Will today be the day to go outside?

On the one hand, I knew that going out 2 nights in a row might be too much. On the other hand, I thought I might be ready for it. And how would I know if I didn’t try? So I tried. And it could have worked. Could have, but didn’t.

Now, it’s not like I was out clubbing until 2am both nights. The first night I went to play board games, and got home just before 10pm. That would have been fine, except because I was out, I didn’t take my melatonin, and so I felt too awake to sleep. I ended up going to bed at 1am and only sleeping 6 hours. Yikes!

The next day I rested all day, then pushed myself to go out at night. I recently began volunteering for an organization I really care about. I do small things from home and attend meetings once a month. So far, I had only been able to attend by phone, but it was important to me to attend in person. So I went. I was tired, but once I was there I felt good! Still, I hadn’t finished the dinner I brought with me, and the small appetite should have been my warning. I got home before 10pm, but slept badly.

I knew I was pushing my limits. During the meeting I would occasionally cough. Just one little cough every 10 minutes or so, not the kind you get when you have a cold, but the kind that means I’m not breathing well. That’s because my lack of sleep the night before meant I hadn’t used my CPAP enough. After a second night of poor sleep, my sleep apnea was really causing problems. I woke up the next day feeling really blah. Was it my regular autoimmune stuff? Was I coming down with a cold? Was my autoimmune stuff preventing me from fighting off a cold? Only time would tell. I did the smart but boring thing – I stayed home all day to rest. So much for the errands I wanted to run and things I wanted to do around the house.

The next day I clearly had a small cold. Damn. I canceled my date and stayed in. Again. More tv. I wished I was reading a novel instead of an interesting-but-too-much-brain-power-required nonfiction book. I felt sort of queasy after eating, but not in the usual way, or in a really sick way. More in a my-body-is-trying-to-do-too-much way. Weird.

The next day I still had a cold and was still having mixed results with food. Time for more rest!

And each night I was sleeping badly. I was congested from the cold, so I kept having to take off my CPAP mask during the night. You know what’s worse than not sleeping? Sleeping without my CPAP. It’s true. I’d be better off staying awake. Too bad I didn’t. The exhaustion was crushing.

Still, after 3 days at home I was feeling better. The cold seemed to have cleared up much faster than usual. I took a short walk! I washed my hair! I put the pajamas and towels from the last few days in the laundry! I wanted to run errands, but figured I should rest. Instead, I cooked a nice but relatively easy dinner. I was on the mend!

Except after dinner I felt a bit queasy. And by 8:30pm I was falling asleep on the couch. I slept on the couch without my CPAP for half and hour (d’oh!) and then went to bed, where I watched a movie on my phone for an hour and a half. Finally I was able to sleep. And for once, I shut off my phone. The new Android update makes it hard to shut off all sounds, and too often a ding or a ring comes through, so I shut it off completely. Then I slept with my CPAP for over 10 hours! I can’t remember the last time I did that. 9 is a lot, but 10!? Unheard of for me.

I woke up feeling somewhat rested. But still tired. Still run down. I didn’t get out of my pajamas all day. At one point I was going to. I took off my bathrobe. Then decided changing clothes was overrated and went back to watching tv.

In the past 5 days I have crocheted a bunch of stuff, finished the book I was reading, and watched a ton of tv. I haven’t gone grocery shopping, gotten a haircut, brought in my phone to be fixed (there’s a problem with texting that really needs to be addressed), booked an AirBnb for an upcoming trip (I’ll get to that in another post), or done a bunch of other stuff that really needs to be done. I WANT to do all of that, but I just haven’t felt up to it.

And then today I woke up feeling…. normal? Normal-ish? I don’t know, but I definitely feel more like myself. I’m tempted to try going to the grocery store. I really need food. And I especially need the food I promised to make for Thanksgiving.

But I haven’t left the house other than that short walk since Wednesday. Today is Tuesday. And someone is dropping their dog off tonight for several days of dog sitting. She’s a darling and fairly easy, but I’ll need to walk her before bed and again first thing in the morning. I should probably save my energy for that. I want to go outside. I really do. The snow is pretty and the fresh air would be lovely. But on the other hand, I’m still a bit tired, so maybe getting out of pajamas and taking a shower will be enough activity for today.

My friends get a cold and they push through, continuing to care for kids and pets, going to work, running errands. I wish they would stay home so they didn’t spread their germs. I’m the opposite: I got a cold so I stayed in and kept my germs to myself, then had to deal with the autoimmune fallout and was stuck at home for another 3 days – and counting! It’s just one more of the countless frustrations that come with chronic illness.

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