Maybe “standing at the edge of a cliff” would be a better title for this post? I’m on some sort of precipice, I know that much.
I’m the queen of self-denial. I know that about myself. I know it, but I have trouble changing it. Making life-alter decisions is always difficult. We all know that. But how do you make those huge decisions based on incomplete information? One of the most difficult aspects of chronic illnesses is how unpredictable they are. If I knew, one way or another, how I’d feel in a few weeks or a few months, it would be so much easier to make these decisions. If I do X I’ll still feel lousy, if I do Y I’ll feel better, but Y is hard, so maybe I’m willing to feel lousy with X. But I’d know the result of each. It’s so much harder when it’s a choice of X or Y, and I can only guess at the outcomes of each. How do you guess? How can I guess?
There’s no good way. I know that I need to jump. I know it. But there’s definitely a part of me that’s in denial. This other part thinks that maybe I don’t have to jump. I’ve managed so well up to now. It’s been 20 years of symptoms and I’ve done great. I just need to keep doing what I’ve been doing. It’s not like I have any concrete symptoms. Nothing is visible. But I know…. just because it isn’t visible, doesn’t make it any less real.
So, I’m making a public goal: In the next week, I’ll jump. I’ll close my eyes and make the leap. I’ll be sure to write an update when I do. Until then, I’ll live in a denial for just a bit longer.
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