Survival instincts

January 11, 2012

My future is looking a bit bleak at the moment.  I’m sure a lot of that has to do with the tinted glasses I’m wearing – I’m so focused on the negatives, it’s hard to see the positives.  So what’s the answer?

I really don’t know the answer, I just know I have to keep moving forward.  That’s all I’ve got.  And for years that’s all I’ve had.  For better or for worse, I just have to keep moving forward, because there’s simply no other choice.  Just keep moving forward.

I’m reading an incredible book right now about life in North Korea.  It follows the lives of several people starting in the 1970s.  I’m up to about 1998 now and I can’t wait to see what happens next.  I know they survive only because they live to tell their stories, but as I read about the famine, about how these people beg and steal, how they eat grass and tree bark and unidentifiable food-type items, how they choose between antibiotics to save a son’s life or food for the family, it feels like a different world.  It is not as if I think there aren’t hungry people in the world, but I’ve never heard first-person accounts like this.  These people went from having three meals a day to not eating for days at a time in the course of just a year or two.  They watched their loved ones starve to death in front of them.  They describe malnourished children with distended stomachs, adults with flaking skin, and I start to cry.  And then I wonder how long I would have survived.

Forget my health problems.  Obviously that would affect things.  But aside from that, would I have made it?  Or would I have been one of the first to go?  I have a steely resolve.  I have a strong survival instinct.  I know this.  I also know that I would want to help others, that I would hesitate to steal or cheat.  But maybe in this circumstance that wouldn’t be true?  I can’t imagine it, and I would guess that no one can.  You don’t know what you’re capable of until you’re forced to find out.  Still, right now, I don’t know that I’d make it.  At the time of that famine I was a teenager, happily going to school, hanging out with friends, dating, researching colleges.  That girl might have actually done ok.  I was even more stubborn then than I am now, and somehow I think I might have been ok for the early years.  Still, I can not imagine how they survived it.

So even though I am depressed and overwhelmed by the potential problems of the near (and long-term) future, I know that I have to summon my strength.  I come from a long line of stubborn folks.  My grandparents have survived an awful lot, and much of it seems to be by shear force of will.  My mother amazes me with the obstacles she overcomes.  I have that same stubbornness in me.  It’s time to use it.  I am not facing war or famine.  Hard as my problems may be, it is really only my own inner demons that I have to fear.  So I just have to remember: keep moving forward.  There’s no other choice.  Just keep moving forward.

 

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5 reasons the next election scares me

January 9, 2012

I’m irritable and grumpy and really not in the mood to write a happy post.  But then, I’m tired of hearing myself complain.  So where does that leave me?

Avoidance.  That seems like a perfectly immature solution.  I’m going for it.

To avoid complaining about the health issues that are on my mind, instead I’ll list my top 5 (in no particular order) concerns going into the next presidential election.  After all, politics is always a good topic to vent about.

  1. Obama’s healthcare plan could be repealed.  I sure don’t agree with all of it, but it’s the best we have right now.  It worries me that some of our candidates believe that anyone who can’t afford healthcare should be left to suffer and even to die.  It worries me that they don’t see the need to outlaw preexisting condition exclusions.  It worries me that they think our current system works.  Just because it works for them, doesn’t it mean it works for the rest of us.
  2. Abortions could become illegal, or legal but almost impossible to get.  The laws in some states scare me.  To think that a woman must be counseled against an abortion before she can receive one, or that she must be forced to listen to the fetus’s heartbeat, is just downright scary.  A woman should not be forced to carry a baby against her will.  What kind of society would enforce that?  It’s especially heinous considering how difficult some people want to make it for women to receive contraception and Plan B-type medications.  Believe it or not, not every fertile woman wants to have a child.  Expanding these laws to work around Roe v. Wade would be unacceptable.
  3. Homophobia, biphobia, and transphobia could become legal.  Well, more than it already is.  What really angers me (besides the politicians railing against “the gays” who themselves turn out to be gay or bi) are the many politicians who say they “have many close friends who are gay” and they “have nothing against gays” but then denounce same sex couples as having “unnatural lifestyles” or something equally absurd.  Psst…. you really do have a problem with “the gays,” even though you still want their votes.
  4. Immigrants, both legal and illegal, could become scapegoats for every single problem in this country.  Well, even more than they already are.  Shocking as it may seem, immigrants did not cause the current/recent recession, immigrants are not preventing a rebound in employment numbers by stealing American jobs, and immigrants did not come to this country in order to scam our welfare system.  Yes, there is the occasional immoral immigrant, just like there is the occasional immoral U.S.-born citizen.  But overall, these are people who came to this country for a better life.  Why did your ancestors come here?  Unless your ancestors were Native Americans, your ancestors immigrated to this country at one point.  They may have come by choice or they may have come against their will, but they weren’t born here.  The vast majority of us are descended from immigrants.  Get over it.
  5. We’ll continue to see nothing but infighting, status quo, and bandaids.  I’m so sick and tired of see a group of rich white guys, with a few women and minorities thrown in for good measure, fighting for their side to win, even at the expense of the American people.  I’m fed up with seeing real solutions to real problems being watered down to the point of being made almost useless.  I’m aching to see something more than just incremental changes.  Where’s the real thing?  Let’s tear apart our broken systems and rebuild them to be better.  You know that whole “all [people] are created equal” clause?  I want to see our politicians act as if it’s really true.  I want to see our political system fixed so that there’s no longer an incentive for politicians to pander to rich people and large corporations.  I want to see a system that appears to at least have the potential to actually work.  I’m not seeing that right now.

 

For once, I want to vote for the best candidate, not for the least bad one. 

A few people have suggested that I run for office myself.  They weren’t suggesting a presidential run, of course, but something more like a state representative position.  I gave three good reasons for not doing it: (1) my health (2) lack of money (3) I’d want to speak my mind, and I honestly don’t think anyone can get elected by speaking their mind.  I really wish that wasn’t true.

This next election scares me.  I just don’t like the direction we’re moving in.  I hope that by some miracle, things improve.  Oh, that reminds me, I didn’t have room to get into my views on the separation of church and state and where that’s headed.  A future rant to look forward to….

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Better than what?

January 8, 2012

After 6 full days, I am finally over my cold.  Sure, I’m still coughing up phlegm, but aside from that I’m doing ok.  I’m finally better.

But that makes me wonder: better than what?

I’m not contagious.  But aside from that, what really distinguishes between the past few days and the several months before?  This week I was sniffling, coughing, and suffering from laryngitis, but that wasn’t the worst of it.  The worst was the fever and the run-down feeling.  But wait, I had those before too!

I was frustrated with this cold, wanting to leave the house.  But aside from being contagious, it was really no worse than a lot of what I feel regularly, and in one way it was a hell of a lot better: I knew it wouldn’t last.

I keep waiting to feel better.  I keep waiting to get my energy back, to feel ready to return to work, to make plans with friends that I won’t likely cancel, to be able to guarantee help to my family and friends when they need it…. to have my life.  So many people were worried about me while I was sick this week; I didn’t know how to explain to them that that was the easy part.  It’s returning to my “normal” life that’s hard, because that illness isn’t about to go away.

 

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Healthy sick vs. CI sick

January 5, 2012

I think that most of us with CIs respond to things differently than so-called “healthy” people do.  It’s only natural.

Yes, I still worry about the trivial things in life, but not like I used to.  And I was disappointed recently when my bloodwork came back normal – I really wanted them to find a problem so that we might have a course of treatment.  I’m guessing that a non-CI person would have been very happy to get “normal” results.

I think that getting a cold is the same thing.  Of course, physically some of us respond differently.  Back before my autoimmune issues were full-blown, a cold was just a cold.  Now, a cold can knock me completely off my feet for a week.  No matter what germs I get, usually at some point it turns into a chest cold and a head cold, and I have a fever too.  But it’s more than just the physical.

When non-CI folks get sick, many (of course not all) of them get so upset that it’s disrupting their life.  Yes, getting sick is inconvenient, but my CIs disrupt my life much more often than any cold does.  And I see a lot of non-CIs try to power through colds and such, acting as if they don’t have them.  First, I find this incredibly irritating  because they are going to work and running errands and riding the train…. and sharing their germs with the rest of us!  I hate that.  I am more than happy to acknowledge my body’s current weakness.  When I have a job I power through lesser pain and fatigue specifically so that when I’m sick and germy I can stay home and rest.  I don’t have enough sick time at work for everything, and I know to pick and choose my battles carefully.  Many non-CI folks have dozens of sick days built up, but still come to work, as if they are indispensable.  Get over yourself, we can get through the day without you.  Just like you can survive without me.

And then there are meds.  I know people who take pills for everything (where’s the moderation?) and those who think they shouldn’t need any meds at all.  I think there can be something in between, but I also know to be careful.  I am taking all of my prescriptions because I have to, even when I feel queasy.  If I don’t, the consequences would be… well, I don’t like to think about it.  But when I felt feverish yesterday and found myself sobbing on the bed for absolutely no reason, I took Tylenol.  It would be stupid not to.  But I called the pharmacist first to be sure there wouldn’t be problems taking it with my new med.  I see far too many people forget to do that.  Today I’ve been sniffling and sneezing since I woke up.  It’s not fun, but I’d rather let my body work out what it needs to than to load up on drugs.  That said, I’ll be taking Nyquil tonight, since I know that sleep is an important part of recovery (and I wouldn’t get any sleep at all the way I am.)  I guess what it comes down to is, the CIs have taught me how to listen to my body, and how to respond to it without overdoing anything.

Yeah, being sick sucks.  I’m not going to pretend that it doesn’t.  I’m on day three and it’s lousy.  I’m sick of watching the same few tv shows over and over (I only have basic cable) and my eyes are too watery to try and read.  I feel germy and lousy and am ready for it to be over.  But I won’t stress out over it, or worry about the things I’m missing, or try to push myself to do more than I’m ready to do.  This still isn’t as bad as a CI flare.  And I know that, unlike my CIs, it will go away.  And that is the best part of all.