The elusivisity of sleep

August 9, 2011

Get more sleep and avoid stress.  That was the advice of the doctor who first diagnosed me.  I thought he was nuts.  If it was so easy to get more sleep and avoid stress, wouldn’t everyone do it?

Eight years later, I’m doing much better on both counts.  It’s not like I get enough sleep every night, or avoid stress altogether, but I’m getting closer to enough sleep, and keeping my stress as minimal as possible.  It’s not easy, and I certainly slip, but overall I feel that I’m succeeding on both the sleep and stress fronts.

That’s why it’s especially infuriating when I don’t get enough sleep through no fault of my own.  What right does my body have to wake up at 5:30am on a Saturday for no reason?  That’s not fair!  After four nights of oddly vivid dreams it suddenly occurred to me that this may not be a coincidence.  I did some counting and realized this could be related to the new med.  A few minutes online proved me right: this is a common unlisted side effect.  Great.  Just great.  So now what?  When I don’t get enough sleep for several nights, my body starts to revolt.  I get pre-flu-like symptoms and feel just lousy.  If I still don’t get enough sleep, I usually get sick.  Today I started to get the pre-flu-like symptoms.  This is not a good sign, folks.  If the problem were my own schedule, I’d simply go to sleep earlier.  Instead, I fall asleep fine, then wake up feeling unrested.  This med is screwing me there’s not a damn thing I can do about it… except stop the med.  That’s not a great option.  So I’ll keep going.  With any luck, my body will adjust to the med and the elusive sleep will return.  And if I’m really lucky, the med will even do the work it’s supposed to do in the first place!

And in the meantime, I’ll continue to stumble through my days.  My mind is getting fuzzy, my body is weak, and there are big dark circles under my eyes.  But if there’s one good thing about constantly feeling lousy, it’s that I’ve learned to fake health pretty well.  When I get to work tomorrow, no one will be the wiser.  Unless this continues.  By next week, it’ll be pretty damn obvious.

Note: Yes, I know that “elusivisity” is not a real word.  If I’m going to be sleep-deprived, I might as well get to make up some fake words, right?

1 Comment | Frustration, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
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Your molehill is my mountain

August 3, 2011

I’m exhausted.  After a full day of work, I walked just over a half mile, while carrying stuff (purse, sweater, book, etc.).  I did errands, then walked more than a half mile back.  It wasn’t very hot, but it was a bit humid.  It was just over a mile, and I did it!

I know people who jog 3 miles for fun.  I know people who run marathons.  I know people who take a walk after dinner to relax and end up going more than 2 miles round trip.  That’s great for them.  But this is me.

Six years ago, I finally got the “something is better than nothing” message drilled into my head by one of my doctors, so I started small.  I spent about 10-15 minutes walking 1/4 mile twice a week.  That was the most I could manage then.  I gradually built up.  Now, some days I can walk a lot more and some days a lot less.  Some days, I can barely walk from my couch to my kitchen.  Other days, a mile feels like nothing.  So what does that make today?  It makes today better than some days and worse than others, and definitely a reason to celebrate.  It makes today a success. There may be a day when walking a mile is a completely unattainable goal.  Now, I’m going to live it up while I can.

A mile!  Yay me!

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Whether weather matters

August 1, 2011

Weather is a real pain in the you-know-what.  We can’t control it, we can barely predict it, and it can have a huge impact on our quality of life.  So many chronic conditions are affected by the weather.  People have said, “Why don’t you just move?”  Yeah, that’s easy for you to say.  Have you ever moved to a new city without knowing anyone there?  I’ve done it.  It’s hard.  It’s really really hard.  And the weather was great, but I didn’t like the city, so I was pretty unhappy there.  Where would I be happy?  And where would I even feel better?  I can’t be in a place that’s too hot and humid, or a place that’s too snowy and dark.  And since I’d need a job, and I’m not a citizen of any other countries, it would probably need to be in the U.S.  That’s pretty limiting.

I don’t want to move.  My family is here.  My friends are here.  I would hate to leave the people I care about.  But I know I’ll move some day.  Every summer is worse than the one before.  Every year I question how much longer I can stay.  My seasons in Boston are limited.  I love this town, and I’ll be sad to say goodbye.  Until then, I’ll enjoy it as much as I can.  And stay indoors with the a/c.

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For no reason at all

July 25, 2011

It’s amazing how suddenly symptoms can pop up.  There you are, just minding your own business, and they hit you.  Or at least, they hit me.  There I was, working on the computer today, minding my own business, when I felt the pain.  It was sudden and severe.  Now, since I was working on the computer, you’d think it would be in my back, my neck, my fingers, my wrists, my shoulders.  Nope, it was none of those.  That would make too much sense.  There I was, typing away, and I felt this horrible pain in my *toes*!  And it gets worse.  I was sitting cross-legged (yeah, yeah, it’s horrible for my posture, so sue me) and it was the foot that was off the ground that had the pain.  There it was, mid-air, and the pain attacked.  What’s up with that?  Ok, these things are unpredictable, I get that.  But are you kidding me?  Pain in my foot while it’s just hanging out?  That’s just so wrong.  If the pain’s going to hit, it should at least make a tiny bit of sense.  I know that’s asking too much, but sometimes I just fall back to wishful thinking.

Leave a Comment » | Frustration, Pain, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
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