I want to cry. I am not sad or upset, but I want to cry. That’s the beauty of having a prescribed hormone yanked away.
When I wrote this post a week ago, I figured the med would be approved eventually, so I’d just have one unpleasant month. As it turns out, the insurance company denied it completely. I’ll need to appeal. Or try another med. Never mind that I’ve been on this one for EIGHT YEARS! Never mind that my DOCTOR prescribed it because he felt it was the best option for me. Nope, the insurance is deciding this one.
Memory is a funny thing, especially when you have cognitive and memory problems. I know I’ve been off the med for brief times before, and I remember that it made me emotional, but I didn’t remember it being this particular level of hell. For the last 24 hours, I’ve been a wreck at times and I’ve felt fine at times. When I feel fine, I figure the other stuff was a fluke. Then I’m a wreck again and I know that I need to find another solution. I can’t just wait to see if my body normalizes over time. (We tried that once. It didn’t.)
I’ve been really anxious. And I’ve been obsessing. Last week, before the hormone change kicked in, I sent a text to the guy I’m sleeping with. He didn’t answer right away. I thought about him occasionally, had some nice sex fantasies, and assumed he was busy and would get back to me later. Then I moved on and did other things. Yesterday the hormone stuff started, and it was much earlier than I expected. I sent him an email yesterday and he didn’t respond right away. I started wondering if he didn’t like me anymore (even though we sent flirty messages earlier in the day and made a date for next week.) Then I started thinking he was intentionally ignoring me. He’s avoiding me. He’s going to ditch me and that’s why he’s not answering. He’s sick of dealing with me.
Ok, I know how ridiculous that sounds. Even while I thought it, I knew it was ridiculous. And yet, I couldn’t stop thinking it. And I kept thinking about it. Even when I tried to do other things, I kept thinking about it. Every time I had an email or a text message, I wondered if it was him. That’s not normal. That’s not me. I don’t usually obsess like this. And I’m pretty sure that next week I won’t be obsessing and anxious and weepy. But right now I am. Right now I’m crying because I got a call about scheduling an appeal hearing for state medicaid, and I couldn’t thinking clearly enough to make an important decision (because of this mess with the medication,) and I started crying. Again, that’s not me.
There are a lot of good reasons to stop taking a prescription. I can think of many. And they all involve choices being made by the patient and the doctor based on what’s best for the health of the patient. None of them involve money or insurance companies, and yet that’s how my decision is being made right now. This is just plain wrong. I’d like to call the insurance company and tell them that, but when I called before, I started crying. The irony.
So I’m legitimately angry, pissed off, furious. That’s my normal response, and I’ll happily embrace it. As for the rest, I’m hoping it goes away soon, so I can go back to feeling like myself. I miss me.