The sad math of getting off benefits

March 15, 2015

Once upon a time there was a woman who worked most of her life. She babysat at 12, worked summers starting at 14, got good grades in school while doing a work-study program, went to college and graduate school, held many jobs during school and held more after each graduation, and 3-15-2015 1-59-07 PMalways did her best. One day she got sick. She was too sick to work. The government said they’d give her a small amount of money (after much fighting and pleading on her part.) Some people said she was lazy for not working harder, but she knew better. She was just too sick to work. Besides, all those years that she worked she paid into the fund that was now paying her. She worked on improving her health. One day she felt that she was ready to earn a small amount of money. She wondered what would happen if she ever wanted to earn her own living again. So she did the math….

I can accept that I might never be able to get off of benefits. I don’t like it, but I can accept it. My health has improved and stabilized to a point that I’m happy with. Yes, I would like to feel better, but if I never do, I can manage at this level. The thing is, that could be a problem financially. Thankfully, 20120809_220808social security disability insurance (SSDI) allows recipients to earn up to a certain amount each month while keeping benefits. I believe right now that amount is $1050. If I could earn the maximum, I could get by. Barely.

But the truth is, I’d love to get off of benefits if I could. I have always been self sufficient, and I would like to return to that. I prided myself on my independence. On top of that, I have control issues. It’s no wonder, when the biggest thing in my life – my body – is so out of my control. I hate the idea of relying on the government for my income. As I mentioned the other day, some politicians have suggested cutting SSDI by 20%! I’d much rather control my own income and larger financial situation. Sure, a boss can always fire me, and working for myself is no guarantee, but it still feels safer. That’s how control issues work.

So I decided to do the math, just out of curiosity. It started slow: how many hours each month would I need to work in order to earn $1050? Well, at $10 per hour I’d have to work 100 hours. That’s 20 hours per week. Well, that’s not happening any time soon. But I could probably earn $20, so that’s 50 hours/month. Ok, that’s more like it. I might be able to manage that in another year or two. But I can earn more for some of my skills, like my financial work, so maybe I could average $30 per hour? Somewhere in there I’d lose a few of my benefits, like fuel assistance and food stamps, but I’d more than make up for that. I played around, and felt ok about the options.

Then I started doing the math on what it would take to get off of all of the benefits. And that’s where it all fell apart. First, I’d have to replace my SSDI income. Ok, that’s tough, but I might be able to manage that at some point. Then I’d have to pay for health insurance, since I’d have lost both Medicare and Medicaid when I started earning more money. Well that’s stretching it, but I could still manage. Maybe. Eventually. It felt tight, but doable, until I remembered: taxes! SSDI income isn’t taxable, and I doubt that $1050 per month would be taxed much, if anything. But at these new income levels, I’d have to pay taxes. When I add it all up, I figure I’d need to earn at least $4000 per month. At least. And that’s just to break even!

So I can earn $1050 per month while getting SSDI, or I could earn at least $4000 per month, and the two would be equivalent from a financial point of view. But one way I’d have time to take care of my health and the other way I wouldn’t. Realistically, I just can’t see working full time again health-wise. It would have to be part-time work. And as much as I want to get off of benefits, it doesn’t seem worth it if I’d be breaking even, so I’d need to earn more to make it worthwhile. And that puts me back at my old salary (which was just slightly over $4k/month.)

It would be nice if there was a gradient of some sort. Like, if I earned $1050 I’d get full SSDI, and if I earned $1200 I’d get $150 less than full SSDI. That would be a great way to transition. But as it stands, it’s all or none.

I’m not saying it’s impossible that it’ll ever happen, but it sure feels unlikely that I’d be able to earn my old full time salary while working part time.

If you’re on benefits, have you ever considered getting off of them? Have you tried? How do you feel about it? Please share your thoughts and experiences in the comments.


I miss having the security of a steady liveable income

March 10, 2015

Sometimes I forget what it was like to have a steady liveable income. My new “normal” has become so ingrained, it’s easy to think that’s how it always was. Then I’ll wish I could buy a new sweater, for example, and I’ll remember there was a time when I really could buy a new sweater any time I wanted to.

This is one of those things that can be hard to understand until you live it. Politicians talk about cutting social security disability payments because they see the huge amount the program costs overall. They don’t consider what it’s like for an individual to have to actually live on the average payment of less than $1200 per month. (Full disclosure: my payments are above average. Of course, the cost of living in my city is also above average. I haven’t done the math to figure out if the ratios are the same or not.)

Of course, it’s all relative. There are people who aren’t on SSDI who only earn that much. There are people who earn $150,000 per year and are in debt. The former has their own set of issues that need addressing on a federal and state level. The latter has options, though. I miss having options.

Once upon a time I earned around the average national income of $50,000. Even in one of the most expensive cities in the country, I had no problem living on that salary. I just avoided spending money on certain things. I saved money every month. So while I couldn’t shop endlessly or at high-end stores, I could definitely afford to replace worn out clothes. That was my “normal” for many years.

It’s been a cold winter and that’s fine by me! The cold is much better for my body than the heat, so I’m happy about it. But unfortunately, my wardrobe is not. I have many t-shirts, but not many sweaters. The ones I have are old and out of style. Some are falling apart. They are pilling and developing holes. But I keep wearing them because I don’t have a lot of options. Sure, I have some savings, but SSDI only covers about half of my expenses each month and I need my savings for that other half. I can’t go throwing it around on clothes that I don’t really have to have.

It’s not the clothes that I miss, it’s the ease of of those purchases. It’s knowing that any money I spent would come back into my bank account and then some. It’s knowing there was always more where that came from. It was knowing that I had years, decades, to keep earning and saving.

And that security is what’s really been taken away.

Despite what certain politicians think, I would rather be working if it meant getting that security back. But the truth is, that’s just not an option for me right now.


What would it look like if healthcare worked the way I wanted it to?

January 19, 2015

I write a lot about all of the small things that I think are wrong with the system and the many small improvements I’d like to see. Those are all fine on a small scale, but what about the big picture? I decided to mentally design my own fictional healthcare system. For this my 500th (!!) post, I’m laying out just a few ideas for a system that I would 1-19-2015 5-44-01 PMactually want to be a part of. But I want your input to help make this fictional system even better! So please add your own ideas in the comments!

Now, I know that none if this is realistic right now politically, but wouldn’t it be nice if……?

To start, Ms. Rants’ Healthcare System (MRHS) is a system that would put the patient first. The goal would be to maintain health and prevent illness. Let’s say that again, because that’s a big fucking deal, and something that most of us don’t experience right now.

The system would put the patient first.

The goal would be to maintain health and prevent illness.

Oh my, I’m already light-headed with excitement! Ok, so we have our goal in place. Next up, let’s make sure everyone can access it, and I do mean everyone. Sure, someone has to pay for this, but I’m thinking there would either be a sliding scale or it would be paid for through taxes. But every person would have access to MRHS, regardless of income, assets, health, sexual orientation, gender identity, race, religion, citizenship status, etc.

And since we’re talking about access, that means that every office would have the following:

  • Accessible doors, chairs, bathrooms, examining tables, and everything else for all (including those who are able-bodied, in a wheelchair, overweight, blind, etc.)
  • Well-trained staff to understand and assist with the above.
  • Translators. The MRHS would have a staff of translators all over the world, all accessible via online video. When needed, translators would also be available in person whenever possible. All documents would be available in any language needed by the patient.
  • Medical personnel available for home visits for those patients who are unable to leave their homes.
  • Appointments in the morning, afternoon, and evening as well as weekend appointments. For the rare time the office is closed, patients can go to their local hospital for no charge.
  • Reserved appointment times for those who need last minute appointments not only for emergencies, but because they can not schedule in advance. For example, a retail worker may not know their work schedule until a few days in advance, so they need the flexibility to move appointments.

Of course, MRHS would also provide transportation to appointments for those who need it.

Now let’s talk about medical records. These would be electronic and available to every medical professional in every practice. I have spoken to programmer friends who work on these kinds of things so I know it’s not realistic right now, but this is my dream, and I’m choosing to dream about a world where this is possible. Right now, my Beth Israel hospital records can’t be read by my doctor at Brigham & Women’s Hospital unless I print them out and carry them with me. In MRHS, though, every doctor would use the same system. Everyone would be connected. But it wouldn’t only be the doctors who were connected: the patient would also be connected! The patient (or in the case of a child, the patient’s guardian) would approve each doctor who would see their record, and could rescind that permission at any time. The patient would also be able to make notes in their record, pointing out discrepancies between what they said/feel/experienced and what the doctor wrote. Of course, for this to work, every patient would need internet access and a computer, but of course in the MRHS dream that’s the reality, so that each patient can also participate in online support groups and do their own medical research. Training to use the computer would also be provided.

Of course, since each patient is being given the opportunity to be an active participant in their own care, the notes they add to their electronic record will be read and responded to in a timely manner. Patients can email every doctor, nurse, physician’s assistant, and other medical professional. Patients can also enter requests for certain tests and explain their reasoning as well as request changes in medications. Medical professionals will not receive any incentives or disincentives regarding tests or treatments, so all tests will be ordered unless there is a reason not to, and all treatments will be chosen based on their likelihood of success for the patient.

All tests and medications will be covered 100% by MRHS, of course. In addition, any over-the-counter item prescribed by a doctor will also be covered. For example, the multivitamins and vitamin D that my doctors now want me to take would be covered.

And it should go without saying that all accredited medical professionals will be covered. That includes doctors of all specialties, naturopaths, acupuncturists, chiropractors, and every other medical professional. If they’ve successfully completed their training, registered, and haven’t done anything really wrong, they’ll be covered. Simple.

Now, we haven’t touched yet on what it means for a medical professional to complete their training. You see, the MRHS has a different set of criteria for medical professionals than the current systems. Each medical professional will have to go through schooling and then follow up with continuing education, as they do now in many systems, but the content of that training will be different. Yes, they will be taught biology, etc. But first they will be taught to respect patients. They will consider a patient’s experience and intuition. They will learn not to dismiss a patient’s reported symptoms simply because they are unlikely or unusual. They will spend time overnight in hospitals, being treated as if they are ill, being taken care of and woken up for tests, etc. They will experience waiting rooms. They will go to offices and sit in waiting rooms, then report their symptoms to a strange person and see what they say. Nothing can replicate the pain, fear, and uncertainty that many patients face, but it’s a start.

They will focus not only on curing illness, but on maintaining health.

They will be trained to treat all patients equally, eliminating all racism, sexism, homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, anti-semitism, islamophobia…. and all other prejudices. They will be taught how to truly listen to patients. Medical professionals across specialties will team up when necessary. A rheumatologist, neurologist, and naturopath might all consult with one another about a particular patient or about a series of patients who seem to cross their specialties. Medical professionals will never lie to patients, even if they think it is in the patient’s “best interest.” They will offer patients all potential testing and treatment options and will guide but never decide for the patient. They will take their time with each patient and be sure the patient fully understands everything and that all questions are answered.

In short, they will learn to put the patient and the patient’s health first.

In the MRHS system, pharmaceutical companies will have no direct contact with medical professionals. Instead, a web site will be regularly updated. It will list every medication. New medications will be marked as new. It will include study results, including effectiveness and side effects. It will include comments by prescribers. When prescribers have questions about a medication, they will post their question to a message board on the site. Other prescribers will answer. Pharma reps can also answer, but their screen names will show they are pharma reps. There will be no more “conferences” for specific medications paid for by the pharma companies. Instead, medications will only be discussed at medical conferences. Pharma companies won’t attend these conferences. Prescribers will present on medications just like they present on medical equipment and other treatments, studies, observations of patients, etc. They will not be paid for this in cash, meals, or any other compensation.

I know this doesn’t cover everything, but isn’t it a fantastic beginning? I would love to be a patient in this system!

I realize that at some point my perspective changed. I started this article by writing about what “would” happen, and at some point “would” changed to “will.” Normally I would go back and change that so that it’s consistent, but I like it the way it is. Right now MRHS is a dream, but I’d like us all to start thinking about it as a potential reality. If we don’t dream big, it will never happen. I’d rather dream big.

Ok, your turn: what would you change about MRHS? What did I miss? Please add your thoughts in the comments! Let’s see just how great we can make this!

And on a side note, thanks so much for sticking with me. I can’t believe this is my 500th post! How did that happen?


Why do you judge how I use my food stamps? An open letter to “news” writers

October 29, 2014

Dear Judgmental “News Writer,”

Since I’m too sick to work, my financial situation isn’t so great. So I applied for SNAP, formerly called food stamps. A couple weeks ago I got the letter stating I’d received the benefit. I went to the grocery store and, lo and behold, food stamps covered everything I bought, just like they’re supposed to!

But apparently, this is evil and will destroy our society. Or at least, that’s what you seem to think.

As I mentioned a couple weeks ago, I wasn’t sure what I could buy with food stamps. Toilet paper? Toothpaste? Vitamins? No, no, and no, as it turns out. The SNAP web site answered some of my questions, but not all of them. So I turned to Google and typed in a few search terms. What I found was horrifying.

10-29-2014 10-58-16 AM

This screenshot is from the first page of search results. The first few items were all government web sites. The last one here is a very useful post by a blogger. And the three in between from “news” sources? Oy! I clicked on “11 Things You Didn’t Know You Could Buy With Food Stamps” thinking, oh-so-foolishly, that I’d find some helpful tips. Instead, what I found was an insulting, arrogant, judgmental article about the horrible things people like me buy with food stamps. “5 Surprising Things You Can Buy With Food Stamps” was more of the same. So were several other articles I clicked on. Apparently, it’s everyone else’s business what I buy and what I eat.

I want to pause for a moment to note that “10 Things You Can’t Buy With Food Stamps” is wonderful. It points out that, yes, SNAP benefits are meant for food, but things like toilet paper and toothpaste are necessities that aren’t covered. Take a look when you’re done reading this.

Now, I know that people feel they have a right to say what “their” tax dollars are used for. But that’s not how society works. I don’t get to choose whether “my” tax dollars are used to pay for a war, local schools that I don’t use, or road maintenance that I don’t particularly care about (actually, I do care, but that’s another story.) The idea is that society supports society, and then everyone benefits. So yes, my tax dollars support local schools even though I don’t have children, and that’s ok because one day the children who are educated in those schools will be our police, scientists, doctors, and teachers. You see how that works? Again, we all support each other, and then everyone benefits.

Unless someone is on food stamps or getting social security or receiving some other “benefit,” at which point they’re demonized by society. By you.

Apparently writers like you feel justified in calling out someone who buys a bag of chips or a pastry with their food stamps. Oh the horror! They aren’t being healthy enough! And the “N” in SNAP stands for “Nutrition” so this can’t be allowed! You get that this is sarcasm, right?

So who defines what’s nutritious? Is that sugary cereal you feed your child nutritious? Do you know how much sugar is in a glass of milk? Is there too much salt in a frozen dinner? What about a freshly cooked rotisserie chicken? Oh wait, that chicken isn’t covered by food stamps. Ok, well what about that carton of ice cream you like to dig into after dinner on a hot summer night? Oh, it’s ok when you eat junk food because you pay for it with your hard-earned money, but I can’t eat it because I’m on food stamps? Really? What if you’re a government employee and my taxes pay your salary? Then do I get a say?

And again, who decides which foods are nutritious? Maybe you have hypertension and need to stay off salt, so a mildly salted food is bad for you. But I have hypotension and multiple doctors have told me to increase my salt intake, so for me those foods are better. Then again, sugar is a problem for me, so I need to avoid that, while a small amount of sugar might be ok for you. They say red wine has health benefits, but it’s not covered by food stamps. Maybe that should change. And dark chocolate is good for you so does that mean food stamps should cover chocolate bars? What about chocolate cake? Who draws that line? Should it be you, cocky “news writer”? A doctor? A medical board?

Or, I don’t know, maybe me, the person who is eating this food?

And by the way, what happens when, after years of gorging on unhealthy foods with your hard-earned money and righteous attitude, you get sick? Who will pay for your medical care? Who will support you if you can’t work? And how will you buy food if you can’t work? You better come up with a plan that doesn’t involve any government support or “benefits” because you’ve made it quite clear how you feel about those!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to have some homemade chicken with apricots, rice, and steamed green beans. Followed by a bag of Cheetos. Because I want them and it’s my choice, not yours.


Yay for food stamps! Well, sort of….

October 14, 2014

Me: “Great news! I got food stamps!”

*pause*

Me: “Isn’t that great?”

Her: “Um, sure?”

A few years ago I wouldn’t have been excited for food stamps. But things change. They change and we have to go with the flow, and the flow leads me to be thrilled about getting food stamps!

My family and friends are trying to be supportive, but they see this as a bad thing. Let’s face it, there’s a certain stigma that goes along with food stamp benefits. My mother immediately said, “You aren’t posting this on Facebook, are you? Because people can be funny about these things.” That was her nice way of saying, “People can be assholes about someone getting the benefits they need.” She didn’t want me to get attacked online. Many friends have been unsure how to react. Except for my friends in my chronic pain support group, that is. Many of them also have financial difficulties due to their health, so they appreciate how much of a difference this can make. But the others just don’t feel right saying “Congratulations!” for this.

Last month I wrote about missing out on thousands of dollars in benefits because I didn’t know to apply for them. I immediately signed up for Section 8 and am now on the very long (3-4 years) waiting list. I applied for fuel assistance and will find out about that in 2 more weeks. And I applied for SNAP, formerly called food stamps. I gathered papers just 2 days after my grandfather’s funeral because I had already applied and the paperwork deadline was fast approaching. I didn’t want to miss out. When I had looked into SNAP a couple years ago, when my finances first took a dive after I realized I wasn’t going to be able to return to my job, I wasn’t eligible. They had an asset limit of $2000. I had saved up more than that when I worked, so I wasn’t eligible.

Last month, when my friend told me about benefits, she mentioned SNAP. I figured it couldn’t hurt to look it up and, low and behold, they’d changed the requirements! My assets no longer counted against me! I could use those assets to pay my rent, and still apply for SNAP because of my low income. What a surprise! I wondered when that change occurred. Could I have applied a year ago? Two years ago? Wondering didn’t help, but applying would, so I filled out the application and went through the process. And then I waited.

After not leaving my apartment for a few days last week due to feeling like crap, I finally went downstairs and checked the mail. And there it was: a letter stating that I’d been approved and was now receiving benefits! I went to the grocery store the next day and used my new card – and it worked! I got a receipt that included my balance. It was all there.

I keep my grocery costs low, thankfully, and this will just about cover my monthly food bills. They back-dated the benefit to 30 days before my application, so I have that money too. I’ll use it to buy things like toilet paper and toothpaste, if those are allowed.

Can I afford all of my expenses now? No. Not even close. I’m still using my savings to pay for quite a bit. But every dollar helps. And I’m incredible thankful for these dollars. So as much as I wish I didn’t need SNAP/food stamps, as much as I wish I didn’t come close to the eligibility requirements, the truth is that I do need it, so I’m thrilled that I have it!

Do you get benefits? How do you feel about it? How to people react when/if you tell them?

Update: Do as it turns out, I can’t use my benefits for toilet paper and toothpaste. But I’m sure I’ll use them on groceries over time.


I lost thousands of dollars of financial assistance because I didn’t understand the system

August 30, 2014

I grew up in a middle class family and lived a middle class lifestyle after I left my parents’ home. I earned a decent enough living. There was a lot I couldn’t afford, but I never worried about paying rent or buying food.

Then I got sicker.

It’s been a roller coaster since I left my job almost 3 years ago. I had short term disability benefits, then nothing, then long term disability benefits, then nothing, then social security disability benefits. During the long periods of “nothing” I knew there was the possibility of getting long term disability benefits and/or social security disability benefits (SSDI.) I didn’t know what I’d end up with, so I didn’t know how to plan. And besides, I kept hoping that I’d return to work soon.

Now I have SSDI and no thoughts of returning to full time work very soon. I hope to do some part time work to supplement SSDI, but even that has to wait until I feel a bit healthier. And I just can’t live on my current benefit and keep my current lifestyle. After paying for food, transportation, utilities, and, especially, medical expenses, I have about $100 per month left for rent. Obviously, that won’t work. Even if I got roommates. So what are my options?

  • I could move in with my parents. They’d take me in. I’d have to move an hour away from all of my friends and doctors and be a 30-something living with my parents, but it’s an option.
  • I could buy a condo. I still have savings from back when I worked. Unfortunately, I’m spending them on rent now. Instead, I could buy a condo. But then I’d have HOA fees ($200-300/month) and upkeep, and I don’t have the budget for that.
  • I could buy a house. But then I’d have a mortgage and upkeep. No good.
  • I could buy a 3-family house. I could live in one apartment and rent out the other two and use the rental income to pay the mortgage and upkeep costs. This has some appeal. I’ve looked into it. But 3-family homes are really expensive around here, and even if I felt comfortable taking on such a big mortgage, I wouldn’t qualify for it. And I’m not ready to move out of the Boston area.
  • I could push myself to go back to work before I’m ready. But obviously that has disaster written all over it.
  • I could just keep on spending my savings and hope I’m well enough to return to work before they run out.

I’ve been sort of stressing about this. I feel like there should be another option. And then talking to a fellow disabled friend yesterday, I found it: financial assistance! When I left my job two years ago I looked into my options for help, but I was stuck trying to interpret things online myself. I didn’t know who to ask for help. I checked around with friends, but it wasn’t helpful. And since I didn’t know what my financial position would be going forward, I gave up. Bad move.

On Tuesday, as soon as the long weekend is over, I’m going to visit my local house authority and sign up for section 8 housing. The waiting list is long, and I’m pissed as hell that I didn’t sign up 2 years ago. I could have already been on the waiting list for 2 years! Since the wait is longer than that, I should have done it. But I didn’t realize. I thought that if I got long term disability benefits, I’d get kicked off the list. And I didn’t want to have to live in section 8 housing. As it turns out, those LTD benefits would have still had be below the income limit. Who knew? And many section 8 vouchers allow you to live in any housing, as long as it meets certain requirements (generally that it’s around the median rental rate for your area, and not some huge luxury unit, and that it’s well maintained and habitable.)

And then my friend told me more: I qualify for fuel assistance! Having heat isn’t optional in Boston. Without it, pipes freeze and burst. Even more, you can freeze to death. You must have heat. And apparently I can get help paying for it, even though it’s included in the cost of my rent! She also said she gets help paying her electric bill – that had never occurred to me! Best of all, she told me where to go to find out more about these resources.

Since it was a Friday evening, I couldn’t call any of the offices, so I went online. Now that I knew where to look and what to look for, there was so much information! She got the information from her local housing authority, so I found their web site, then the site for my town’s housing authority, and I just followed the links from there. I still need to talk to someone to get questions answered, but boy do I feel better. If only I’d done all of this two years ago, though! I’m kicking myself that I didn’t.

I’m including below some of the useful links I’ve found so far. Clicking these links will open up new windows. As I find more, I’ll add them later. These are for Massachusetts. If you’re in the U.S., maybe these will help you find similar resources in your own state.

I’ve already missed out on thousands of dollars of financial assistance by not signing up for all of this two years earlier. What about you? If there’s financial assistance you could be getting, don’t make my mistake! Sign up now! And please help me make further mistakes by telling me what else I should be doing!

What other financial assistance should I be looking for? I welcome any and all advice!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Section 8 centralized waiting list: https://secure.massnahro.org/Section8LHA_Internet/WebPages/Registration/Home.aspx

Types of rental assistance: http://www.mass.gov/hed/housing/rental-assistance/

Fuel assistance agencies: http://www.mass.gov/eohhs/docs/dta/c-dta-fuelassist.pdf

Fuel assistance overview: http://www.massresources.org/liheap.html

Section 8 explanation: http://www.masslegalhelp.org/housing/types-vouchers

SNAP food assistance: http://www.mass.gov/eohhs/gov/departments/dta/food-assistance.html


Sometimes health giveth, and sometimes health taketh away

July 26, 2014

My CPAP machine broke. It’s not the worst thing that has ever happened to me health-wise, not the worst by far, but it sucks.

For a long time, probably years, I had undiagnosed and untreated UARS. It’s a form of sleep apnea. And it sucks. Oh wait, did I say that already? Oops. Anyway, when I started using a CPAP machine several months ago, I noticed a difference very 2014-04-23 11.03.16quickly. Within a week I had more energy. Over time I found I was sleeping deeper and feeling better. I was even breathing better during the day!

That why I was so disappointed when my CPAP wasn’t working as well last month. I thought I needed a new mask (I probably did – they only last about 3 months.) Thanks to insurance issues, it took a while to get a new mask, but by then, the machine didn’t seem to be working well at all. The company that provides the CPAP said they’d reset the settings. Problem solved! Or so I thought. Basically, the damn thing seems to be broken.

The CPAP is under warranty, so I’ll get a new one on Monday. I have an appointment. But in the meantime, I’m a wreck. After the first few nights of poor sleep I was definitely more tired than usual, but I was still functioning fairly well. Then last night it hit me. I’m completely fatigued. It’s hard to breath. My throat hurts. Sitting up to read takes too much energy, and typing this is a Herculean effort. As soon as I hit publish, I’ll need to lay down. I feel like I’m coming down with the flu, but I know I’m not. I know I’m not because I used to feel this way when I slept especially badly in the pre-CPAP days.

Thankfully, I don’t have anything too big happening in the next few days. I had to cancel some plans today. Friends have graciously agreed to come to my apartment tonight so I don’t have to go out. I’d hate to miss out on tomorrow’s activities, but if I do, it’s not the worst thing. I just hope I’m well enough to drive to get the new machine on Monday!

And I’m thankful for my health insurance.

Let’s face it, health insurance in this country sucks. Today is a great reminder of how bad my health was before, and how bad it would be without the CPAP. Without insurance, I would never have been diagnosed with UARS, and I certainly wouldn’t be paying for the CPAP machine. Without insurance, my condition would just continue to deteriorate. I won’t even think about what would happen with all the rest of my health conditions. I’ve ranted about the politics around health insurance before (just check out the politics category if you’re interested) so I won’t do that right here, but for those of us fortunate enough to have at least some semblance of healthcare coverage, let’s remember how lucky we are. Let’s hope we remain so fortunate. And let’s pressure our politicians to make sure others can receive care as well. Because no one should feel so horrible when there’s a perfectly good treatment available.


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