know I want more than that.

We all had plans that were different when we were healthier. Some got derailed because of health, some got derailed for other reasons, and some were achieved. After my friend left, I thought again about my goals. I think the most unusual thing about them is how often I think about them and change them. Most people, I would guess, hardly ever step back to look at the bigger picture. They assume they’ll do the things society tells them to do, like get a job, get married, buy a house, and have children, probably in that order. But they don’t think beyond that. I know I didn’t. In fact, that’s about what my life plan looked like.

Just before I got sick, I started thinking about leaving my 9-5 job and starting my own business. I didn’t know what that would be. I thought I might try to earn a living off of blogging (spoiler alert: this blog is 4 years old and earns nothing, so that won’t be how I earn my fortune.) I considered some other options. I dated and looked for Mr. or Ms. Right. And mostly I put one foot in front of the other.

Since I’ve been out of work, I am constantly thinking about the present and the future, about what I want and how to achieve it. I change it constantly, as my health and moods change. I’ve come up with several potential ways to work for myself from home part time. I know that I want a dog. I want to improve my health as much as possible while not being obsessed with it. I want a dog. I would love to find a life partner, but I’m also currently content with being single. I want to live someplace quiet and peaceful, preferably near the water. I want to exercise regularly, including physical therapy. I want to be financially stable. I want to spend less time home alone and more time with people I love. And did I mention that I want a dog?

Most people don’t think about their goals often, if at all. Having a chronic illness doesn’t necessarily change that. For some people, it might make them think about their goals less. I happen to go the opposite way. I need something to reach for. I need a happy place to aim for. It gives me a reason to try. Let’s face it, living with chronic illness is work! Reaching for my goals gives me a bit of incentive not to give up on that work.

What about you? Do you spend a lot of time thinking about your goals? Do you avoid them? Do you change your goals over time? What’s one thing on your list?

4 Comments | Decisions, Expectations, Job, Milestones, Raves, Relationships: Family & Friends & Dating & Sex, Unpredictable | Tagged: , , , | Permalink
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Why I must be my own medical detective, and you should be yours

March 17, 2015

I just solved a huge mystery. My doctors agreed that it makes total sense. But they didn’t think of it. I did.

It’s not easy to research a health condition. It can feel impossible when you don’t have a diagnosis. I went to the library when my symptoms started, but I didn’t find anything. That was in the pre-household-internet dark ages of the early 1990s. When I got online a few years later, I tried again, but I didn’t find anything. Years later the internet had more information it on so I tried again, and again, no luck. It was looking up symptoms. I didn’t have a diagnosis yet.

11 years after my symptoms started I had a diagnosis, but it wasn’t very helpful. Then I got more diagnoses. And more. And more. Still, I couldn’t piece together the puzzle. I was overwhelmed. I gave up.

One day in the library I was reading a novel and I suddenly had the urge to get rid of (or at least ease) my daily nausea. I found some books, and my journey began.

I was fortunate in many ways. The brain fog was bad, but I was still able to read. It was slow and torturous, but I did it.  I was educated enough to make sense of some difficult matter. I had just enough diagnoses to follow the right breadcrumbs. I had a fantastic library at my fingertips. I found the right books when I was in the right mindset. I was lucky. But I also worked damn hard. It took many, many months to get through those books. And it was worth every minute.

I’ve noticed lately that I have a lot more free time now that I’m not always studying those books and reading websites and following Facebook groups. It’s not that I’m cured, but I learned enough to get stable, and I was ready to take a break before tackling the next thing. I’ll do it at some point, but now I’m resting.

A couple weeks ago I was having bad brain fog. (I still am.) It came on suddenly and I didn’t know why. Maybe it was the estrogen I’d recently started again for my PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome)? I could imagine why that would make a difference, but that was the only change in my medications. Or maybe it was the change in seasons? I always have trouble when the seasons change, especially in the spring. I checked with my naturopath. She agreed estrogen itself wouldn’t have this effect, but maybe the fillers would. Or it could be the change in seasons. But that didn’t feel right. I know how that feels, and the symptoms, their degree, and the style of onset just didn’t feel like it came from the start of spring.

There was nothing to do but wait and see. I hate that. But I had no choice, so I waited. Then the other day I looked in the mirror and noticed one eyebrow was thinning near the end. That was odd. It’s a classic hypothyroid symptom, but my thyroid has been stable! I have Hashimoto’s Disease, so antibodies are attacking my thyroid. In theory that means that I’ll need to adjust my medications over time, but my immune system has been calmer lately. And besides, wouldn’t the onset of brain fog be more gradual? It didn’t seem right.

Then a few hours later it hit me: the estrogen! I’d read in my research that estrogen affects the thyroid hormone delivery system. I’d paid attention because at the time I was taking estrogen for my PCOS. I went off of it later. If the estrogen I started a few weeks ago was binding those thyroid hormones, then it could have made my current thyroid dose partially ineffective and caused me to become hypothyroid again! This explains other symptoms, too, like my slight depression, moodiness, and increased appetite.

I emailed my naturopath. She agreed. I emailed my thyroid doc. He agreed. I’m getting blood work done tomorrow. There’s no doubt in my mind that I’m right, but the blood work will confirm it and then the doctor can write me a new, higher prescription.

No doctor was going to catch this. That was clear. I was going to continue to get worse and worse and maybe, just maybe, someone would have eventually realized it was my thyroid. But how sick would I have gotten? Instead, we caught it early – I’ve only been on the estrogen for 3 weeks. With any luck, by next week the brain fog will have lifted and I’ll feel stable again!

Being a detective isn’t easy, but it’s necessary. No one cares about my health more than me. No one will fight harder for my health than I will. And no one can understand my body better than me. Someone else would look at my history and say that this was the same thing I deal with every March. Only I could know that it wasn’t because it just didn’t feel like it.

Think about what you know about your body and your health that no one else can know. Then, when you feel up to it, consider doing a little reading. And please come back here and let me know how it goes!

Do you do your own research? Have you felt it was worthwhile? Please share your experiences, good, bad, or otherwise, in the comments!

2 Comments | Educating, Expectations, Frustration, Healthcare, Limitations, Medication, Raves, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Tagged: , | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

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