Projecting a “healthy” image

November 2, 2011

A few days ago I wrote this post for Chronic Babe’s carnival on Behind the Mask.  I’ve been thinking about it ever since.  Are there other masks I wear that I’m not aware of?

I went to the gym today.  This was a huge accomplishment.  I haven’t been to the gym in ages, and the last few times I went, I felt horrible afterwards.  Now I’m not working, and I’m on new meds, and I did a minimal workout, so I’m hoping to feel ok.  Still, it was weird being there with masks on my mind.

One reason I go to this particular gym is that no one seems to be judging anyone else.  We all just do our own thing.  No one needs to feel bad about choosing the small weights, or for only doing the treadmill.  Of course, that doesn’t stop me from feeling awkward anyway.  I only did 7  minutes on the bike.  Now, a few years ago I couldn’t even do that much, so this was huge for me.  But what did other people think?  The person on the next bike had clearly been there for a while, and was still there when I left.  Did she think it was strange?  What about the 3 minutes on the elliptical machine?  Again, for me this is a lot, but to others it must have looked weird.  What were they thinking?

The funny thing is, I really don’t care what people think of me.  The reason I wondered was that I was curious how I was projecting.  I’m so used to hiding my illness, and then when I can’t do something, I’m never sure if people think it’s because there’s something wrong with me or if they chalk it up to some so-called-normal trait, like laziness.  I didn’t know anyone at that gym and I’ll probably never see them again.  I don’t care if they thought I was weak or lazy or whatever.  But I do care about controlling how they see me.  I can’t control much with my illnesses.  I can’t control how I feel, or sometimes how I look, and even sometimes how I act.  If I can project the image that I want, though, that’s the ultimate control.

So I’m back to the question from my earlier post: is it worth it?

Answer: I don’t know.  I’m guessing that some days it is and some days it isn’t, but overall, I just don’t know.  Is it worth it for you?

Leave a Comment » | Decisions, Educating, Expectations, Frustration, Isolation, Limitations, Pain, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

The healthful joys of no computers

November 1, 2011

Not having internet was fabulous.

I’m sure to some people it sounds like a nightmare to be away from a computer for three and a half days.  To be honest, I wish it had been longer.  I did have email on my phone, but I wrote almost nothing and never browsed the web.  It made me realize just how much time I spend on the computer (hint: way way way too much.)

So what did I do instead?  I had great conversations with my mother.  I played with the dog (her dog; sadly I don’t have one.)  I took long walks.  Yes, we watched tv, but we also went out into nature.  We enjoyed the quiet.  We watched the ocean.  It was perfect.  The first day we took a 4 mile walk.  We took a few breaks, but we did it.  At home I never do that.  At home I feel like I can’t do it.  But with the cool clean air, the roar of the ocean, and the peacefulness, suddenly it didn’t seem too hard.

Do you have a place like this?  I wish I had one that was more local.  This place is fantastic, but I won’t be able to go back until spring.  I’m glad I made the most of it while I had the chance!  I know I wouldn’t be happy living there, but it is a fantastic place to visit.  I have been going there for a long time, and I’ve noticed that I always feel better when I’m there.  Of course, I’m on vacation when I’m there, so that helps, but even a quick weekend has the most amazing restorative effect.  I get more exercise, I eat better, and I take good care of myself.  I do more physical therapy, I read more, I’m active when I need to be and I rest when I need to.  What could be better?

Am I completely healthy when I go up here?  No, of course not.  I still have pain and fatigue and other issues, but it’s all a bit less bad.  What can I say?  I’m in love with the place.

So now it’s back to “real life” and all that goes with it.  I extended my internet vacation a bit, so I’m sorry for not posting anything yesterday.  It was so nice to be away from the computer, and I wanted it to last just a bit longer.  I’ll try to cut back from now on, though; sitting in front of a computer for hours just isn’t good for any of my conditions.  And as soon as spring hits, I’m taking another computer break and heading back to that beautiful seaside nook.  I hope you find a fantastic place to visit, too.

Leave a Comment » | Expectations, Limitations, Pain, Raves | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

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