I’m moving!

December 21, 2016

I can’t believe that in 24 hours I will be living in a new apartment. I have been in my current place for over 10 years – much longer than I’ve been writing the hundreds of posts on this blog. Wow!

A lot has happened in the last 10 years and maybe I’ll look back over them another time. But at this moment, I’m looking forward.

I’m looking forward to my gorgeous new kitchen with the island in the middle, granite counters, beautiful appliances, and open feel. I’m looking forward to the comfortable living room, the lovely patio (my first ever outdoor space!), and my 2 bedroom closets. I’m looking forward to the apartment complex’s gym and book club. I’m looking forward to off street parking. I’m looking forward to meeting my new neighbors and their dogs. I’m looking forward to getting a dog of my own! I’m looking forward to living in a place with no stairs! I’m looking forward to peace and quiet and a view of trees.

Yes, there are things I’ll miss about my old place. The many windows, lovely open views, and easy walking to lots of great things will be missed. I’ll miss being able to take the T (our subway) whenever I want to (and feel up to it.) I’ll miss having a lot of activity around. I’ll miss having friends without cars visit me (the new place requires a car.)

There are things I’ll miss but so many more that I’m looking forward to, and I’m focused on those.

I’m also excited and proud of myself that I managed to prepare without getting *too* stressed out or fatigued or pained. Thanks to some new supplements I’m feeling pretty good, I’ve been careful to pace myself, and my wonderful mother has been incredibly helpful. Not only did she come over twice to pack boxes in the last month, but now she’s staying over at my place for the two nights before the move to help me with final preparations. She’s an angel, and I’m super lucky to have her in my life.

And with that, I’m signing off for a few days. Hopefully I’ll have internet access at the new place right away (but the cable company has been difficult about that, so we’ll see.) I’ll be busy alternating between unpacking boxes and getting lots of rest.

See you on the other side!

9 Comments | Expectations, Limitations, Raves, Relationships: Family & Friends & Dating & Sex, Support | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Trying to do it “all” with chronic illnesses

December 14, 2016

It feels like everything is hard with a chronic illness. Pain, fatigue, and other symptoms affect us in ways most people don’t think about.

Walking is harder. Sitting is harder. Reading is harder. Cooking is harder. Planning is a hell of a lot harder.

Last year I wrote down goals for earning money in 2016. I didn’t succeed, but they put me on a better path than I would have otherwise been on. So I did it again for 2017. And then I did something else: I wrote down my personal goals. I’ve never done that before and it was fascinating.

I wrote down everything big. And I realized how much harder it will all be than I would have thought just a few years ago.

I wrote down the book I want to write, blogging here, improving my health including doing regular physical therapy and other exercise, getting a dog (yay!), joining a dating site (well, maybe), making new single friends (most of my friends are coupled off at this point) through attending meetup groups, and some other things I’ll be telling you about soon.

It was a really great exercise and I recommend everyone do it. It puts everything into perspective. Doing this forced me to seriously consider everything I want to do, then narrow that down to what I want most. Then I broke that down into what I need to do to make it happen. For example, in order to make new friends, I need to join some meetup groups and actually attend, instead of my usual thing of joining but then staying home. (If you don’t know about meetup.com and you want to get out of the house more, check it out! I can’t do the physical activity groups like hiking or playing frisbee anymore, so I’m joining knitting and board game groups.) And I wrote down how many times a day I’ll do physical therapy, how many times a week I’ll check in on dating sites, and so on.

And then I looked at my list, added up the time required for each thing, and thought, “No wonder I’m so overwhelmed and never feel like I have enough time to get things done!” It was great! I mean, it sucked, because I have to give up something that’s important to me. But at least now I understand that it wasn’t that I was unorganized, just that I was trying to do more than my health allows. I have fewer hours, and I need to accept that. Sure, I’ve got a lot less on my list than I would if I was healthy, but it’s still too much. I can’t go right from a date to taking a walk – I need to rest in between. I can’t make new friends unless I have the energy to go out with them, and that takes energy from other activities. I still want to hang out with my current friends, knit, read, and do other things. Plus, showering, getting dressed, laundry, washing dishes, and even eating take up a lot of energy. But I don’t have to tell you that.

And of course, I can’t assume that any of my plans will stick. I could plan to do 3 hours of stuff every Monday, and some Mondays I’ll be able to do more but others I’ll have to less or maybe nothing at all. It’s completely unpredictable.

So that’s how I find myself looking at my list of personal goals for 2017, feeling keenly aware of the ways that everything is just a bit harder with chronic illnesses.

I don’t have the answers yet, but at least I can see the problem clearly. Something’s gotta give. Ok. I accept that. Now I just need to find the answers.

What about you? Do you set personal goals? How do you find ways to fit everything in or pare down?

6 Comments | Decisions, Expectations, Fatigue, Frustration, Pain, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

The power of a laptop

December 9, 2016

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Maybe it wouldn’t bother me if I was out of the house more. It certainly could be a whole lot worse. But no matter how you look at it, I miss my laptop.

I’m lucky that I had access to a computer at a young age. When the pain in my wrists was so bad that I couldn’t hold a pen, I could still usually type with a few fingers on my left hand. It was slow, but it allowed me to more or less keep up in my classes.

Then the internet appeared. That was interesting. Email was fun for sending letters to my grandparents (yes, my awesome grandfather was an early adopter!) And slowly, the computer became more integrated in my everyday life.

Now I’m like many others: email, Facebook, and a lot of other web sites are daily activities. But I use my laptop for so much more. My to do list, my health records, family photos, my daily symptom log, my finances, and a lot more is on that machine. Quite a lot more. I’m on it every day.

And on the days I don’t feel up to leaving the house, it’s my connection to the outside world. I see what my friends are doing on Facebook. I connect with other chronic illness folks on Twitter, I email my mom.

Some of this can be done on my smartphone, which I’m also very lucky to have. Some of it can’t. And some of it can theoretically be done, but not by me. I can do lots of typing on a laptop but I can’t do that same typing on a tiny smartphone touch keyboard. There’s a text-to-speech feature, but that’s not the same. For me, it doesn’t work at well.

And that’s why I’ve wanted to write a post all week but I’ve been waiting. I can’t imagine trying to do this on my phone!

A week ago I was having a perfectly fine evening when I got that image above. Twice.

Not good!

Thanks to sage advice from a couple of friends, I brought my laptop in to a repair shop. My hard drive was failing. Ugh.

I bought a new hard drive, which has now been installed. They’re just transferring all of my backed up files, and then hopefully in a few more days I’ll have my laptop back!

For now I’m using my previous laptop. It’s not in great shape. I can’t do much on it, but at least I have a browser. A connection to the outside world. It’s not perfect, but it’s something.

I’ll have a lot of work to do next week. I need to reinstall all sorts of software on my laptop. But that’s ok. At least I’ll have my baby back.

And then I can breath easier. Relax. And finally put my latest blood test results into my personal tracking spreadsheet.

P.S. If you’re a computer user, make sure you back up your files! I’m so glad I did!

2 Comments | Expectations, Isolation | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

What a difference a year makes

November 25, 2016

Holidays are a good time to reflect. Sometimes it’s because of the holiday itself, but often it’s simply because they stick in our heads. Last year at this time I was…. It’s easy to remember.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving and it made me think about some recent Thanksgivings I’ve had. Some were a real struggle health-wise. Some were tough emotionally. A few were both. And then there was last year.

Last year I was recovering from surgery. I remember being super careful with my poor foot in a cast, making sure no one accidentally tripped over it. And if you’d asked me then where I’d be this year, I’m not quite sure what I’d have said. But I wouldn’t have guessed where I’m actually at.

I’m still recovering from that surgery. I thought I’d be long healed by now, but I still have some pain. I saw the doctor today and it looks like I’m still healing properly, just very slowly. Oh well.

I’m getting ready to move! I thought that by now I’d have received my Section 8 voucher and I’d be moving into a crappy place in a not-so-desirable area. I wasn’t sure when it would happen, but they’d led me to believe it would be soon. Instead, I still haven’t received the voucher (they’re still saying it will be “soon” but I no longer believe them), and I’m moving into a kick-ass apartment! Last Thanksgiving I was still months away from discovering the affordable housing programs that would let me live in a really nice place for less rent than I’m paying now. And when I do finally get that voucher, it should apply to my new apartment – yay!

Tomorrow I’m participating in a craft fair for the first time. Last Thanksgiving I had only recently learned that I could sell my kinds of crafts in the fall and winter. I was so excited! Because summer is no time to sell hats and scarves, and because I feel shitty all summer long, too. But fall and winter are perfect! Plus, I’ll get the Christmas shoppers coming by my booth. Last year I thought about participating, but I felt that I couldn’t manage a really long day (9am-3pm!) at a craft fair. I’m still not so sure that it’s a good idea, but this year I feel well enough to try!

Last year I’d seen some improvement to my health but I had plateaued. Now I still feel like I’ve plateaued, but I’m doing better than I was last year. So even though the changes were small, they definitely happened!

Last Thanksgiving I was just starting to create a business. Now I’m still working on the same business but I have a slightly different business plan. I’ve come farther than I’d have expected with it, even though it’s not bringing in any money yet. But I have confidence that it will!

Over the last year I unexpectedly saw an old friendship end and I surprisingly saw a couple of newer ones blossom.

Last year I was incredibly single. This year I still am. Ok, some things don’t change much.

All of this makes me wonder about next year. What will I be doing by next Thanksgiving? How will I be feeling? I can’t wait to find out!

Do you ever look back on where you were a year ago? How are you feeling about it?

4 Comments | Expectations, Limitations, Milestones, Raves | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

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