Remembering to ask for help

September 19, 2011

I’m spoiled.  I know that.  I have a fantastic support system.  Just knowing they are there if I need them makes me very lucky and very spoiled.

I’m not good at asking for help.  I never have been and it’s possible that I never will be, but I’m a ton better than I was.  After 20 years of symptoms, I’ve learned that there are times when it’s important to ask.  I still don’t ask for help as much as I should, but I do it more than I used to.

After throwing my laundry in the basement dryer last night, I ran into a neighbor on my way back to my apartment.  She was diagnosed with Parkinson’s a few years ago and I have offered many times to help her with errands or tasks around the building.  She has never asked for anything, but when I see her in the building I hold doors open for her and I help her carry things.  Last night, she asked if I could pick up something for her at the grocery store.  I told her that she had great timing, because I was planning to go after work today and I’d happily pick up anything she needed.  She seemed apologetic, kept asking if I could really manage it (she knows I have health issues too), and then started to offer an explanation.  I waved off her explanation and assured her it wasn’t necessary.  She looked uncertain, but finally believed me.  I think she was hesitant to ask for help from someone who also has limitations, but at the same time, she knew I understood.  I understand the way most people don’t.

My neighbor has friends.  I know they help her.  But I also know how hard it is to ask the same people to go out of their way constantly.  I’m so thrilled that she finally felt comfortable asking me for help.  I hope she asks again.  Some days I won’t be able to do it, but on the days I can, I’ll be only too glad to.  And I’m glad she’s accepting that it’s ok to ask.

 

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Leave a Comment » | Educating, Expectations, Kindness, Limitations, Raves, Support, Symptoms, Thoughtfulness, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Considering the big STD: Short Term Disability insurance

September 18, 2011

Until this year, I never considered going on short term disability insurance (STD).  Now, I’m wondering if it’s the right thing for me to do.

 

I was lucky to have STD at my last job, but my health was decent enough, and my employer was accommodating.  I worked from home one day a week, and more when it was needed.  I did ok.  At my current job, again, I’m lucky that my employer offers STD.  My boss won’t let me work from home, though, and putting in all those hours at work is not good for me.  I’m not getting exercise when I need it and I’m not getting rest when I need it.  There’s no balance.  I have a fairly good diet, but it could be better.  I spend too many hours at a computer, something that is bad for me physically and mentally.  I don’t get enough sleep.  I know I’ll feel better if I’m not working.

 

For years I felt that not working would be giving in, letting the diseases win.  My new attitude is that I should live the best life I can live, and if that means not working, then so be it.  Unfortunately, it’s not that simple.  I know that I qualify for short term disability, but I doubt that I’d qualify for long term disability.  I don’t think I’d qualify for SSI (the U.S. social security disability insurance) either, and even if I did, it would take more than a year for the application to be approved, and then my benefits wouldn’t even pay my rent, much less any other bills.  So that brings me back to STD as the most likely option.

 

STD is tempting.  It would cover me for 12 weeks, and I know I’d use that time well.  I would exercise regularly, eat well, sleep better, and generally be happier.  I’d get to spend time with my friends and family.  I’d be calmer and more relaxed.  This is what I did when I was unemployed (before getting my current job) and my health improved significantly.  I would use the three months well.  And then after those 12 weeks were up, I’d go back to work and be…. right back where I started.  That’s why I’m hesitating.  What’s the point of feeling better for three months only to go back to feeling lousy on a regular basis?  I need a more long-term solution.  Too bad my last lottery ticket didn’t win.

 

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3 Comments | Decisions, Expectations, Frustration, Job, Limitations, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Lost days

September 17, 2011

I usually post something each day, but yesterday wasn’t quite normal.

For a while, I would get sick with some sort of cold several times a year.  Then the chronic illnesses changed.  Now, I get sick once or twice a year, and several other times a year, when I start to get a bug, I feel a certain type of…. well, I don’t know how to describe it.  But when I feel it, if I listen to my body, and get as much sleep as possible (usually 12-15 hours), then spend the entire next day resting, I can usually avoid the bug.  And that was yesterday and today.  I left work early yesterday, and didn’t touch the computer all day.  No email, no Facebook, no Twitter (@CIRants), nothing.  I just had no desire for any sort of contact with the outside world.  Instead, I watched tv and movies.  Luckily, I had Fred and Ginger to entertain me (and if you’ve never seen them dance, you should.)

Anyway, after 12 hours of sleep, I finally go up this morning feeling much better.  Actually, I would have liked to sleep even more, but I was very hungry.  I can sleep through a lot of things, but not a rumbling stomach, especially my own.  Unfortunately, even though I did feel a lot better, I didn’t feel quite right, and I know from experience that I had to stay in and rest all day.  I cancelled plans.  I stayedindoors on a gorgeous day.  I didn’t do anything productive: no laundry, no cooking, not even catching up on emails.  As I write this, I am missing a party that I had looked forward to for months.  But what’s the alternative?  If I went out, I know I’d get sick, and that would be worse.  This way, I might be ok tomorrow.  Still, I hate to lose time like this.  So much for my Saturday.  I wouldn’t mind missing plans occasionally, but it’s been happening more and more often lately.

My big frustration is that I put so much energy into working, and then I miss out on life.  I’d much rather it be the other way around.  I’m working on that.  I’m sure there’s a way.  I just don’t know yet what it is.  In the meantime, I’m hoping to leave the house tomorrow.

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2 Comments | Decisions, Expectations, Frustration, Isolation, Limitations, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Dreading the dew point

September 14, 2011

I normally post in the evenings, but this morning I’m so anxious, I figured it was time to write earlier.  It’s mid-September and after some lovely cool days, today the temperature and the dew point are both up, which means my pain is too.

Now, on a different day, this might not be so bad.  It’s going to be hard for me to walk, so on a different day I would drive to work.  I also have plans after work, and I’m stubborn and refuse to miss them, so I’d drive there too.  Then afterwards, I would drive home.  In between, I’d stay off my feet as much as possible.  It wouldn’t be ideal, but I’d make it work.  After all, this is why I bought a car.

Unfortunately, today is not a typical day.  Thanks to city construction in my neighborhood, there are very few parking spaces for a whole lot of cars.  That means that if I drive to work, I’ll lose my parking space (which is already several blocks away), and when I get home, I’ll have to park so far from home that I may not feel up to walking it.

There’s no good answer here, just uncertainty, frustration, and pain.  Wish me luck.

 

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1 Comment | Expectations, Frustration, Pain, Parking, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

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