Packing a small suitcase is no longer an option

October 20, 2016

I used to travel constantly. And when I wasn’t traveling, I’d often spend the night at my IMG_20161020_202419.jpgboyfriend’s house. So I didn’t think much about packing. Sure, a big trip overseas required more thought, but short trips closer to home were easy. I’d throw a few things in a bag and be on my way.

I’m not sure when exactly that changed. It’s something I think about every time I pack now. Even a night away involves packing a full suitcase, instead of throwing a change of clothes and a toothbrush into a backpack.

Tomorrow I’m leaving for a weekend out of town. 10 years ago that would have meant throwing a few things in a small bag right before I ran out the door. I never understood why anyone would spend more than an hour packing for any trip. Now I get it.

I have a packing list, and I’ll be checking it closely. There are clothes and toiletries, of course. A novel and some knitting, definitely. Obviously a phone charger and, based on the forecast, an umbrella. There are more common things, like my spare glasses. I wouldn’t go far from home without them.

Then there’s my CPAP. And I have to pack an extension cord, because I’m not sure where the bed will be relative to a power outlet. There’s a long list of medications, including the ones that are easy to forget to pack, because I take them at all times of the day. There are my “just in case” meds, too, the ones I don’t take every day, but if I need them, I want to be sure I have them on hand. There’s special food that works with all of my food allergies. A heating pad for pain. Knee braces in case my knees act up. The blue light to help with my sleep disorder, not to mention the nice side effect of also helping my seasonal affective disorder, which is acting up now that we’re well into autumn. Far too many clothes, because my body doesn’t regulate temperature well and I could be sweating or freezing, regardless of the actual temperature. And there are probably one or two other things that I’ve forgotten.

It’s two days and I won’t be bringing a backpack. Instead, I’ll have my full suitcase, expanded so my pillow will fit. It has to be a suitcase with wheels, so I can get it in and out of my apartment building. I’ll also have a separate case for the cpap, and another bag for my food. Because now travel requires a lot more than a change of clothes and a toothbrush.

2 Comments | Expectations, Frustration, Limitations, Medication, Rants, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

What the hell, Mother Nature?

October 17, 2016

Like many people with autoimmune diseases, summer is not my friend. The heat and humidity combine to make me miserable, and there’s very little I can do about it. I stay in air conditioning. I rest. And I feel lousy.

And then fall comes, and all is right with the world. In the last few weeks, I saw a huge transformation. My mood improved, I was in less pain, I had more energy. I felt better, I looked better, life was better!

I was loving every single minute of it. I could take walks outside again. I could sit outside and read a book. Things were GOOD!

And then they weren’t. Mother Nature got confused. She forgot that it’s supposed to be autumn here in Boston. She forgot about our low humidity and cooler temperatures. And she went back to summer.

It’s not that hot, thankfully. But it’s warmer than it should be. And it’s humid. Very humid. A few days ago it was 58 degrees and dry, and later this week it will be 82 and humid. What the fuck, Mother Nature?

Even worse, I can’t use air conditioning. I have window units that have already been taken out for the season. They’re in the basement. If I could snap my fingers and have a magic fairy godmother put them back in, I would, but unfortunately that’s just not an option.

So I feel crappy and I don’t even know how I feel crappy. I’m in more pain, but not much more. I’m more fatigued, but not much more. My mood is worse, that’s for sure. But I can’t put my finger on any particular reason why this weather is so unpleasant for me. I wish I could.

The windows are closed. No fresh air. It’s more humid outside than inside. No fans in the windows, either. No long walks. No short walks. Not much of anything. Just waiting. Waiting for the weather to improve, because what else can I do?

And in the meantime, it’s screwing up my schedule. It’s too hot and humid to do laundry. It’s too hot and humid to cook. It’s too hot and humid to do any of the things I most need to do.

I was loving my jeans and fleece jacket. I’m not ready to go back to shorts and tank tops. So please, Mother Nature, please please please remember that this is fall, and give us back the cool, dry days!

 

2 Comments | Expectations, Fatigue, Frustration, Limitations, Pain, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

The skill I wish I didn’t need: removing bloodstains

October 15, 2016

I remember the night, around 3am, when my mom taught me how to remove bloodstains.

I got a lot of nosebleeds as a kid. So did most of our family. Luckily, we grow out of them as we get older, and I only get a half dozen or so every year now. Yeah, only.

Some nosebleeds came during the day, and some at night. Usually I woke up fast, since it affected my breathing, but this time I didn’t, and blood got all over my pillowcase. A light sleeper, my mom heard the running water down the hall, and came to investigate. She found me trying to wash the blood out. Instead of doing it for me like she had in the past, she decided it was time I learned how to do it myself, so she showed me what to do. Then she put a clean pillowcase on my pillow and I went back to sleep.

Fun times.

These days, I sometimes still use that skill, but these past two days I’ve used it far too much.

Thanks to PCOS (polycycstic ovary syndrome) my period is always an unpredictable adventure. Sometimes I don’t get it for a year. Then I get it too frequently. Right now I only get it with the help of hormones, but the hormones make me very sick. So the plan my doctor and I created is to only take them for 1 week every three months. That way I’ll bleed (my endometrial lining was building up too much, so unfortunately I can’t just avoid it altogether) but I won’t have to get sick from the hormones all month, every month.

I timed it carefully. I need to allow up to 2 weeks of feeling crappy – 1 week for the hormones and 1 week for my period. I waited until after the pooch left, then took them immediately, because I need my period to be over before I go on a short but much-anticipated trip next weekend with my girlfriends (our first girls’ weekend together!)

It was a good move, because I’m miserable. By the last days of taking the hormones I was fatigued, nauseated, and just feeling lousy, plus moody. Then after 2 days off the hormones, during which the crappy feelings continued, I got my period. And it was heavy. Very heavy. And it still is.

And that’s why in just the past day and a half I have washed bloodstains out of 3 pairs of underwear, 1 pair of pants, and 1 bedsheet. And that’s why it’s noon and I am sitting in my pajamas with no plans or desire to leave the house today. I don’t even want to deal with showering.

It’s a gorgeous day out. The New England fall colors are lovely. Normally I would be outside as much possible. But I’m bloody and crampy and just feeling blah. I’m grumpy  and irritable. I’ve had to wake up in the middle of the night two nights in a row to deal with pads full of blood and various bloodstains. And I curse the biology that makes this happen.

But in a few days this will be over, and I will have 3 blissful months with no period, and only removing my more mundane bloodstains – the ones from random scrapes and cuts, mostly from my own clumsiness.

Won’t that be nice?

Is it just me? Do you have unfortunate bloodstain-removing skills also? Please share in the comments!

5 Comments | Decisions, Gastrointestinal, Limitations, Pain, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

P.A.I.N.

August 31, 2016

It’s one of those days. Well, it’s one of those weeks, actually. For now. Because of course I don’t know how long this will last. It could be months or years.

The thing about chronic pain that a lot of people don’t understand is that it isn’t necessarily consistent. For me, I have different kinds of pain to different degrees in different parts of my body at different times.

Maybe one day my knees are brutal but the rest of me feels ok. And another day my toes hurt so much I can hardly stand up and my wrists are just sore. Maybe my knees are on fire while my neck is throbbing. Some of it is predictable and some of it isn’t and that’s just the reality.

For several years now, the variation has always fallen within a certain range. My toes hurt up to a certain point in a certain way, my knees hurt up to a different point in a different way, etc. I got used to that. I knew how to handle that.

I don’t know why, but something changed. My knees have hurt a lot more lately, and in a different way from before. There’s a sort of stabbing pain followed but what feels like a loss of structural integrity, though I usually manage to not fall but shifting my weight briefly.

Even worse, my wrists have started to hurt in an all-too-familiar way. This is the pain that I had 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for over 9 years. It isn’t quite as severe as it used to be, but it’s the same type of pain. Occasionally (maybe 1-3 times per hour) it gets worse for a few minutes. The only thing that ever helped was a medication that I’d rather not take, but I will if this continues. But it did help. That was 15 years ago (the first time I took it) and 7 or 8 years ago (the second time I took it.) It’s only been about a week, so I’m hopeful it will go away.

Maybe it’s the weather? Maybe I did something to trigger it? Is it a coincidence that my knees and wrists got worse at the same time? Are they related?

All I know is that I’m in a scarier type of pain than I have been for a while now. That’s the thing: it’s emotional. The pain in my knees is bad, but I can walk through it. The pain in my wrists isn’t much worse, but for some reason it’s limiting what I can do. And for many years it limited my ability to write, to type, to cut my meat, to brush my hair, to wipe my ass…. I’d understandably rather not go back to that place.

So now I wait. I wait and hope. I hope that the pain diminishes.

Because I accept that I will be in pain, but I don’t want to be in this level of pain, in this type of pain, in this part of my body.

3 Comments | Expectations, Frustration, Pain, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

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