Chronic stagnation

May 2, 2012

You know that instrinsic, gut feeling that your whole life is about to change?  Sometimes it comes at really obvious moments, like at your high school graduation.  Other times it’s less obvious, but just as recognizable.  You can just feel that very soon, your life will be very different.

This isn’t one of those times.

I just signed a lease for a 7th year in my apartment.  (My previous record for staying in one apartment: a year and a half.)  I’m not dating, and I’m not even interested in dating.  (Sex would be nice.  Too bad I don’t do one night stands.)  I do not have a job, and I won’t have a job any time soon, since even when I regain my health, I’ll still have to actually get a job.  I don’t feel up to doing a lot of new things, so I’m not meeting new people.  No, my immediate future is looking very predictable.  And very boring.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately.  It’s amazing how much I can read when I don’t feel up to doing much else.  I’ve been reading murder mysteries and classic fiction, and also personal development.  The personal development books and blogs cover a wide range, but they all have something in common: I can’t figure out how to implement, or even picture, the majority of what I’m learning.

There’s the book on time management.  Well, time management really isn’t an issue right now.  I learned a lot, but I can’t picture how to apply any of it to my back-at-work life since I don’t know what my life will be like then.  Will I be working full time?  What will the hours be?  What will the commute be?  Will there be other changes in my life that I have to balance?  It leaves me feeling very unsettled.  I wish I could picture the future at least a little bit.

There are the blogs and books on personal finance.  I love this stuff.  I’ve been helping friends and relatives with their budgets.  But there’s little I can do for myself.  In order to save more money, quite simply, you have to either spend less, earn more, or do both.  I’ve been cutting my expenses as much as possible, and I just don’t feel up to earning more.  Some people take on second jobs; I can’t even work one job right now.  On the bright side, I know what I’ll do with my extra money when I eventually have it.  [Hint: it involves saving for a health-induced early retirement, just in case.]

And don’t get me started on the reading about how to get the right job.  That is just so far out of the realm of possibility right now….

On the bright side, I feel good that I’m using my time productively right now.  I’m not spending every minute learning, but at least I’m keeping my mind active and engaged and I’m doing something that will potentially influence my life in a positive way at some point.  I just have to try and remember that, because reading this stuff (which I generally love, by the way) does tend to remind me of how little I can change right now.

The future is uncertain.  We all know that.  One year from now I could be working a new job, living in a different state, and married.  Or I could be right where I am, not working, not well.  Who knows?  I guess I don’t need everything to get better, I just need something, anything to change.  Some people fear change, but without change there’s just boredom.  Right now, I crave change.

Leave a Comment » | Expectations, Frustration, Isolation, Limitations, Rants, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Spoonie kitchen screwups

April 30, 2012

There’s tired, and then there’s spoonie tired.

I decided to make an easy dinner tonight.  I’ve been trying to eat healthy food as much as possible, and I was feeling run down, so I wanted the best combination of easy and healthy.  For me, that meant pasta for dinner.  I use this a lot as my go-to easy dinner.  I sautee onion and garlic, add in veggies, include meat or beans or something, add spices, add sauce, cook pasta, and I have a healthy, relatively easy dinner.  Even easier is eggs and/or oatmeal, but I’ve done that a few times lately so I wanted to go to the next step.  Apparently, I wasn’t ready for the next step.

I’m not great at chopping up anything.  No matter how big or how small it is, I have to concentrate hard just to avoid cutting my finger (and even then I sometimes cut it.)  Today, more food than usual was hitting the floor.  I felt really off.  I had so much energy an hour earlier, but I hit the wall hard, and I just couldn’t seem to do anything right.  Luckily I wasn’t doing much cutting, since I was using frozen veggies.  Fresh veggies are better, but I didn’t have the energy for them.  Still, a lot of onion and garlic hit the floor.

As I was finishing the sauce, I kept thinking that something was missing.  It all seemed to be there, but I had that nagging feeling.  What could I have forgotten?  Then it hit me all at once: spices!  I forgot to add spices!  I quickly reached for the oregano and parsley and thyme and…. what was I thinking?

The steps ran through my head.  I couldn’t believe I’d forgotten the spices.  I’ve made this so many times I thought I could do it in my sleep.  Clearly I can’t even do it when I’m awake and run down.  But that’s ok, I fixed it.  It would be good enough.

Beans!  I forgot to add the beans!  Ok, no worries, I ate plenty of protein at lunch, and I have plenty of spinach and broccoli in the sauce.  It’s ok.

Beep beep beep.  Time to drain the pasta.  Something was wrong.  Why was it so mushy?  I timed it for 16 minutes and the package said 17-18, so what could be wrong?  Oh no, I used the instructions for the wrong pasta!  The other type, the other brand, is 17-18 minutes.  This type is only supposed to cook for 7-10 minutes!  Yikes!

Ok, the sauce will mask the pasta, right?  But wait, the sauce is…. liquidy.  I didn’t use enough veggies!  I usually make the sauce very thick, so that the meat/beans and veggies are just barely coated by the sauce.  I got it wrong tonight.  It looked so pathetically thin.

Despite all of the problems, the meal turned out ok.  It was even slightly tasty.  And I’ve learned an important lesson: the next time I feel drained, I won’t attempt anything as complicated as pasta.  I’ll stick to eggs.  Clearly my brain can’t be trusted to function on all cylinders when cooking (or typing, for that matter, judging by the number of mistakes I’ve already caught in this post.)

What basics things have you messed up when you’re not completely there?  Let’s revel in our spoonie mistakes.

Leave a Comment » | Educating, Expectations, Frustration, Medication, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

The ironic luxury of time

April 28, 2012

I hate when people ask me how I’m enjoying my time off.  It’s frustrating to not be able to work.  This really isn’t like a vacation.  I feel lousy a lot, so I probably have no more “good” free hours than a person who works full time.  In fact, some days I have a lot fewer.

That said, I really do appreciate having a more open schedule.  On the days I feel lousy, I hate that I’m “losing” hours.  It feels like a waste, but since I can’t help it, I just try to remember that I will have more time tomorrow, and the next day, and next week.  I will try to make my time as meaningful as possible.  Sometimes that will work, sometimes it won’t, and I just have to accept that.

On both  the good days and the bad days, I’ve found that having a more open schedule can really reduce stress.  Yesterday was a good example.  After a quiet morning at home mostly spent reading, and then lunch, left to go to the library.  I could have driven.  It would have been faster.  I also would have felt my blood pressure rise as I dealt with red lights, bad drivers, rude pedestrians, and parking problems both at the library and later when I came home.  Instead, I took the bus.  Sure, taking the bus took a lot longer (especially since I missed a bus by only a minute on each end) but it had a lot of benefits: I didn’t have to deal with driving or parking, I got fresh air while I waited for it, and I got some exercise.  Both on the way and on the way back, I got some extra exercise by walking one stop further than I had to.  I skipped the closer stop, and went one more.  This was perfect.  If I had been in a rush, I probably would have had to deal with the stress of driving.

The evening wasn’t so great.  I came home feeling really good, and I was thrilled.  I made dinner and had a whole bunch of things I wanted to do (knowing of course that I’d probably only do a few of them, but it was still exciting.)  Almost as soon as I started eating, I felt sick.  Normally the nausea hits an hour or two after eating, so this was odd.  It felt different too.  This mostly meant that I didn’t know what to expect.  I put the food away and left the dishes for later.  After many trips to the bathroom and some Pepto, I finally snuggled under a blanket and watched a movie.  I was upset that I had had another episode of nausea after almost two weeks without one – so much for that winning streak.  But I wasn’t upset about the lost evening.  Nothing I had planned was an emergency, so I knew it could all wait until I had more free time.  That could be in a few days, or maybe next week.  It didn’t matter.  I’d find the time.

Having a more flexible schedule is making a huge difference these days.  Of course, if I was working full time it would be because I was feeling better, and if I felt well, I wouldn’t need such a flexible schedule.  Great.  (Did you notice the sarcasm there?)

There’s nothing I can do to change my situation, beyond what I’m already doing.  So as long as I’m stuck in it, I’ll try to make the most of it.  I’ll use my flexible time the best that I can.  I just hope I don’t lose too much more of it to nausea… that’s awfully unpleasant.

Leave a Comment » | Expectations, Frustration, Limitations, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Making medical decisions by coin toss

April 20, 2012

Doctors no longer seem to be all-knowing gods to many of us.

My grandparents always did just what the doctor told them to do.  They trusted their doctor to be honest, knowledgeable, and infallible.

Fast forward many decades and things have changed.  A lot.  For one thing, there are the studies that suggest doctors lie to their patients.  They apparently do this to protect their patients, to save their feelings, but it doesn’t help with the trust thing.  Doctors are now overworked and dealing with lawsuits, insurance, and budget cuts.  In other words, they’re human.  The mystique is gone.  Even more, we have the internet now and can do a lot of our own research.  This helps us to realize that, again, our doctors are human.  They don’t know everything.

Now, I do think that a lot of my doctors are very knowledgeable and I trust them.  That, after all, is why I continue to see them.  However, I still find it difficult when I need to make a decision, and I have no one to help me make it.  I talk to my parents for advice, but I’m getting tired of that; I’m over 30, for crying out loud!  I’m not in a relationship, so I can’t turn there.  And anyway, these all just other laypeople (though my parents are very smart and knowledgeable.)  I can talk to my doctors, of course, but they won’t tell me what to do.  Sometimes they strongly hint at their preferred course.  Sometimes they say it outright.  But many times they don’t know what the right thing to do is.  Damn, they really are human.

I am now facing a small dilemma.  Should I continue my gluten-free diet, with its good effects but also possible negative ones?  Should I quit the diet and see if the negative effects go away?  But then the good effects might go too.  Should I try an over-the-counter med to see if that helps the symptoms?  But what if my body is still adjusting to the new diet?  It could be that I improve from the diet, but if I take the meds, I won’t know which is helping.  Or I can adjust my thyroid med dosage.  I’ve already filled the prescription.  This won’t help the nausea, of course, but it could help the fatigue.  But what if the diet just needs more time to work, and adjusting the thyroid med covers that up?  And I could have negative effects from changing the med dosage, too.  And these are just my top choices – there are even more options to consider!

It would be so easy to have someone tell me what to do.  It would remove this pressure that’s sitting on my shoulders.  But I have to admit, I’m glad when my doctors admit they don’t have the answer; it’s better than pretending otherwise.  Besides, I’m sure I’ll figure it all out eventually.

Does anyone have a coin I can flip?

~~~~~~~~~~

If you can relate to this, please pass it along and share the camaraderie!  Let’s build the community!

2 Comments | Decisions, Educating, Expectations, Frustration, Isolation, Limitations, Medication, Rants, Support, Symptoms | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

« Previous Entries
Next Entries »