Sometimes I write about what a great day I’ve had healthwise. Sometimes I write about a lousy day. Right now, I’m not sure what I’m having.
One year ago I was struggling to get through each day. 9 months ago I left my job because I just couldn’t manage. 6 months ago I couldn’t read books because I always fell asleep. I needed naps many days. I could barely socialize. 3 months ago I had slightly more energy. I wasn’t napping as much. I could go out more, but only slightly more. And today I don’t know what my limits are. I know I have them, but I don’t know how to define them.
Ideally I wouldn’t have limits, or at least I’d have the same limits as most of my friends. Chances are that I’ll always have extra limits, and I can probably live with that as long as they’re a lot fewer than what I’ve been dealing with in the last year. The thing is, in the last year they’ve been changing so much. Six months ago I wouldn’t have tried to visit with my grandparents for an afternoon and then come home, relax for a while, eat dinner, then take a walk in the evening. But recently I did that! For many people this wouldn’t seem like much: have a conversation for a few hours, relax for several hours, then take a 15 minute walk? But for me that was huge. I could probably do that today if it wasn’t so hot out and that’s exciting. But I know I couldn’t do that every day, and not even necessarily any day. So where’s the line?
I just don’t know. The 1-10 scales aren’t accurate because they depend not only on memory and perception, but also on mood and on the status of that exact moment. I could keep track of how I feel each day in a journal or using an app, but it still wouldn’t tell me what my limits are. Clearly the big problem is that I’m afraid to push my own boundaries. After so many bad results, now I want to play it safe. The result is that sometimes I don’t realize that I could do more, or I know I could do more but I don’t know how much more. A “good” day is now one where I don’t feel lousy. I need to change that, to make it so that a good day is one where I do more than I did last week, and where I still don’t feel lousy.
I guess that’s something to aim for tomorrow: a new kind of good.