I’m trying to focus on feeling a bit less pain. In general I’ve had plenty of good days, but I’ve also been having bad days. On this blog, though, I’ve been focusing almost entirely on the negative aspects lately. Of course, there’s a reason this blog is called Chronic Rants. Yes, I like to rant. Yes, I think that sometimes it’s necessary to rant. But it’s also necessary to focus on the good parts too, to make sure we don’t just wallow in negativity. I sometimes have to make an effort at that.
So today I’m thinking and writing about having less pain. The pain really skyrocketed last month, thanks to the change of seasons. I’m not sure exactly when this week the pain went back down to my pre-transition levels, but I love that it did. I know that it might not last, but I’m going to focus on it while I can.
I think there’s a tendency, especially with a new symptom or a new diagnosis, to expect a complete “cure” of a particular problem, and anything less isn’t good enough. Over time, that attitude changes. When you’ve suffered from level 6 pain (remember that good old pain scale?) for years and then it shoots up to a 9 for a while, going back to a 6 feels great. Sure, my fingers still curl more than I’d like, it’s hard to rest my hands palm down, and I can’t carry heavy things, but so what? And the truth is, I had many years of pain at levels 8 and 9 on a daily basis, so I’m actually able to do a lot now, thanks to hydroxychloroquine, that I couldn’t do before. I can hold a pen and write a full paragraph, I can hold a knife and cut vegetables, I can pick up a pot of water and pasta and drain it in the sink, and I can type with two hands. This is fantastic! Is it perfect by a “healthy” person’s standards? Nope, far from it. But for me it’s heavenly.
I have a lot more tough topics coming up, and I won’t shy away from those in my mind, in my heart, or on this blog. But today, it feels good to focus on having a bit less pain and feeling a bit happier because of it.