Why am I having flashbacks?

April 11, 2017

Something happened the other day that scared me, and it finally occurred to me that I should talk to you guys about it!

I’m keeping this short and to the point.

For several years now, from time to time something will trigger me to very strongly remember a medical experience. The memories are strong, but they’re just memories.

Then the other day, it wasn’t just a memory. It’s what I’m guessing is called a flashback. I wasn’t confused. I knew I wasn’t in the doctor’s office. I felt like I was there. I could see the nurse standing over me. I could feel my arm outstretched as she looked for a vein (while in real life it wasn’t stretched out at all.) And I got all of the same symptoms I’d had at that time – the dizziness and jumpy vision among others, all while I knew it wasn’t real, it was a memory or something. Each flash was short, but then it would come back (the trigger remained for a while.) As soon as the trigger was gone, I felt fine. Shaky and confused, of course, but fine.

Afterwards, I figured out what triggered this. But WHY was it a flashback?

For years I have assured people I don’t have PTSD. I’ve read the descriptions many times and I don’t have it. But maybe I have something else?

I don’t have a therapist and I won’t have one any time soon. After all, this only happened once. And therapists are expensive. And my past therapy experiences weren’t good, so it’s not like I’m feeling like one will help me.

But the thing is, I want to know what’s going on. A label might help, because then I can look into ways to prevent it, or at least ways to handle it if it happens again. Coping mechanisms.

Has this happened to you? If so, what caused it? What do you do about it? Please let me know, so maybe we can learn from each other!

2 Comments | Expectations, Frustration, Isolation, Limitations, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Getting ready to date

March 20, 2017

I’ve been super busy. Well, super busy for me, anyway. I have fewer “good” hours in a day than a healthy person, and they get filled up way too easily.

Which makes me wonder how I’ll manage to go on any dates.

I have written about dating on here many times. It’s not my favorite thing. I want a relationship, but I don’t want to date. First dates are difficult, tiring, time consuming. They’re full of small talk and uneasy silences at worst, and uncertainty at best.

I used to date a lot, but for the past 2 years I barely have. There are a lot of reasons for this, mostly having to do with bad breakups, a lack of energy, and different priorities. If I’m going to spend my  energy going out with people, I’d rather go out with friends. After all, I don’t see my friends enough anyway.

The thing is, that leaves me single and alone. I don’t mind being single and alone overall, actually. It’s really very nice in a lot of ways. But sometimes I want a companion. I want a best friend. I want sex.

So I’m trying to get back out there. Last month I went to a singles’ event and met two very nice people. The first was funny and interesting and smart… and self-centered. He never asked a single question about me. I knew all about his hobbies, his job, where he went to school. He doesn’t know any of that about me.

The next was cut and sweet and kind and lovely and said she’d like to be friends. Ouch.

So now what? I have two choices. I can sign up for OK Cupid or another site, which I really don’t want to do. I’m not a fan for a whole lot of reasons. Or I can try to meet someone in person, which hasn’t exactly gone well for me (see above: almost no dates for 2 years – and I wasn’t turning anyone down.)

I need to learn to flirt. At some point I stopped flirting, and it’s like I forgot how. I need to dress better – not easy when the clothing budget is $0. I need to make an effort.

An effort.

As if I don’t already make an effort every minute of every day. As if simply getting dressed and putting on minimal makeup and driving to meet someone and holding up my end of a conversation isn’t effort enough. As if dealing with my health isn’t effort enough.

But if I want to date, what choice do I have?

So I’m going to try. I’m going to dive back into the world of trying to flirt on a first date while also debating whether or not to hint at my health issues. I’m going to skip out on things during the day so I can have a simple coffee date in the evening. I’m going to go back into the world of suggesting alternatives to all of the dates that someone suggests which I know I can’t manage, without telling them why I’d rather sit in a coffee shop than enjoy an outdoor picnic. I’m going to go back to avoiding kisses on the first date because I haven’t yet told my date that the gluten they ate will make me sick if our lips connect.

And I’m going back into the world of constant rejection. Because apparently it’s not enough that my body rejects me, now I’m courting it from others. Somewhere in the last 10 years, between my late 20s and my late 30s, I stopped turning heads. So I need to accept that passive rejection as well.

So please wish me luck, friends. Particularly when it comes to finding the energy and pain-free days to go on dates. And please offer me any tips you have. Especially on flirting. I need lots of help with flirting.

 

4 Comments | Expectations, Isolation, Limitations, Relationships: Family & Friends & Dating & Sex, Support | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Tapping into my extrovert side

February 6, 2017

img_20161223_091955I’m an introvert. If I’d known that about myself and understood it, my teens and 20s would have been a lot easier, that’s for sure! It turns out, it’s ok to want to stay in and read a book on a Saturday night. Go figure.

I also happen to be a social introvert. I love being with people. I even feel like I need to be around people from time to time. And on the days I’m feeling more extroverted, I’m good at it. I can have pleasant conversations with good friends and with total strangers alike. As long as I get plenty of breaks for alone time so I can recharge.

The thing is, when you’ve got a chronic illness that creates so much fatigue you can’t work and can’t always leave the house, and so much pain that sometimes getting to the bathroom takes everything you’ve got, social time can be hard to come by. Friends sometimes come over, but not so much these days. As my friends have begun to have kids, visiting has become difficult or impossible. I understand and I don’t blame them. But it still sucks.

Six weeks ago I moved. I can’t believe it’s already been 6 weeks! I knew moving would mean that some friends would visit less often, since I’m not on public transportation anymore. Still, it’s not like I had that many visitors anyway. It was worth the trade-off, I figured. Little did I know!

This is the first time since college that I’ve lived in an apartment complex, but I’ve never lived in a complex like this. People are so nice and friendly!

First there was the complex-wide holiday party. It was less than a week before I moved in, and I should have been home packing boxes, but I knew it was important to meet people. So I got slightly dressed up, drove all the way out, and put on my extrovert costume. I met several people, including a few who lived in my building, and traded phone numbers with a couple of them.

After the move I made a point of talking to neighbors. I introduced myself to everyone I met. I knocked on doors in my hallway. I chatted with the woman clearing snow off the car next to mine, and the random person passing walking past me on the sidewalk. I smiled and was nice and friendly.

And it’s paying off. A neighbor and I have been taking walks in the evenings when she gets home from work. We have done this at least a half dozen times, and it’s really nice. Another neighbor invited me over for game night. That led me to meeting more neighbors. I hit it off with one right away, and we’ve now hung out a couple of times. Today I saw a neighbor I’d spoken to a few times walking by my patio door so I opened the door to say hi. She and her puppy (so cute!!) came in and I invited her to sit. We chatted for a bit as the puppy sniffed around and then returned to me for petting. As she left, I saw another neighbor who I knew, so I invited her and her pup in, and they hung out for a bit.

None of these are life-altering per se. But they matter. On a day when I wasn’t going to socialize, I socialized. It didn’t last long, but it happened.

I have spent many days being home alone and feeling lonely and sad. I know I will feel that way many more days. It sucks, but that’s my reality. A lot of the time I won’t want visitors. But on the days that I want to see people but don’t feel up to going anywhere, how amazing that I have neighbors right here who I can hang out with! It might not happen every day, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s always possible. In time, I will get to know more of them. Some will become friends and some won’t. Just having people to say hi to, though, makes a huge difference.

I knew this was a good move for me. This just makes it 10 times better.

2 Comments | Fatigue, Isolation, Limitations, Pain, Raves, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

I appreciate you

January 29, 2017

It’s easy to take the constants in our life for granted. We all do it, as much as we try not to, and that’s ok. From time to time, though, I’m struck by how lucky I am to have something, and I want to make a point of showing my appreciation.

You guys are one of those things I was taking for granted. When I started this site 5.5 years ago, one reason was to build up some community. I was thrilled when I received my first comment, and comments still excite me.

Some of you are regular commenters, and we’ve gotten to know each other a bit. I know the names of your pets (hi Sable!) or kids or spouses. I know your worries and happiness, just as you know mine. We haven’t met. Often we don’t know each others’ real names. Yet somehow we know each other. And for that I’m appreciative.

My posts last few posts were a bit negative. When I thought about writing something today, I thought I should write something more cheery so you guys wouldn’t worry about me. After all, it’s not like things are all bad.

It was such a nice thought, that there are people out there I’ve never met or spoken to who care. And I care about them.

There are negatives. There’s a rally today against Trump’s immigration ban that I wanted to attend but couldn’t. I was exposed to a stomach bug and am hoping I don’t get it. I’m in pain. On the other hand, my new business is starting to gain a bit of traction. I got to spend some time this weekend with people I love who I don’t get to see very often. My new home is lovely and comfortable and feels like the perfect fit for me.

But at the end of it all, what’s most important is people. My family, my friends, and my extended communities, like you guys, are what make life great.

So thanks for reading and for commenting. I’ll try to write something a bit less sappy next time. For now, though, I just want to say that I appreciate you.

4 Comments | Isolation, Limitations, Raves, Relationships: Family & Friends & Dating & Sex, Support | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

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