My new gym routine

January 1, 2020

If you have been reading this blog for any length of time, you probably find this title strange. But it’s true, I have a new gym routine!

About 10 years ago, I got into my first gym routine. I had quit my job, and decided to take good care of my body during my time off. I found an inexpensive gym near me where 2 or 3 times each week I would lift weights as my physical therapist had taught me and do some pedaling on the recumbent bicycle. It went well until I got a job.

I tried to keep it up. I went to the gym a few times on lunch breaks, but it was too rushed. I went in the evening a few times, but I was so tired. Mornings weren’t an option; it was hard enough to get to work on time. I went less and less often before finally giving up.

I didn’t know it at the time, but my body was suffering. Untreated Celiac disease, improperly treated hypothyroidism, and the start or worsening of adrenal fatigue were taking their toll. Eventually I left my job and went on disability benefits. So many days, it was hard to walk to my car. The gym was out of the question.

This time around it’s totally different. My approach is, something is better than nothing. This won’t be true for everyone, of course. For a lot of people, even tiny bits of exercise will make them worse. I’m pretty sure I was at the point for a while. Still, I am remembering 15 years ago when I was having a tough time, and a friend encouraged me to lower the bar and do a lot less. Instead of taking a long walk, or even aiming for a shorter distance, I set a time limit. My goal was a 10 minute walk every few days. That’s it. Five minutes down the street and then turn around. I could walk as slowly as I wanted and needed to. This was a great start, and I found myself walking faster, going farther, in those 10 minutes. I no longer saw snails passing me by. Eventually I increased the time to 15 minutes, then 20. Of course, that was a long time ago, and my abilities are quite different. Still, I remember slowly building up from something so tiny.

For a long time now my medical practitioners have been encouraging me to exercise more, especially because they know that there is a gym in my apartment complex. Each time I tried, though, it went badly. Some days I was ok, but others I was exhausted and felt horrible for the rest of the day and sometimes even the following day. Since I never knew how I would feel, going to the gym felt too risky, so I often skipped it. If I had plans in the afternoon, I wouldn’t go in the morning. It was a big hassle. I had to change my clothes, get over there, lift a bunch of weights, ride the bike, get home, and shower. It was a lot!

This time is different. I figured something was better than nothing. Last year an occupational therapist wanted me to do a specific set of weights. Under her supervision it went well, but when my sessions ended and I had to keep it up on my own, I couldn’t, for all there reasons I just gave. I would have a setback after working out, then by the time I went to the gym again weeks (or more) later, I had to start over at a lower weight again. It was incredibly frustrating.

Then I started to think, since that one exercise is what I most want to do at the gym, what if I do only that exercise? No others. I wouldn’t exhaust myself because I wouldn’t do other weights or any cardio. I wouldn’t have to change my clothes; I wouldn’t be exercising my lower body so jeans and snowboots would be ok, and I wouldn’t be sweating. This also meant that I wouldn’t have to take a shower afterwards. I could even do my exercise on my way home from someplace.

For the past two months, I have been going to the gym twice a week. If I need to move a day because I don’t feel well, that’s fine. There’s no pressure. I simply want to keep going. I am only there for 5 minutes, if that. Yes, I feel self-conscious sometimes when folks see me walk in, and then see me leave mere minutes later. But you know what? It’s better than not showing up at all!

I was supposed to go to the gym today, but I strained a muscle in my neck and I am worried about injuring myself. There’s no guilt. No concern. I will go when my neck feels better. If I miss an entire week, that’s not the end of the world. I will not let it derail me. I hope I can get there tomorrow, though, because I enjoy the feeling of accomplishment, even though it is too soon to notice a big difference in my strength.

I am not doing a lot compared to my peers. This is small stuff. But you know what? I can’t get to the big stuff (ok, the slightly bigger stuff) without starting small. Some people can, but I can’t. That’s ok. And even if I never do more than what I am doing right now, at least I’m doing something. This is manageable, which means I’m actually doing it. This is my longest gym-going streak in the past 10 years and I plan to keep it up. Wish me luck!

Meanwhile, could this approach apply to something in your life? Maybe it’s exercise, a dietary change, cleaning your home, making new friends, or something else. Is there some way that the “something is better than nothing” approach could help you, too?

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Posted by chronicrants

Acknowledging the pressure

July 23, 2019

“You’re feeling a lot of pressure.” When my therapist said those words, everything clicked into place. Yes! That’s what I was feeling and unable to acknowledge for myself, much less express to her, but she figured it out. And suddenly, it all made sense.

It’s hard enough to feel ill all of the time, but I also feel responsible for how I address my illnesses. I go to 5 different doctors and get 6 different opinions. I do my own research and figure out a course of action, but no doctor will order the tests I want or the prescription that I feel will help. I try to sort through all of the possibilities, the research, the unknowns, the assumptions, the inconclusive data. I talk to experts and I ask questions of other patients. I look at as many resources as I can. But at the end of the day, it’s up to me, and me alone, to decide what to do.

That’s a lot of pressure!

I want to feel better. I want to feel as well as possible. I don’t know what that is. Would that mean I was well enough to walk 3 miles? To finally get and care for the dog I’ve always wanted? To attend a wedding without having to leave early? To go out 3 nights in a row without becoming so ill that I can’t function for days afterwards? What is a reasonable goal? I don’t know. No one knows. But still, I aim to feel better, whatever that might be.

And as I aim to feel better, I must make myriad decisions. It’s scary and overwhelming. I have a bit one coming up in a day and a half and yes, I am overwhelmed and scared. I have a lot of research to do between now and then. I worry that my doctor might not agree with the approach I want to take or vice versa. I could be wrong. I won’t know until I try this new medication. This is my health, my one and only body, my life. If I get this wrong, there are no do-overs. The result would be damage that is likely irreversible. On the other hand, doing nothing will also result in irreversible damage, which means I have to do something. And I am the only person who can ultimately decide what that something will be.

So yeah, that’s a shit-ton of pressure. And I hate it. At least now I recognize it for what it is. I am learning to sit with my feelings. Still, the pressure is intense and it’s real. This is my life that I’m deciding about. I hope I make choices that improve it.

Leave a Comment » | Decisions, Expectations, Frustration, Healthcare, Medication, Rants | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Yes, it’s a choice

June 11, 2019

One thing my therapist is helping me realize is that many of the things I do for my health are actually choices on my part. I often feel trapped, like I have no options, but that’s actually not true.

Take the party I went to recently. I put on my sexy new dress: tight, red, showing cleavage, and making me look hot. This is the sexiest dress I’ve owned, and I didn’t want to ruin the effect by wearing my big, bulky knee braces. So I made a choice: I didn’t wear them.

2019-06-11 13.02.32

The dress I wore with the knee braces I didn’t

I wear those knee braces every time I leave the house, but since I knew I wouldn’t be doing much walking, what if this time I didn’t? What’s the worst that would happen?

Well, long term I could do permanent damage by wearing away cartilage, but that wouldn’t be an issue for one evening. I would be in pain, but maybe that would be ok? I know the pain, and it would be manageable. I should still be able to drive home, which is the deal-breaker for me.

So I did it. I brought the braces with me, just in case, but I left them in the car. I wore cute sandals with my orthodics in them. The dress calls for heels, but I knew that level of pain wouldn’t be worthwhile. I’m better off in sneakers, but really didn’t want to do that. I wanted to look good, damn it!

I was in a lot of pain for the first part of the party. Eventually, though, I found a good balance between sitting and standing. It meant sometimes sitting when I would rather stand, but that happens a lot even when I wear the knee braces.

But it also meant that I felt good about the way I looked. I kept forgetting that I was “passing” as healthy, so when I asked a guy out on a date and he said yes, he didn’t know about my health issues. When I showed up to our date in a cute dress and knee braces, I had to explain. I wasn’t doing it to pass, though. I wasn’t trying to hide my health problems. No, I was simply trying to look good in my new dress. And what’s so bad about that?

It is a privilege that I was able to make that choice. I know that some day I might not be able to. But somewhere in the midst of everything, I realized something important: I wasn’t simply choosing to not wear my knee braces. I was choosing to boost my emotional health at the cost of my physical health. That was the true choice that I made.

Within two days my knee pain levels had returned to normal, but the memory of how I felt all dressed up has stayed with me. It’s spring now, and even though I wear skirts and dresses almost every day, I will be wearing my knee braces whenever I go out. That, too, is a choice that I am making. The thing I have to remember, though, is that it is a choice. I am choosing whether or not to do the thing that is best for my physical health. And occasionally, it best not to do that thing, and to give my mental health a boost instead.

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Posted by chronicrants

Choosing convenience

May 20, 2019

Let’s face it, dealing with chronic illness takes a lot of time and effort. There are the myriad medical appointments, tests, and treatments. There’s handling the day-to-day symptoms. The flares just add to it all. And that’s on top of having fewer “good” hours in a day than most people. It’s exhausting and overwhelming at times.

That’s why, after many years, I have finally decided to choose convenient options without guilt whenever I need to. Yes, it’s better for the environment to use reusable containers instead of sandwich baggies, but I’m using the baggies when I need to. I will still use the reusable containers most of the time, but when I can’t fit all of the containers into my cooler to bring with me to the doctor appointment, or when I’m going to be out all day and I need more space in my bag, or when I need to make my bag as light as possible, or when I can’t keep up with the dishes then yes, I’m going to use the plastic baggies and then throw them away, and I won’t feel guilty about it.

Similarly, I should use rags when I’m cleaning. But that’s more to wash, more to deal with. So I will use paper towels at times and I won’t feel guilty about that. When I’m in a bad flare, I will use paper plates and plastic forks without guilt. I will run the air conditioner if that helps me to feel better. I will take extra long showers when that helps me. And I will do all of it without guilt.

I believe that every person on this planet has a responsibility to do what we can to preserve and improve our environment. But I am also aware that we have to accept our limits. And maybe one shouldn’t come at the cost of the other. I have been adhering to this new mindset for several weeks now and it has been freeing, not to mention helpful. Instead of doing what’s “right” or what I “should” do, I choose what makes the most sense at that moment. Sometimes I use the reusable containers, sometimes the sandwich bags and you know what? Either one is ok.

Now I’m wondering what types of things other folks choose for convenience, and I’d love to hear from you. Please share yours below! It would be good to add to my list and to give other readers more ideas, too. So what shortcuts do you take?

6 Comments | Decisions, Fatigue, Limitations, Raves | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

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