Thinking about how to think

December 13, 2011

Do you think?  Do you use your brain?

I used to believe that if I didn’t have a job, my brain would atrophy, that it would grow weaker and weaker and turn to mush.  Then when I quit my job a few years ago, I found out that I was wrong.  I wasn’t using my brain in the same way, but I was still using it.  I was volunteering and reading and having deep conversations with friends and acquaintances.

This time it’s different.  This time I feel lousy.  I watch a lot of tv.  I read less.  I talk to people less because I don’t feel up to it.  I can’t volunteer.  And to be honest, a lot of the time I just don’t want to think.  It feels like too much effort.

But then over the last few days I’ve really used my brain and it feels GREAT!  First, I read a book (well, listened to the audiobook) about the dumbing down of American women.  Men are being dumbed down too, I’m sure, but this book focuses on women.  The author made a lot of great points and really got me to think about things.  It was wonderful.

Then today I helped a friend with some basic accounting.  He started a small business and didn’t know how best to keep track of his income or expenses.  Since I’d done some accounting before, I volunteered to help.  Last week got organized and I showed him the basics.  He entered all of the data into his system, and today I showed him how to do the rest.  It was so wonderful to be using that part of my brain again!  I hadn’t thought about anything accounting-related in years (unless you count my own finances, which are sadly very simple.)  Every now and then we came across an issue that I wasn’t sure how to handle, so I had to think, to reason it out, and to come up with a solution that was easy for my friend to continue in the future, made good accounting sense, and of course was straightforward and legal.  It felt so good!

I’m still going to watch way too much tv as I sit on the couch feeling weak, but I know that I also need to find more time to really think  about difficult situations, to reason things out.  I’ll have to start doing crossword puzzles or sudoku or something.  It really doesn’t matter what I do, but I have to use my brain.  I’ve only been out of work for a couple of months, but I can already feel the decline.  I hope we can all find things that work for us, things that make us think!

 

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2 Comments | Expectations, Isolation, Job, Limitations, Raves, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Well hello bitchiness

December 11, 2011

This recent fatigue is really pissing me off.  Of course, I’ve been depressed too – who wouldn’t be after spending most of every day indoors?  So I’m angry and depressed.  Lovely.

Now, I won’t say that I was a cheerful person before the illnesses because (1) I was 12 before the CIs and (2) I wasn’t always pleasant to be around.  Still, I eventually got past my teenage mood swings, my depression, my hormonal imbalances, my angry outbursts, and whatever else, and I became a fairly happy person.  Sure, I got pissed off and upset, but only when there was a good reason to.  Then I’d address the issue and move on, returning to my usual cheerful state.  I didn’t even get PMS.  People (ranging from my mother to a gas station attendant who I saw often) told me that I was pleasant to be around and that I brightened their day.  I was happy.

Now I feel like a hormonal teenager again, but without the hormones.  I’m pissed off at people when it’s not their fault.  I’m hoping that
someone will ask how I’m feeling so that I can yell at them about how inappropriate it is to ask.  I’m aching to pick a fight with someone, anyone (but hopefully not with someone big and mean.)  I can hear myself being bitchy, and I know it isn’t right, but I just don’t care enough to actually try and stop myself.

I have no doubt that one day I will be happy and cheerful again.  I’m sure I’ll be pleasant to be around.  People will enjoy seeing my smiling face.  But until then, watch out.  You may want to steer clear.  Because I’m pissed at the way my life is going and I’m ready to take it out on someone.  It won’t help, but then, nothing will.

 

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4 Comments | Expectations, Frustration, Isolation, Limitations, Pain, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Obeying fatigue

December 9, 2011

I should be checking my cleavage in the mirror right now.  I should be putting on some lipstick.  A party is just getting started at this very moment in a house in Boston.  I don’t know most of the people there, but I know there will be a lot of cute single queer women.  But I won’t be one of them.  Nope, not me.

I don’t know what’s been going on these past few weeks.  I’ve been fatigued  in a way I’ve never been before.  I had blood drawn today so my doctor can check for anemia and whatnot.  And in the meantime, I’m staying home, canceling plans, missing out.  I even had to miss a support group meeting today!  Oh, the irony.

It sucks.  Keeping up with friends is hard when you have health problems.  Dating is hard when you have health problems.  But meeting someone to date when I can hardly leave the house?  Impossible.

So this is my grumpy post for today.  I’m pissed off, but not as much as I should be, because I don’t have the energy for that much emotion.  Instead, I’ll go watch a movie, eat some popcorn, and pretend this is my choice.  Yeah, right.

 

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Leave a Comment » | Expectations, Frustration, Isolation, Limitations, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
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STD and SSDI: Who designs these things?

December 7, 2011

I visited a friend yesterday who was recovering from surgery.  He had built up a lot of sick time at work over the years, since he is generally healthy, so he will use sick days to cover his month out of work.  He has an understanding boss, who knows that he may need to take off extra time.  His health insurance covered the majority of the costs of the surgery.

He asked me how I’m doing, and how I’m managing to be out of work.  He meant financially.  My friend is smart and well-educated, but he got a new kind of education from me yesterday.

First, we discussed how my short term disability (STD) works.  I’m lucky to have an especially good plan.  We talked about how poorly my boss handled my exit, which makes me wonder if my reentry will be difficult.  We talked about how I want to return to work part time because I’m worried that returning full time will lead to a quick relapse.  Unfortunately, it is up to my boss whether or not I can return part time.  If she allows it, then I will return to work a few days a week, and STD will cover part of my salary for the days I don’t work.  Of course, at some point STD will run out, at which point I’ll just earn a whole lot less.  I should be able to cover all of my bills, but I won’t be able to put any money into savings.  Of course, I need to put money into savings more than ever, as I’ve realized that my body will force “retirement” on me much earlier than I’ll be able to afford.

Then we talked about social security (SSDI.)  We discussed how I may not even be eligible for it.  If I am eligible, then the application process is long and arduous.  Most people are denied and then need to appeal.  If I were to get approved, it could take two years.  For those two years I wouldn’t be working, so I’d be draining my savings account.  The amount I would get would be just a bit less than what my rent is now.  It wouldn’t be enough for electricity, gas, or groceries.

Now, let’s say I did get SSDI.  I have a fluctuating illness.  I have weeks and months and years where I feel better, then I feel worse.  When I feel better I could work.  But I’d lose SSDI and if I needed it again, I’d have to start applying all over again.  That’s why many people are on SSDI even though they are well enough to work.  They know that getting off SSDI now would be devastating if they ever needed it again.  So they stay on it even though they are well enough to work.

My friend just shook his head in sadness, thinking of the many, many people caught up in this horrible system.  And I’m one of the lucky ones: I have STD, I have family to fall back on, I have good health insurance, and I have a little money in my savings account.  I could be so much worse off.  But I am wondering how to pay for the acupuncture treatments that I just started today.  My health insurance doesn’t cover those.

When when I consider all of this, the insurances and the government “help” and all the rest, I just have one question:

WHO ACTUALLY THINKS THIS IS A GOOD SYSTEM?

I don’t know who it is, but I’d be willing to bet that they don’t need to use the system themselves.  If they did, they’d be working to change it.

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Leave a Comment » | Educating, Expectations, Frustration, Isolation, Limitations, Medication, Politics, Rants | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

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