Suffering symptoms vs. stepping into side effects

January 23, 2012

I thought Thursday’s fall was bad, but I had no idea what my body was really in for.

On Thursday, before the fall, I had finally had the big appointment with my rheumatologist.  Even though we didn’t have any solutions, I felt much better afterwards.  She reminded me that I’ve had a lot of ups and downs over the years, and that my memory was a bit clouded; yes, I’d been just as bad off as this before, sometimes worse.  And while it wasn’t necessarily a solution, we did have a course of action: a new med.  This was an anti-depressant that’s sometimes used for these kinds of illnesses.  It can help with fatigue and with arthritic pain.  Sure, there are some severe potential side effects (like suicide!) but we decided to try it.

Boy was I unprepared!  Within a few hours I was really hot and my skin was tingling.  My heart was racing.  I had diarrhea.  And then I was vomiting like I never have in my entire life.  This was bad!  Luckily, I had a friend visiting and she insisted on staying all day, until I felt better and went to bed for the night.  Thankfully, the worst of it only lasted a couple of hours.

Now, obviously I knew this was bad, but I didn’t realize how bad it was until I heard my doctor’s concern today, and then heard her shock when I said I’d only taken one dose.  She had prescribed the lowest dose they make.  This was considered a very severe reaction.  So the question is, should I try a different type of anti-depressant?

For a less severe reaction, of course the answer would be yes.  The funny thing is, I was willing to risk it, but my doctor wants to exhaust all other options first.  Now, I don’t really want to go through that horrible experience again, but it was only a few hours, and isn’t it worth it if the drug might actually work and help me?  Like I said before, the options are lousy, but they’re all we have.  Just because the side effects suck doesn’t mean they’re necessarily worse than the symptoms that the meds are trying to fix.

It happens all the time, and for me it’s happening again: symptoms vs. side effects.  What a rotten choice.

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Leave a Comment » | Decisions, Educating, Expectations, Frustration, Medication, Pain, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Coffee table: 2, me: 0

January 19, 2012

Today was incredibly eventful.  I have a lot to write about.  And I won’t write about any of it.  Maybe tomorrow.  You see, I’m a bit distracted by the dull ache at the back of my head.

I was having an unusually productive afternoon.  I had to take a quick bathroom break, and my mind was churning as I got up to walk across the living room.  Unfortunately, that meant that I forgot to put on my slippers.  I also forgot that earlier in the day the hardwood floors had been slippery for some unknown reason (but probably from some work the super was doing in my apartment a few hours earlier.)

In my socks-clad feed, I walked across the living room, in the direction of the bathroom, still thinking about the project I had been working on.  Suddenly I felt my legs in the air.  There was a pain in my leg.  Then I realized that I was going to hit my head… and there was nothing I could do.  A second later I was on the floor.  I heard a scream; I supposed it came from me.  I waited to see if anyone came.  They didn’t.  My neighbors were probably at work at that time of day.  Shit.  I held my hand to my head for a long time.  I checked my leg – scraped skin but no blood.  I’ve bled from hitting that coffee table before.  And this time my head hit it.  I finally forced myself to look at my hand… no blood!  Whew!

I knew someone should check my head, and I’ll be damned if I go to the emergency room for anything less than an emergency.  I did not lose consciousness, the dizziness only lasted a few seconds, and I wasn’t bleeding.  Nope, no hospital for me.  But I had a wicked headache.  (Yes, in Boston we say “wicked.”  Get over it.)  So I did the logical thing: I called the super.  He’s a nice guy, very sweet, and we chat a lot.  Obviously, this was not in his job description at all, but he came running right up, the sweetheart that he is.  He found my scalp, and said there was just a small bruise.  He thought to take a picture of it with my cell phone (gee, why hadn’t I thought of that?  I must have been really dazed) and I saw that it really was just a small bruise.  No blood.  Nothing too horrible-looking.

A few ice packs later and both my leg and my head hurt.  A lot.  Tylenol helped.  But tomorrow will be the real test.  So yes, I’m a bit distracted by the dull ache at the back of my head.  On the bright side, I’m not focusing on my big doctor appointment this morning.

Time to ignore it all with the brain equivalent of ice cream: tv!  And more Tylenol.  Definitely more Tylenol (or whatever the CVS equivalent is.)  Sweet dreams y’all!

Leave a Comment » | Isolation, Kindness, Pain, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

The fog of too many possible causes

January 18, 2012

Some possible sources of my fatigue: PCOS, side effect from meds, hypothyroid, low iron, chronic pain, connective tissue disease, some unknown cause.  Gee, that really clears it up, doesn’t it? [insert needed sarcasm emoticon here]

I’ve been depressed lately.  It’s frustrating.  I’ve been depressed before, so I know what to watch for, and it’s not extreme right now – I’m not suicidal or anything.  I’m just in a long-lasting funk.  It’s come and gone recently, especially over the last few weeks.

I’ve been worrying about my future.  What if I can’t go back to work?  How will I make ends meet?  I’ve looked at apartment listings online. I could save money by moving to the suburbs.  I could save more by moving out of state.  A 3-bedroom house in Boulder rents for less than my not-at-all-fancy 1 bedroom apartment near Boston.  But moving away from my support system, my family, my friends, my doctors, my home?  I’m just not ready for that, even though the climate here is lousy for me.

These are very legitimate concerns, especially as my back-to-work followup with my rheumatologist is approaching, even though I’m obviously not back to work yet.  I know that I’m thinking things through rationally.  I’m worried, but not over-worried.  I’m bored, but managing to mostly stay busy.  I’m frustrated, but that’s nothing new.  So why am I feeling this way?  It doesn’t make sense!

Today I felt great.  I felt uplifted as soon as I got out of bed, which was odd, since I’d woken up early from odd and scary dreams.  Still, once I got up I felt really good.  Why was today different?  I thought that if I could figure out why I felt so good today, I could replicate it.  Sounds reasonable, right?

As I thought about it while walking outside, feeling especially good, it hit me all at once, really hard.  DUH!!!  It’s sunny out today!  We’ve had a lot of gray weather, and today is sunny!  I feel like such a moron.  Ironically, because I was depressed and focused so much on a few specific areas of my life, I completely forgot to watch for my seasonal affective disorder, which seems to have been the cause of the depression.  Now let’s be honest, I’m probably experiencing some depression from everything I’ve been going through lately, but I think that is at a level that I’m comfortable with.  It’s when it started getting worse (as the days got more overcast) that I got worried.  And now I’ve finally figured out what was going on.

One of the difficult things about these illnesses is that any given symptom can have many possible causes.  It’s so hard to keep track of the possibilities, and when we lose track, it can be disorienting.  I’m grateful to have figured out where this one symptom seems to be coming from, but what about the other symptoms?  What about the other people who can’t trace theirs?  There’s so much work to be done.  I hope it happens sooner rather than later.  In the meantime, I’ll be watching the weather forecast and hoping for more sunny days soon.

Leave a Comment » | Expectations, Frustration, Isolation, Job, Limitations, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Handling handshake germs

January 17, 2012

Handshakes bother me.  They bother me when they’re too limp, they bother me when they’re too hard, and they especially bother me when people are germy.

I’m no germaphobe.  I don’t go running away from germs.  But at the same time, I know my immune system won’t fight off a lot of what it should, so I try to be careful.  I wash my hands thoroughly (when I remember) and I try to wear gloves on the train in the winter.  So many times I have seen someone cough into their hand, then use that hand to grab the pole on the T.  WHY?!?  Weren’t you taught any manners?  Would it be so hard to use your other hand, or to cough into the crook of your elbow?  It’s the main reason I try not to hold the pole.

http://www.gettyimages.com/detail/photo/close-up-of-businessmen-shaking-hands-in-an-office-royalty-free-image/157859707

But handshakes are so much worse.  They’re part of our culture, and in some situations they’re almost impossible to avoid.  I was at a social gathering with a friend a few days ago, and every time my friend introduced me to someone, they offered their hand.  I had to shake.  But with the many colds and flus going around, I wasn’t happy about it.  I washed my hands as soon as I got home.  At least it wasn’t an event with food.  Think about all of those parties or networking events where you shake hands with dozens of strangers, then pick up your little appetizer with your fingers.  Germs!  I don’t mind it too much in the summer, but with the flu going around….

I don’t avoid all human contact.  I hug my friends, play with my nieces and nephews, and take my chances on public places.  I don’t feel the need to wash my hands every time I get home from the outside world.  But at the same time, I’ll do whatever I can to avoid the stomach flu that’s going around.  I just wish everyone else would do the same.  Wash your hands, please.  Do it for more than 5 seconds (20 seconds is the medical recommendation, but most people don’t do that.)  And if you’re germy, buck the social norm and just don’t shake hands.  The rest of us will appreciate it.  And those of us with crappy immune systems will be especially grateful.  Trust me.

 

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Leave a Comment » | Educating, Healthcare, Rants, Symptoms | Permalink
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