Coffee table: 2, me: 0

January 19, 2012

Today was incredibly eventful.  I have a lot to write about.  And I won’t write about any of it.  Maybe tomorrow.  You see, I’m a bit distracted by the dull ache at the back of my head.

I was having an unusually productive afternoon.  I had to take a quick bathroom break, and my mind was churning as I got up to walk across the living room.  Unfortunately, that meant that I forgot to put on my slippers.  I also forgot that earlier in the day the hardwood floors had been slippery for some unknown reason (but probably from some work the super was doing in my apartment a few hours earlier.)

In my socks-clad feed, I walked across the living room, in the direction of the bathroom, still thinking about the project I had been working on.  Suddenly I felt my legs in the air.  There was a pain in my leg.  Then I realized that I was going to hit my head… and there was nothing I could do.  A second later I was on the floor.  I heard a scream; I supposed it came from me.  I waited to see if anyone came.  They didn’t.  My neighbors were probably at work at that time of day.  Shit.  I held my hand to my head for a long time.  I checked my leg – scraped skin but no blood.  I’ve bled from hitting that coffee table before.  And this time my head hit it.  I finally forced myself to look at my hand… no blood!  Whew!

I knew someone should check my head, and I’ll be damned if I go to the emergency room for anything less than an emergency.  I did not lose consciousness, the dizziness only lasted a few seconds, and I wasn’t bleeding.  Nope, no hospital for me.  But I had a wicked headache.  (Yes, in Boston we say “wicked.”  Get over it.)  So I did the logical thing: I called the super.  He’s a nice guy, very sweet, and we chat a lot.  Obviously, this was not in his job description at all, but he came running right up, the sweetheart that he is.  He found my scalp, and said there was just a small bruise.  He thought to take a picture of it with my cell phone (gee, why hadn’t I thought of that?  I must have been really dazed) and I saw that it really was just a small bruise.  No blood.  Nothing too horrible-looking.

A few ice packs later and both my leg and my head hurt.  A lot.  Tylenol helped.  But tomorrow will be the real test.  So yes, I’m a bit distracted by the dull ache at the back of my head.  On the bright side, I’m not focusing on my big doctor appointment this morning.

Time to ignore it all with the brain equivalent of ice cream: tv!  And more Tylenol.  Definitely more Tylenol (or whatever the CVS equivalent is.)  Sweet dreams y’all!

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Posted by chronicrants

The fog of too many possible causes

January 18, 2012

Some possible sources of my fatigue: PCOS, side effect from meds, hypothyroid, low iron, chronic pain, connective tissue disease, some unknown cause.  Gee, that really clears it up, doesn’t it? [insert needed sarcasm emoticon here]

I’ve been depressed lately.  It’s frustrating.  I’ve been depressed before, so I know what to watch for, and it’s not extreme right now – I’m not suicidal or anything.  I’m just in a long-lasting funk.  It’s come and gone recently, especially over the last few weeks.

I’ve been worrying about my future.  What if I can’t go back to work?  How will I make ends meet?  I’ve looked at apartment listings online. I could save money by moving to the suburbs.  I could save more by moving out of state.  A 3-bedroom house in Boulder rents for less than my not-at-all-fancy 1 bedroom apartment near Boston.  But moving away from my support system, my family, my friends, my doctors, my home?  I’m just not ready for that, even though the climate here is lousy for me.

These are very legitimate concerns, especially as my back-to-work followup with my rheumatologist is approaching, even though I’m obviously not back to work yet.  I know that I’m thinking things through rationally.  I’m worried, but not over-worried.  I’m bored, but managing to mostly stay busy.  I’m frustrated, but that’s nothing new.  So why am I feeling this way?  It doesn’t make sense!

Today I felt great.  I felt uplifted as soon as I got out of bed, which was odd, since I’d woken up early from odd and scary dreams.  Still, once I got up I felt really good.  Why was today different?  I thought that if I could figure out why I felt so good today, I could replicate it.  Sounds reasonable, right?

As I thought about it while walking outside, feeling especially good, it hit me all at once, really hard.  DUH!!!  It’s sunny out today!  We’ve had a lot of gray weather, and today is sunny!  I feel like such a moron.  Ironically, because I was depressed and focused so much on a few specific areas of my life, I completely forgot to watch for my seasonal affective disorder, which seems to have been the cause of the depression.  Now let’s be honest, I’m probably experiencing some depression from everything I’ve been going through lately, but I think that is at a level that I’m comfortable with.  It’s when it started getting worse (as the days got more overcast) that I got worried.  And now I’ve finally figured out what was going on.

One of the difficult things about these illnesses is that any given symptom can have many possible causes.  It’s so hard to keep track of the possibilities, and when we lose track, it can be disorienting.  I’m grateful to have figured out where this one symptom seems to be coming from, but what about the other symptoms?  What about the other people who can’t trace theirs?  There’s so much work to be done.  I hope it happens sooner rather than later.  In the meantime, I’ll be watching the weather forecast and hoping for more sunny days soon.

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Posted by chronicrants

Why snow is scary sh*t

January 16, 2012

…I interrupt the regularly (in theory) scheduled blog post to bring this update: it’s snowed!  Crap!

The thing with winter in Boston is, it’s predictably unpredictable.  We don’t know how much snow we’ll get or when, we don’t know how cold it will be or when, but we know that the majority of winter will involve cold and snow and ice.  That’s just how it works.  Which is why it’s been so odd this year to not get any snow, and to have little cold until this month.

Actually, there was a big storm in October that had everyone thinking it would be a tough winter, and some areas got hit hard, but others got almost nothing, and then it melted within hours.  My area was the latter.  Once I woke up to find a light dusting on parts of the sidewalk.  When I looked out the window an hour later, it was gone.  For me this has been fantastic!  Yes, we’ve had some cold days, but I just bundle up in my kick-ass coat, and all is fine.  Well, I admit to being a bit cold last night in 10 degree weather, but usually the coat is enough.

As for the snow, to be honest, if my body worked the way I’d like it to, I’d probably go skiing occasionally.  I can understand why the skiers are excited for snow.  And I do understand why snow doesn’t bother a lot of people.  Really, I only have two concerns with it.  The smaller one (since I’m not working) is that when it snows a lot (not today, thankfully) I have to find a way to dig out my car.  I can’t manage it myself, and it’s tough to find help some winters.

The bigger issue is walking.  My footing isn’t as steady as I’d like it to be, and a fall could be disastrous.  Simply spraining an ankle would be horrible – because of wrist pain, I can’t use any sort of cane or crutches; I can’t lean on anything.  And my apartment building is not wheelchair accessible.  Neither is my parents’ house.  Or most of my friends’ homes.  I love the old buildings in this area, but it means that most places aren’t accessible.  Ice is bad, but a light covering of snow, which we have now, is worse.  It can be treacherous.  For the first time this season, I’ll be pulling out the super awesome boots tomorrow.  Those things are warm and have great treads.  But I’ll still be a nervous wreck.

So the best part of this winter so far?  Being to walk without the extra fear.  I’ll miss that.  I just hope we don’t get too much more snow this winter.

[Note: This picture is from a storm in January 2005.  I’m short, but it’s still never a good sign when the snow drifts are taller than I am.]

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Better than what?

January 8, 2012

After 6 full days, I am finally over my cold.  Sure, I’m still coughing up phlegm, but aside from that I’m doing ok.  I’m finally better.

But that makes me wonder: better than what?

I’m not contagious.  But aside from that, what really distinguishes between the past few days and the several months before?  This week I was sniffling, coughing, and suffering from laryngitis, but that wasn’t the worst of it.  The worst was the fever and the run-down feeling.  But wait, I had those before too!

I was frustrated with this cold, wanting to leave the house.  But aside from being contagious, it was really no worse than a lot of what I feel regularly, and in one way it was a hell of a lot better: I knew it wouldn’t last.

I keep waiting to feel better.  I keep waiting to get my energy back, to feel ready to return to work, to make plans with friends that I won’t likely cancel, to be able to guarantee help to my family and friends when they need it…. to have my life.  So many people were worried about me while I was sick this week; I didn’t know how to explain to them that that was the easy part.  It’s returning to my “normal” life that’s hard, because that illness isn’t about to go away.

 

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