Feeling trapped

July 6, 2012

It’s probably been only a few weeks, but it feels like so much longer.  The heat rose, and the dew point rose, and I started spending more time indoors.  Now I feel stuck.

When you live in a climate with long, cold, snowy winters, I suppose it’s natural that people want to spend their summers outside as much as possible.  The problem is, I can’t be out in the heat and sun.  This is really hurting my already-sucky social life.  I can’t seem to make plans with anyone outdoors, and there isn’t much happening indoors, especially since my new diet makes it nearly impossible to go out to eat.

Part of this is surely in my head.  I could probably find something to do and make plans and people wouldn’t mind staying in doors.  Probably.  Maybe.  It’s hard.  Tomorrow a friend is having a bbq, but it’s supposed to be hot and humid and I just don’t think I can go.  If only it was going to be cooler out….  Next week a friend and I want to meet up for lunch.  I’ll bring food, since I won’t be able to eat at most restaurants, and we’ll picnic.  But again, this only works if it’s cool enough and not raining.  It’s getting harder and harder to find free, or at least inexpensive, things to do indoors.

I’m sure this is a common problem for heat-sensitive people.  How do you handle it?  What activities do you do indoors?  How do you explain it to people?  I need to get out of the apartment occasionally and be around other people!

Leave a Comment » | Educating, Expectations, Frustration, Isolation, Limitations, Rants, Symptoms | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

The subjectiveness of a “good” day

July 2, 2012

Sometimes I write about what a great day I’ve had healthwise.  Sometimes I write about a lousy day.  Right now, I’m not sure what I’m having.

One year ago I was struggling to get through each day.  9 months ago I left my job because I just couldn’t manage.  6 months ago I couldn’t read books because I always fell asleep.  I needed naps many days.  I could barely socialize.  3 months ago I had slightly more energy.  I wasn’t napping as much.  I could go out more, but only slightly more.  And today I don’t know what my limits are.  I know I have them, but I don’t know how to define them.

Ideally I wouldn’t have limits, or at least I’d have the same limits as most of my friends.  Chances are that I’ll always have extra limits, and I can probably live with that as long as they’re a lot fewer than what I’ve been dealing with in the last year.  The thing is, in the last year they’ve been changing so much.  Six months ago I wouldn’t have tried to visit with my grandparents for an afternoon and then come home, relax for a while, eat dinner, then take a walk in the evening.  But recently I did that!  For many people this wouldn’t seem like much: have a conversation for a few hours, relax for several hours, then take a 15 minute walk?  But for me that was huge.  I could probably do that today if it wasn’t so hot out and that’s exciting.  But I know I couldn’t do that every day, and not even necessarily any day.  So where’s the line?

I just don’t know.  The 1-10 scales aren’t accurate because they depend not only on memory and perception, but also on mood and on the status of that exact moment.  I could keep track of how I feel each day in a journal or using an app, but it still wouldn’t tell me what my limits are.  Clearly the big problem is that I’m afraid to push my own boundaries.  After so many bad results, now I want to play it safe.  The result is that sometimes I don’t realize that I could do more, or I know I could do more but I don’t know how much more.  A “good” day is now one where I don’t feel lousy.  I need to change that, to make it so that a good day is one where I do more than I did last week, and where I still don’t feel lousy.

I guess that’s something to aim for tomorrow: a new kind of good.

Leave a Comment » | Expectations, Frustration, Limitations, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Next Entries »