What’s beyond fatigue?

September 12, 2014

Regular readers might have noticed that I haven’t been around much the last few weeks. It’s pretty obvious from the “Posts by Date” in the column to the right, anyway.9-12-2014 4-32-39 PM

Sometimes I miss writing because I’m busy doing fun things. Sometimes it’s because I don’t have anything in particular that I want to write about. But far too often, it’s because I just don’t feel up to writing.

I’ve wanted to write several times this week. But those topics have to wait because I’m just too tired to do anything productive these days. Now it’s 4:38pm and I just shut off the tv after watching for several hours. I feel well enough to sit at my desk and type these words. But I don’t know how long it will last.

And I struggle to explain this to friends who don’t have chronic illnesses because I don’t know how to describe it. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: we don’t have the vocabulary we need to describe these feelings. Sometimes I don’t know how to explain different kinds of pain or different kinds of nausea. This time I don’t know how to explain this feel of being so exhausted that just having a conversation with someone is tiring.

I canceled a date tonight. He was very sweet about it. He offered to bring takeout and a movie to my place so I wouldn’t have to do anything. But he doesn’t understand – we’ve only been out a few times, so I’d feel the need to talk to him, and talking would just take too much effort. How do you explain that to someone who’s never felt that kind of exhaustion? How do you explain the feeling that picking up a remote control is exhausting? How do you explain that reading takes too much energy, because even if someone else holds up the book, you just don’t have the energy left to think?

I felt this way in the past, but when things improved, I really hoped I’d never feel this way again. No such luck. Now, as I’ve felt the fatigue getting worse and worse over the the past few weeks, I’m left to wonder: what’s beyond this level of fatigue? What happens if I continue to feel worse? Somehow, I think I don’t want to know.

13 Comments | Expectations, Fatigue, Limitations, Rants, Relationships: Family & Friends & Dating & Sex | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

When I can’t trust my feelings

September 8, 2014

I’ve noticed a pattern, and I don’t like it.

It starts out when I’m in a lot of pain or extra tired or unusually weak or suffering from some other symptom in the extreme. Sometimes I’m upset or stressed out, sometimes I’m not emotional at all. After all, I’ve been dealing with these symptoms for a long time. Sometimes I’m fairly zen about it. Sometimes not. The pattern plays out either way.

The details vary, but something or other upsets me: a friend’s comment, a lover’s actions, a parent’s advice…. something. I respond by explaining why they upset me. I think I’m being reasonable. I always address issues head-on. Only instead of the usual productive conversation, they’re hurt. They’re upset. They can’t understand why I’m so sad/angry/hurt. Their reaction is just wrong! We talk. I feel bad and I don’t know why. I apologize. And eventually I have to admit that I’m not seeing things clearly.

This happened again today. It happened 2 days ago, also. It happened several months ago. It’s happened sporadically over the years. And I don’t know how to stop it. Because I don’t know that I’m not seeing things clearly until after I say something that someone else finds hurtful or offensive. I don’t realize it until it’s too late.

Until now, the people I care about have been very forgiving. They seem to understand that sometimes I’m just not myself. They know that whatever it is, it’s not intentional. They know that when I feel better, I return to myself. They know that even when I seem irrational, I care about them. But I wonder, will something happen some day when they won’t forgive me? Will it go too far?

This has happened twice in my current flare, so I know how to be extra careful. But what happens during the next flare? Or the one after that? Who will I hurt next? Who will I accuse of doing something terrible, when they were only trying to help me? I know it will happen, sooner or later. I just wish I knew how to stop it.

14 Comments | Expectations, Frustration, Isolation, Kindness, Limitations, Rants, Relationships: Family & Friends & Dating & Sex, Support, Symptoms | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

I lost thousands of dollars of financial assistance because I didn’t understand the system

August 30, 2014

I grew up in a middle class family and lived a middle class lifestyle after I left my parents’ home. I earned a decent enough living. There was a lot I couldn’t afford, but I never worried about paying rent or buying food.

Then I got sicker.

It’s been a roller coaster since I left my job almost 3 years ago. I had short term disability benefits, then nothing, then long term disability benefits, then nothing, then social security disability benefits. During the long periods of “nothing” I knew there was the possibility of getting long term disability benefits and/or social security disability benefits (SSDI.) I didn’t know what I’d end up with, so I didn’t know how to plan. And besides, I kept hoping that I’d return to work soon.

Now I have SSDI and no thoughts of returning to full time work very soon. I hope to do some part time work to supplement SSDI, but even that has to wait until I feel a bit healthier. And I just can’t live on my current benefit and keep my current lifestyle. After paying for food, transportation, utilities, and, especially, medical expenses, I have about $100 per month left for rent. Obviously, that won’t work. Even if I got roommates. So what are my options?

  • I could move in with my parents. They’d take me in. I’d have to move an hour away from all of my friends and doctors and be a 30-something living with my parents, but it’s an option.
  • I could buy a condo. I still have savings from back when I worked. Unfortunately, I’m spending them on rent now. Instead, I could buy a condo. But then I’d have HOA fees ($200-300/month) and upkeep, and I don’t have the budget for that.
  • I could buy a house. But then I’d have a mortgage and upkeep. No good.
  • I could buy a 3-family house. I could live in one apartment and rent out the other two and use the rental income to pay the mortgage and upkeep costs. This has some appeal. I’ve looked into it. But 3-family homes are really expensive around here, and even if I felt comfortable taking on such a big mortgage, I wouldn’t qualify for it. And I’m not ready to move out of the Boston area.
  • I could push myself to go back to work before I’m ready. But obviously that has disaster written all over it.
  • I could just keep on spending my savings and hope I’m well enough to return to work before they run out.

I’ve been sort of stressing about this. I feel like there should be another option. And then talking to a fellow disabled friend yesterday, I found it: financial assistance! When I left my job two years ago I looked into my options for help, but I was stuck trying to interpret things online myself. I didn’t know who to ask for help. I checked around with friends, but it wasn’t helpful. And since I didn’t know what my financial position would be going forward, I gave up. Bad move.

On Tuesday, as soon as the long weekend is over, I’m going to visit my local house authority and sign up for section 8 housing. The waiting list is long, and I’m pissed as hell that I didn’t sign up 2 years ago. I could have already been on the waiting list for 2 years! Since the wait is longer than that, I should have done it. But I didn’t realize. I thought that if I got long term disability benefits, I’d get kicked off the list. And I didn’t want to have to live in section 8 housing. As it turns out, those LTD benefits would have still had be below the income limit. Who knew? And many section 8 vouchers allow you to live in any housing, as long as it meets certain requirements (generally that it’s around the median rental rate for your area, and not some huge luxury unit, and that it’s well maintained and habitable.)

And then my friend told me more: I qualify for fuel assistance! Having heat isn’t optional in Boston. Without it, pipes freeze and burst. Even more, you can freeze to death. You must have heat. And apparently I can get help paying for it, even though it’s included in the cost of my rent! She also said she gets help paying her electric bill – that had never occurred to me! Best of all, she told me where to go to find out more about these resources.

Since it was a Friday evening, I couldn’t call any of the offices, so I went online. Now that I knew where to look and what to look for, there was so much information! She got the information from her local housing authority, so I found their web site, then the site for my town’s housing authority, and I just followed the links from there. I still need to talk to someone to get questions answered, but boy do I feel better. If only I’d done all of this two years ago, though! I’m kicking myself that I didn’t.

I’m including below some of the useful links I’ve found so far. Clicking these links will open up new windows. As I find more, I’ll add them later. These are for Massachusetts. If you’re in the U.S., maybe these will help you find similar resources in your own state.

I’ve already missed out on thousands of dollars of financial assistance by not signing up for all of this two years earlier. What about you? If there’s financial assistance you could be getting, don’t make my mistake! Sign up now! And please help me make further mistakes by telling me what else I should be doing!

What other financial assistance should I be looking for? I welcome any and all advice!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Section 8 centralized waiting list: https://secure.massnahro.org/Section8LHA_Internet/WebPages/Registration/Home.aspx

Types of rental assistance: http://www.mass.gov/hed/housing/rental-assistance/

Fuel assistance agencies: http://www.mass.gov/eohhs/docs/dta/c-dta-fuelassist.pdf

Fuel assistance overview: http://www.massresources.org/liheap.html

Section 8 explanation: http://www.masslegalhelp.org/housing/types-vouchers

SNAP food assistance: http://www.mass.gov/eohhs/gov/departments/dta/food-assistance.html

4 Comments | Educating, Expectations, Frustration, Isolation, Limitations, Politics, Rants, Support | Tagged: , , , | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

When healthcare talk is traumatizing

August 24, 2014

I’ve been noticing a disturbing trend and I’m not sure what to do about it. It’s been brewing for a while, but a couple of conversations recently made me realize how problematic it’s become.

Embed from Getty Images

First there was the conversation with a volunteer for one of the gubernatorial candidates. We were in a social situation, but when I asked about her volunteer work, the conversation turned to that. She started talking about his plan to make our state a single-payer healthcare system. I wanted to calmly explain why I didn’t think this would work. I remained mostly (but not entirely) calm on the outside, but on the inside I was boiling, thinking about the many injustices I have faced within the system and how the government certainly didn’t make it any better.

The second conversation was a few hours ago. A half dozen of us were hanging out after lunch, chatting. Then one woman asked us if we’d ever faced discrimination in healthcare due to our sexual orientation (we’re all bisexual.) This isn’t something I’ve experienced, so it was safe territory, right? But just hearing people talk about their experiences was very upsetting to me. It made me think about all of the similar experiences I’d faced that weren’t discriminatory, but were hurtful nonetheless. It made me want to share my own stories that were about healthcare, but that had nothing to do with biphobia. As they talked, I remembered incidents that I’d forgotten about. I thought about recent incidents that were still fresh.

And I got upset.

Again, I stayed mostly (but not entirely) calm on the outside, but inside I was simmering, ready to explode like a volcano. I wanted to yell, to cry, to ask for understanding, to plead for someone to help.

That’s not normal. It’s not healthy. I know it. But I don’t know what to do about it. I saw the warning signs of this many months ago and I starting looking for a therapist who had experience with chronic illness issues. But then I started having health insurance uncertainties, so I decided to hold off until they were settled. Well, they’re finally settled, but now I have a different problem. For personal reasons, I don’t want to see a therapist at one of the major hospitals. I would only see a private practice therapist. And private practice therapists generally don’t take medicare and medicaid for health insurance. And I can’t afford to pay out of pocket for someone.

The truth is, I probably should have been seeing a therapist before now anyway, but I’ve always managed to handle these things on my own. I tried therapy a few times and never got anything out of it. I’m pretty self aware, so I made do. But this is different. I don’t know how to handle the anger, frustration, fear, and desperation I feel whenever anyone talks about doctors, healthcare, or health insurance. Feeling these emotions about my own situation is bad enough, but I shouldn’t be feeling them whenever the topic is broached in a way that has nothing to do with me. I should be able to talk to a friend about their own medical condition without this kind of trigger response.

I just wish I knew how to make that happen.

What about you? Have you felt this way at all? Do you have trouble talking about other people’s medical issues? Do you know of any ways to get inexpensive mental health care in the U.S. or, even better, in Massachusetts? Please comment below and let me know about your experiences.

6 Comments | Frustration, Healthcare, Isolation, Limitations, Medication, Rants, Symptoms | Tagged: , , , | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

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