Acknowledging the pressure

July 23, 2019

“You’re feeling a lot of pressure.” When my therapist said those words, everything clicked into place. Yes! That’s what I was feeling and unable to acknowledge for myself, much less express to her, but she figured it out. And suddenly, it all made sense.

It’s hard enough to feel ill all of the time, but I also feel responsible for how I address my illnesses. I go to 5 different doctors and get 6 different opinions. I do my own research and figure out a course of action, but no doctor will order the tests I want or the prescription that I feel will help. I try to sort through all of the possibilities, the research, the unknowns, the assumptions, the inconclusive data. I talk to experts and I ask questions of other patients. I look at as many resources as I can. But at the end of the day, it’s up to me, and me alone, to decide what to do.

That’s a lot of pressure!

I want to feel better. I want to feel as well as possible. I don’t know what that is. Would that mean I was well enough to walk 3 miles? To finally get and care for the dog I’ve always wanted? To attend a wedding without having to leave early? To go out 3 nights in a row without becoming so ill that I can’t function for days afterwards? What is a reasonable goal? I don’t know. No one knows. But still, I aim to feel better, whatever that might be.

And as I aim to feel better, I must make myriad decisions. It’s scary and overwhelming. I have a bit one coming up in a day and a half and yes, I am overwhelmed and scared. I have a lot of research to do between now and then. I worry that my doctor might not agree with the approach I want to take or vice versa. I could be wrong. I won’t know until I try this new medication. This is my health, my one and only body, my life. If I get this wrong, there are no do-overs. The result would be damage that is likely irreversible. On the other hand, doing nothing will also result in irreversible damage, which means I have to do something. And I am the only person who can ultimately decide what that something will be.

So yeah, that’s a shit-ton of pressure. And I hate it. At least now I recognize it for what it is. I am learning to sit with my feelings. Still, the pressure is intense and it’s real. This is my life that I’m deciding about. I hope I make choices that improve it.


Reminded that my body can feel good

July 12, 2019

It’s not that I intentionally try to think of my body in negative ways, it just happens. My day is focused on which pills to take, how to moderate my activity enough to not cause fatigue, but so much that I don’t get enough exercise, how to sit and stand to lesson musculoskeletal pain, and being super careful about my diet. That’s before I research symptoms, diagnoses, and treatments. I am frequently aware of aches and pains, fatigue, nausea, and other symptoms. I don’t look for problems with my body, but I think about them constantly anyway.

And then this week I was aware of good sensations, and it made me realize just how much I think about the bad stuff. The good stuff came in two forms. First, there was physical therapy. That often makes me feel good, and I appreciate it every time. Still, it doesn’t make me aware of the juxtaposition as much as I was this week. The other thing that happened was that I had sex. I hadn’t had sex in a while, and when I did, it was just a fun night with a former boyfriend who I fool around with whenever he’s in town. This time, he was in town for a week, and while we didn’t have sex every day, we still had quite a good time. He’s very understanding about my health issues. One night he was in the mood and I didn’t feel up to it. No big deal. Another night, I felt really sick, and he simply held my hand until I felt well enough to go to sleep. He knows what will hurt me and avoids those things. Having that level of trust and understanding makes all the difference for me. It allows me to simply enjoy myself.

Now let’s face it, even healthy people often feel more positively aware of their bodies after good sex, so that isn’t unusual. It’s just that I became aware of the fact that the good feelings were displacing the bad ones. In the afterglow of a particularly good orgasm, I was too focused on the good feelings to notice any pain or fatigue. I knew those would likely hit me later, but for a while, they were held at bay. This wasn’t new. In fact, there were a few times when I was dating this same guy that I specifically said I wanted to have sex because I was in a ton of pain and I knew sex would help, thanks to the lovely brain chemicals that are released. Unfortunately, my dating life is pretty much nonexistent, so that hasn’t been an option for me lately.

When I went back to physical therapy at the end of the week, I paid more attention to how good I felt afterwards. She had spent a particularly long time working on my knees, and I noticed how different they felt now that they were full extended (something that doesn’t yet happen without her assistance.) I felt the lack of knots in my neck. My body was relaxed and, while not pain-free, definitely pain-lite.

Most days I won’t be at physical therapy or enjoying sex, and I won’t have those moments with few symptoms. But this was a good reminder that when I do occasionally notice my body feeling good, I need to revel in it. For as long as it lasts, feeling good is important, and something worth savoring.


Feeling a mysterious new contradiction

June 19, 2019

Last night I went to a Meetup group for the first time in 7 or 8 months. The folks there greeted me warmly and asked what I had been up to, and why I hadn’t been around. And the thing is, I found it hard to answer, even to myself.

I had been thinking about that before I went. At first, I was busy. Then I didn’t feel well. Then I felt better, but I was trying to catch up from not feeling well. It was never a priority – yes, there were times I could have gone but chose not to. But also, lately I have either been feeling too ill to go out, or else I’m feeling pretty good and I’m using that opportunity to catch up on household chores, fun projects, and spending time with close family and friends.

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Most recently, the surprising thing is that for the past month or so, I have been feeling so much better, while at the same time I feel that I am struggling more than usual. This is new to me, and hard to wrap my head around, much less describe to someone else. The closest I have come so far is a battery metaphor, since this is mostly related to energy and fatigue (though other symptoms play a role, too.) My battery never gets to 100% anymore, and probably never will. But lately I feel like I struggle to get my battery as high as it had been. If prior to the past month it sometimes got to 65% on good days, now it never gets above 50%.

But here’s the surprising part: it goes down more slowly. Before, it wouldn’t take much for me to go from 65% to 50% to 40%, but lately I feel like I can do a lot more at 50% before I drop down to 40% or lower. It’s an odd feeling. I’m more tired on my best days, but I can do more because I stay at 50% for a lot longer.

I want to know what this means. Is it a sign of improvement or a sign of deterioration? I believe it has to do with going off of an adrenal supplement. The goal was to stop the supplement for 2 weeks so I could take a test, then resume it. The first few days were horrible, but then I actually started to feel better. I had to put off the test for an extra week because of scheduling issues, and by then, I wanted to see what would happen. After all, I really did feel better than I had in a while. Now it’s been 5 weeks and I am anxiously waiting for the test results. What will they show? Will I need to go back on the supplement? Will I instead need the prescription that we were contemplating? Or is my body better off on its own? I am figuratively chewing my fingernails in anticipation.

My body is a series of mysteries. Sometimes there are answers, but far too often I never find out what is going on. I have learned to accept that for the less pressing issues (though sometimes I later find out they were more important than I had realized) but since fatigue has been my most disabling symptom for many years, this is tantalizingly close. I can almost feel the answer to the mystery dangling in front of me, but I can’t quite reach it. I am aching to know, though, if I am improving or deteriorating. Could I be on the verge of a breakthrough? Or is it the edge of a downward slide? Maybe the iron infusion that I had dreaded is having an affect? My fear is that the test won’t give conclusive results, and I won’t know why I feel this way or how to proceed. I should find out any day now, and until then all I can do is wait.

I see doctors constantly, and when they ask how I have been, it is almost always hard to explain. But now the answer is that I feel both better and worse at the same time. I hope they can help nudge towards more of the better.

 


Insurance that won’t cover medication

May 10, 2019

I have always been financially independent, meaning I supported myself. I worked in nonprofit for my entire career, so I never earned a lot of money. Still, I lived frugally and made it work, while managing to save money. Then I became too sick to work. Suddenly, money became a big problem.

Social security, fuel assistance, and food stamps helped, but they weren’t enough. I was pulling money out of savings every month. Thankfully I had savings, and enough that I wasn’t on the verge of ruin, but not enough to last me indefinitely. I tried to work multiple times. Each time I increased my hours, I got sicker. Some weeks I could manage 5 hours of work. Some weeks 10 hours. But if I tried to work 10 hours per week for two weeks in a row, it was a disaster. Even 5 hours per week wasn’t sustainable over time.

Then last year, I got Section 8! (For those outside the U.S., Section 8 is a housing subsidy. These days, the wait list to get Section 8 can be 10 years or more, and the restrictions for using it are very strict. With this type of Section 8, you pay no more than 1/3 of your income on rent, and the government covers the rest.) I was in shock. I thought I would be on the waiting list for several more years, but out of the blue, I reached the top of the list. Finally, I could cover all of my basic expenses with my benefits! I would still have to take money out of savings if I wanted to go to the theater, eat dinner with friends, buy clothes, or pay for car repairs, but this was still a huge improvement. It lasted about a minute.

Less than two months later, I got kicked off of food stamps. They said I earned $20 per month over the limit. I had no idea where that number came from, because I wasn’t close to the limit. So I did the paperwork and sent it in. I got food stamps back, but the same month I started a new prescription. It has to be compounded, as probably all of my medications will have to be from now on. That’s the only way to get this particular medication without any corn or gluten in it, which is a medical necessity for me.

Unfortunately, Medicare doesn’t care that it’s a medical necessity; they refuse to cover compounds. At $150 per month, this is obviously not in my budget. I appeal and was denied. I found an amazing patient advocacy group that helped me with a second appeal at no cost. My patient advocate helped me in many ways and this time my appeal included a 1000 word letter about why I need this medication and how it helps me, a more thorough letter from my doctor, and more of my own medical records.

And I was denied. Again. I can continue to appeal but it won’t help. Compound medications by their very nature are not FDA approved, and Medicare won’t cover anything that isn’t FDA approved. So I’m stuck.

Again, the good news is that I can afford this. I have savings. The bad news is that savings only goes so far. And every time I need to add a new prescription (I will probably have another in the next month or so) it will most likely need to be compounded. The costs might vary, but it won’t be cheap.

I take a lot of supplements and visit a lot of medical professionals. I spend about $600 on healthcare despite having great insurance. I take only ONE prescription medication and yet my insurance won’t cover it, so now I need to increase my medical spending by 25% to cover this additional $150 per month.

For a few weeks I could cover my expenses without dipping into savings or having to ask my parents for money. It was glorious. If only Medicare worked the way it should, I would still be in that position. Instead, I am watching my savings slowly go down month after month and it’s terrifying. But I need this medication to live.

Now please excuse me, I need to go call in a refill of my medication.