Appreciating what we don’t know we have

October 7, 2011

Four hours and 10 minutes ago, I walked out of my office, not to return for three months.  It was very odd.  It was sort of like quitting a job, but not at all the same.

As I left I saw a coworker who was still working, promising she’d leave soon.  She works a lot of hours, and seeing her working made me sad.  I understand why she does it; I used to work a lot for the same reasons.  There’s the sense of responsibility, the pride in work well done, and other such feelings.  She is not forced to stay late, but she feels an obligation to get the work done.  I understand that.  Like I said, I used to do the same thing, but that was before.

For years I worked too many hours.  I’m not talking about 80 hour weeks (well, maybe once or twice), but I was working too much and enjoying life too little.  One of the good parts of illness is that it’s forced me to slow down and appreciate life.  Then again, I now feel too lousy to enjoy it as much as I could have several years ago when I felt better.

It’s frustrating that we don’t know what it is we could lose.  Even now, very aware of what I’ve lost, I can’t appreciate what I have.  I try, I really do, but I know that I won’t really understand what I have until it’s gone.  There’s a lot that I’ve lost temporarily, and I’m always grateful to get it back.  That’s a start.  But then there’s the rest.

As I walked out the door, I tried not to sound preachy when I suggested that my coworker enjoy life while she can.  She gave me that pitying look that we all know too well.  She thought I was just projecting my situation on to her.  Maybe I was.  But that doesn’t make it less true; she’s healthy now and should take advantage of it, because no one ever knows when that will change.  I wish I could have made her see that.

 

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Reality in the eyes of a cynical optimist

October 6, 2011

I read an interesting blog post this morning, If it walks like a duck…., all about the power of words used to describe a chronic illness.

I admit that at times I have encouraged people to look for the silver lining on clouds, and I try not to do that anymore if it’s not the appropriate situation.  Personally, I get very frustrated when people do that with my health.  They suggest that things will improve soon, even though they won’t.  People tell me that if I change my attitude, I’ll get better.  (Been there, done that, no dice.)  I understand wanting to remain positive, but I think it’s also important to be realistic.  I am not suggesting that we all dwell on the negatives, but ignoring the negatives doesn’t make them go away, either.  I’m all about accepting the reality of our situations.  Now, clearly I don’t always do this (see the many blog posts on taking a medical leave of absence from work, something I should have done far earlier; I’m too good at denail) but the point is that I attempt to do this.  I might fail, but I do try to keep a realistic view of things.

Despite certain appearances, I’m actually a very optimistic person in general.  I’m also very cynical.  I consider myself a cynical optimist – it seems like a contradiction, but it actually works out very well; I anticipate problems, then look on the bright side of everything.  But the thing is, that doesn’t mean that I pretend everything is perfect.  We all have problems, and I think it’s important to recognize them and accept them.  I could pretend I’ll get better next week, but then how would I feel when that didn’t happen?  It’s ok to hope for something better, as long as it’s realistic.  Living in a fantasy sounds nice, but it just doesn’t work.  If we don’t accept things, how can we move on to have lives outside of of these problems?  Personally, I’d rather move on.

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Looking for balance

October 5, 2011

How do you maintain your balance?  No, I don’t mean physical balance (though that can be challenging too.)  I’m talking about life balance.  I’m counting down to getting mine back.

It’s ironic really.  I used to have a decent balance in life, but I think part of that was having different priorities.  As my priorities have shifted, I’ve also lost energy and had other worsening symptoms, and that’s made it harder to keep the balance.  I know what you’re thinking, but actually, the new priorities should make it easier to keep my balance.  I now want to spend less time and energy at a job.  I want to focus more on friends, family, and personal growth.  I want to stop caring about material objects and use that money to save for the future and enjoy the present.

In just a few more days I’ll be on a medical leave of absence from my job.  My top priority is to improve my health.  I’m going to rest, exercise, improve my diet, etc.  But I’m also going to get my life in order, because I know that I won’t be able to maintain my physical health if everything else is out of balance.  My simple goal is to do as many of the items on my to do list as I can before I go back to work in a few months.  And I want to cross out a lot of the items that I won’t be able to do.  I want to shrink that list and get my balance back.

And that brings me back to the original question: how will I maintain that balance?

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Pain: It’s all relative

October 4, 2011

It’s that time of year.  Some people are gearing up for Halloween, others are lining up for flu shots (and I suppose some might be doing both.)  I got my flu shot today for the fourth year in a row.  It’s funny to me how people get nervous about it.  If you’ve never had one, or if you get bad reactions, then I get it.  What amuses me are the folks who worry about the pain of the flu shot.

Then again, I guess I’m not really amused.  I’m actually jealous.  It would be nice to think of a flu shot as terrible pain.  I suppose that if you rarely experience pain, if you measure pain by a stubbed toe or hitting your funny bone (I did that this morning; it’s really not so funny) then sure, a flu shot seems bad.  I’m jealous, because I have so much pain so frequently that a flu shot feels like nothing.  Ok, it’s not nothing; I felt it and it hurt a bit.  My arm is sore.  Do I care?  Not really.  I know it will make it a bit harder to sleep for a couple of nights.  I can sleep through other pain because I’m used to it, but pain in a new location will throw me off for a bit.  And then it’s gone.  That’s the thing, we all know that it’s temporary.  I would so love to know that my pain and other symptoms were temporary.

So come on people, I know you can do it.  If you don’t want to get the flu shot because you don’t believe in vaccines or something, that’s your choice.  But please don’t avoid it because of the “pain.”  My guess is that one day you’ll experience real pain, and you’ll look back and wonder what you were so afraid of.  If you want it, just do it.  At least this pain goes away.

 

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