If you’re a spoonie, you probably know what it’s like to be stuck at home. And maybe you sometimes get to choose to stay home. They’re very different.
For most of the last few years, when I was home it was because I was stuck at home. If I felt up to going out, I did because I knew I had to take advantage of the limited opportunity. But lately I’ve been feeling a bit better and I’ve been choosing to stay home. I’d sort of forgotten what it was like. I’d had a lot of time at home before, but this is different, and I’m still learning the ways that it’s different.
When I’m stuck, I want to go out, or to at least have the option to go out. When I can choose, I often don’t want to go out and have to talk myself into taking a walk or running errands, just to get fresh air and exercise.
When I’m stuck, I’m often lonely. When I can choose, I appreciate the quiet solitude of being home alone.
When I’m stuck, I’m sad to miss out on social events. When I can choose, I feel less bad if I miss those events.
When I’m stuck, my apartment feels small and cramped. When I can choose, my home feels warm and cozy.
When I’m stuck, I’m bored and can’t do much beyond watch tv and read a bit. When I can choose, I often feel well enough to work on hobbies, cook, clean up the clutter, and also read and watch tv (not all on the same day, though.)
When I’m stuck, I feel sad. When I can choose, I feel content.
When I’m stuck, I’m very aware of the pain and fatigue. When I can choose, the pain and fatigue are obviously less, and feeling better allows me to mostly ignore the pain and fatigue that remain.
When I’m stuck, I spend a lot of time on social media, trying to connect with the outside world. When I can choose, I spend more time doing things on my own.
When I’m stuck, I think about the things I can’t do. When I can choose, I focus on the things that I can do.
When I’m stuck, I make plans for a future that seems remote and unlikely. When I can choose, I make plans (the same plans, by the way,) for a future that feels foreign but possible.
When I’m stuck, I go out every chance I get. When I can choose, sometimes I go out and sometimes I stay in.
When I’m stuck, having company is thrilling. When I can choose, sometimes company is nice and sometimes I’d rather stay home alone.
When I’m stuck, I am very aware of being stuck. When I can choose, I’m very aware that I have a choice. And I’m so incredibly grateful to have that choice.
Oh my goodness, I’d definitely echo what you just said!
What brilliant insights, CR!
Having *a choice* makes so much difference, in All.The.Places! One of my fave bloggers, Havi Brooks (fluent self dot com), calls it “sovereignty” – that sense of having at least some control over some aspects of your life.
May *all* your Holidays of Choice be full of wonderful moments!
Thanks Karen! You’re right, having a choice makes such a difference in so many other parts of life, too.
So true. It is a huge difference between choosing and not having a choice.
Thanks for putting words to how it feels. That was great.