Why do we let our illness props embarrass us?

November 10, 2013

The other day I was talking to someone who often carries a pillow with her. Due to a back problem, she needs the pillow for sitting in certain kinds of chairs. She said she’s embarrassed to be seen carrying it around. I was surprised. Another day I Handicapped Parkingwas talking with a friend who’s embarrassed to park in handicapped spaces. She knows she needs them, but she looks healthy, so she worries about what other people will think. I tried to encourage her to get the pass, but she refused. These are two stories, but there are so many others. I hear these kinds of things all the time.

ENOUGH!

I’d like to say that I never let those things embarrass me, but it wouldn’t be true. I’ve come a long way, though! Occasionally I worry about what other people think, but then I remember that my health is more important that what strangers think of me. And besides, who are they to judge?

It helps to remember, I’m not the one who should be embarrassed! And neither are you!

If I need to ask for a seat on the train, why I should I be embarrassed? The people who should be embarrassed are the ones who don’t immediately offer up their seats. The people who should be embarrassed are the ones who don’t get up for the pregnant lady with 2 kids and groceries who steps on the train. The people who should be embarrassed are the ones who listen to music so loudly that it bothers other passengers.

When I park in a handicapped space I am very aware that I do not look like I have any disability. But why should I be embarrassed? The people who should be embarrassed are the ones who judge me without knowing me. The people who should be embarrassed are the ones who “borrow” a relative’s pass even though they themselves don’t need it. The people who should be embarrassed are the ones who park horizontally, taking up 3 spaces in the lot just so their car won’t get dinged by someone else’s door.

Sometimes I need a wheelchair when I’m in a place that involves a lot of walking. Sometimes it gets in other people’s way. But why should I be embarrassed? The people who should be embarrassed are the ones who get annoyed at me and say rude things. The people who should be embarrassed are the ones who don’t take 2 seconds from their day to open a door for me. The people who should be embarrassed are the ones who are so preoccupied with whatever they’re reading on their smartphones that they bump into other people.

Needing some sort of help for the sake of our own health and well-being is absolutely, positively, without doubt, in no way any reason at all for embarrassment. Rude, inconsiderate behavior is. So be a good, nice, helpful person for others and you’ll have no reason to be embarrassed. And if someone says something anyway? Do what I do: simply, calmly, and matter-of-factly tell them why they’re wrong. Then walk (literally or figuratively) away with your head held high.

10 Comments | Decisions, Educating, Expectations, Frustration, Isolation, Kindness, Limitations, Parking, Symptoms | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Please don’t suggest shortcuts unless you’re going to help pay for them

October 16, 2013

People like to offer advice. They want to help. I get that. I want to help others, too. But when the advice involves money I don’t have, and I point that out, arguing the point really doesn’t help.

Example 1: “Why don’t you order groceries to be delivered?”

This is suggested to me a lot. Yes, that would be great. It would save me time and energy and effort and the pain of walking and driving and reaching and carrying. Perfect solution. But it’s expensive. Only the more expensive grocery stores offer this service, and then they charge extra for this service. I just can’t afford it. I point this out to people and too often they try to argue that it would be worth it anyway. They don’t seem to understand that I am living off of disability payments that don’t cover all of my expenses as it is, and that might be cut off any time the insurer feels like it (well, that’s essentially the case.) So yes, grocery delivery would be incredibly helpful, but that doesn’t mean that it’s an option for me. I wish I was. I really do. But it’s just not.

Example 2: “Why don’t you use a laundry service?”

Wow, that sounds nice. Someone else would wash all my clothes and linens. I’d just have to prepare them and put them away. I’d love that! No more lugging everything down the hall, into the elevator, to the basement, and into the machines, then returning later to put everything in the dryer, then returning again even later to lug it all back up to my apartment. I would even have to fold clothes. It sounds heavenly! But I balk at the laundry prices I’m already paying: $2.50 to wash each load and $2.50 to dry each load, which is why I let some clothes dry on racks in my living room now instead of paying for the dryer. If I have trouble paying those prices, how am I supposed to pay even more to have someone else do my laundry? People try to argue that it’s not that much more to pay someone else, and it will save me money on detergent, etc. Um, I don’t pay that much for detergent (just how much do you use?) Besides, if the current cost is too much, a higher amount isn’t magically ok. It just doesn’t work like that.

Example 3: “Why don’t you order in for dinner?”

Oh, don’t get me started. It is so much more expensive to buy a restaurant meal than to cook at home. Yes, it would do wonders for saving energy and reducing pain on the days I need it most, but that doesn’t mean I can afford it! Plus, it’s just not healthy – I can’t be sure what’s in those foods, and my health is the most important thing. I have a list of easy meals to make from ingredients I always have on hand and I grow the list whenever I can. Failing that, when I feel well enough I often cook in large quantities and freeze the extras, so I can always pull something out of the freezer. People try to argue that it’s worth it to order in. Maybe it is to them. Sure, you with a job and a steady income might eat out sometimes. Good for you. But you can’t assume we can all do it. There are financial limitations, and this is one of mine.

There are so many more examples like this. I know people mean well. They really do. And I don’t mind the suggestions. But when I say I can’t afford it, that means I can’t afford it. Trying to suggest it’s “worth it” just doesn’t work. So my new response will be that if they think it’s that important, they should be offering to cover the cost for me. If they won’t do that, then the conversation is over. Kaput. Finished. I live in the real world, and in the real world I’d rather pay for medical care than for grocery delivery. Yes, that is a choice I must make. It’s a personal choice. And I’m certain I’m making the right one for me.

6 Comments | Decisions, Educating, Frustration, Kindness, Limitations, Rants, Support, Thoughtfulness | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

The little things really DO make a BIG difference

June 29, 2013

It’s amazing how a small thing change make a huge difference. I was just getting mentally ready to go to a friend’s house. Pills in purse? Yes. Food? Need to bring some. Clothing? Better make sure it’s all loose today. Cooling towel? Cool enough to work for the car ride. The routine is familiar, but annoying.

And then I got a text from my friend: “What room temperature is best for you?”

WOW! We hadn’t discussed that. I knew he had a/c, and I’d mentioned that I’d need him to turn it on, but that was it. But he remembered how sensitive I am to heat. He knows that often I don’t meet up with him for lunch because I can’t stand the humidity. I know he and his wife don’t love the heat, but unlike me they can certainly deal with it. And he thought to ask what temperature I want his a/c set to. He’s going to change the temperature of their apartment for me.

Now that’s a thoughtful friend!

2 Comments | Expectations, Kindness, Limitations, Raves, Support, Symptoms, Thoughtfulness | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

A true friend understands

June 17, 2013

As I’ve said many times before, my sister and I don’t get along. Yesterday was another good example of why I don’t like to be around her.

My mother made a big dinner for Father’s Day. After dinner, I was sitting in the kitchen talking to my mom while she put food away. My sister was washing dishes, and suddenly asked me to help dry. Now, while we’d been sitting around earlier, I had made several long trips to the bathroom. I was pale. My mother commented later about how bad I looked. My eyes were puffy and half closed. While the rest of the family had talked animatedly in the living room before dinner, I had been laying there half asleep, barely saying a word. So it was pretty obvious I wasn’t feeling well. And yet she was asking me to dry dishes. I didn’t want to start a fight, so I just stood up and dried a couple of dishes. I did it slowly, careful not to drop anything, careful not to fall when I turned to put each one down. And after a few, so there just a little space in the dish rack, we all went into the dining room for dessert. I figured it was good enough. It was more than I should have done.

After dessert I didn’t even bother going to the kitchen. My dad and I sat at the table chatting – I figured he shouldn’t be abandoned while my brother-in-law was taking their dog outside for a potty break. My mother and sister were cleaning up in the kitchen. I heard my mother thank my sister for her help as my sister walked into the dining room, where I sat with my dad. My sister responded, “Well I couldn’t let you do it all by yourself.” Then she turned and looked right at me. I would have given her the finger, but again, I didn’t want to start a fight in front of my parents.

Now let’s compare that to the day before. A friend was visiting from out of town. I wanted to see her and her three kids, but I didn’t feel up to going to her parents’ house where she was staying, 1/2 hour away from me. So she agreed to make the drive up to my neighborhood. There’s a great playground within walking distance of my place but I didn’t feel up to walking, so she drove to pick me up. She understood that I couldn’t help much with the kids, and didn’t mind that I sat on a bench in the shade while she chased them. She was just happy for our time together. She even gave me a birthday gift. I pointed out that I didn’t expect anything – after all, I hadn’t given her anything this year. I can’t afford it thanks to the insurance bullshit. She said that even though I couldn’t afford to give gifts, it was still my birthday and she wanted to give me something. And you know what she gave me? A big gift bag full of gluten-free goodies! She gave me several kinds of pasta, flour, cake mix, pancake mix, pretzels, and cookies – all gluten-free! She knows how hard it is for me to find some of these things, and she gave me exactly what she knew I’d want and enjoy. And as she gave it to me, she offered to exchange anything I couldn’t eat, since she wasn’t sure exactly what my other food restrictions were. Talk about someone who understands!

Sure, my sister can be a bitch. Sure, she didn’t wish me a happy birthday. But I’m choosing instead to focus on the excellent people in my life who are wonderful, understanding, and supportive. Most of us have lost people due to our illnesses, but some of us have been lucky enough to find true friends will always be there for us.

As a side note, I want to remind myself and you that we contribute to these friendships too. Maybe I can’t babysit for my friends or cook for them when they’re ill. They offer to get me groceries and pick up prescriptions. But I lend an ear and am very supportive. I have helped them prepare for job interviews, research insurance for a kid’s illness, and just listened to them complain about jobs and families. Our illnesses don’t prevent us from being good friends. Some people don’t get that, so it’s up to us to focus on the ones who do.

6 Comments | Expectations, Isolation, Kindness, Raves, Relationships: Family & Friends & Dating & Sex, Support, Thoughtfulness | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

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